A Psychologist's Cheat Sheet For Understanding Your Partner In Moments Of Conflict
In the ocean of love, find out if you are an island, an anchor, or a wave.
Ketut Subiyanto | Pexels To be real for a second I can admit to being obsessed with learning about my attachment style. Learning about the different characteristics and how your attachment style impacts day-to-day life is fascinating.
However, even with all this useful information available, we still don't focus on the aspects of our attachment style. We don't focus on our attachment style and how it impacts our relationship. We especially don't focus on how it can destroy our relationships.
Here's a psychologist's cheat sheet for understanding your partner in moments of conflict.
So, how exactly does our attachment style impact us? Psychologist Dr. Stan Tatkin discusses how these three attachment styles can make or break our relationships.
What are attachment styles?
Before getting into how our attachment style affects us, we need to first clear up a few misconceptions. According to Tatkin, "Attachment styles are not personalities. Attachment is a memory system built to anticipate and protect oneself from threat."
Your attachment style isn't a one-size-fits-all. In reality, you might find yourself in-between attachment styles or your attachment style might change depending on your relationship.
Tatkin points out that understanding your attachment style is crucial because it makes it a lot easier to deal with common relationship issues. He continues, "When you understand how your partner reacts under stress, you can prevent problems and better care for them when they occur."
With all that being said, what is your attachment style and how does it affect your relationship?
1. Island attachment style
If you have an island attachment style, you dread socialization. You don't go out of your way to socialize with people and might be known as the loner in your family.
You approach problems from a reasonable and logical perspective. However, this perspective can bleed into your relationship, making it difficult for you to connect.
If you do find yourself in an argument with your partner you can be passive-aggressive, a rusher, or other topic avoidant behavior, as shown in a 2009 study. You rush the conversation forward so you don't have to deal with uncomfortable conversations. When the reality is, you don't like being blamed and you don't like feeling as if you've failed.
However, if you truly want to learn and grow, then you need to understand your shortcomings and understand your greatest failures are sometimes your greatest lessons.
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2. Anchor attachment style
Anchors have a realistic sense of autonomy and are great at self-regulating. People with anchor attachment styles don't fear abandonment and will tackle relationship problems head-on. Tatkin also adds that anchors, "Play well with others and do well alone."
They have great communication and socialization skills. If you are an anchor you've likely heard how charming you are. This is because you have an amazing ability to connect well with others, which can stem from what they provide for their partner, as discussed in research from 2006.
However, don't get it twisted — they have their setbacks. But overall anchor attachment styles are pretty solid in the grand scheme of things.
3. Wave attachment style
If you're a wave person, you likely struggle with being alone. Tatkin explains that waves might find alone time to be quite stressful.
Waves tend to be clingy and can have a difficult time letting go. Research conducted in 2012 on problem-solving and attachment backs up how some attachment styles approach problems from an emotionally negative perspective.
Wave people can blow up or lose their temper during arguments. Moreover, they feel easily overwhelmed and might have a difficult time controlling their emotions.
The biggest lesson wave people need to learn is how to embrace the silence and be okay with being alone. They need to understand there's peace and joy to be found in letting go and starting anew.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.