A Husband Shares His Perspective On Irrational Feelings -— 'Let's Not Forget, This Is Someone We Love'

Have you ever argued with your partner and made to feel like your feelings were irrational? This is a terrible feeling and causes you to doubt whether your emotions are even worth considering. But are some emotions irrational? Or do your feelings matter more than you think?

'To some people, this feels irresponsible’, a husband shares his perspective on irrational feelings

Relationship podcaster Jimmy Knowles insists that it's nobody else's job to name your feelings as irrational.

@jimmyonrelationships Can Feelings be Irrational? #relationship #datingadvice #marriagegoals #validation #feelings ♬ original sound - Jimmy Knowles

Can feelings ever be irrational?

"I hear people say that we shouldn't validate irrational feelings, but I don't even know feelings can be irrational," says Knowles.

Of course, there are people with irrational beliefs. And some people will make accusations that aren't true or make unreasonable demands or set unrealistic standards. They might say, "You don't love me enough." Or you might say, "You never do this and you always do this", those are hurtful accusations.

Woman expresses anger, she is not irrational Master1305 via Shutterstock

Extreme feelings can come from irrational beliefs.

Knowles continues, "All I'm saying is if our partners are vulnerable enough to share an actual feeling with us as in lonely, overwhelmed, unappreciated, anxious, scared. Even if I believe those feelings came from an irrational belief don't you think it's beneficial to the relationship to communicate, 'Hey what you're experiencing in your body matters to me.'"

Understandably, going down this path might seem pointless because it can lead to contempt or criticism.

Unexpressed emotion breeds contempt.

According to psychologists John and Julie Gottman's research, "In a longitudinal study of heterosexual married couples, the wife’s contempt notably predicted marital separation."

@juliethe_therapist Replying to @Alexis Barnett The concept of the "Four Horsemen" comes from the research of psychologist Dr. John Gottman, who has extensively studied relationships and marriage dynamics. These four negative communication patterns are considered to be predictors of relationship distress and possible dissolution. Criticism: The first horseman involves making personal attacks on your partner's character, rather than addressing specific behaviors or actions. It can escalate conflicts and damage self-esteem, leading to resentment and defensiveness. Contempt: This horseman embodies feelings of superiority and disrespect towards your partner. It includes sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, eye-rolling, and other demeaning behaviors. Contempt erodes emotional connections and breeds hostility. Defensiveness: When faced with criticism or perceived attacks, individuals often become defensive, deflecting blame and refusing to take responsibility for their actions. This defensive stance hinders communication and problem-solving. Stonewalling: The final horseman refers to withdrawing or shutting down emotionally during conflicts. It may involve the silent treatment or emotionally disengaging from the conversation, leaving the partner feeling unheard and invalidated. Gottman's research highlights that when these patterns become prevalent in a relationship, the risk of divorce or breakup increases significantly. To improve relationship health, couples should focus on fostering constructive communication, empathy, and understanding while actively addressing and replacing the negative patterns with healthier alternatives. Remember that recognizing and working on these issues can help build a stronger and more resilient partnership based on mutual respect, empathy, and effective communication. Seeking professional help, such as couples therapy, can also be beneficial in navigating and resolving these challenges. #therapytok #therapistsontiktok #therapytools #gottmanmethod #couplestherapy ♬ original sound - Julie The Therapist

This is why it's unhealthy to shut our partner down when they're expressing their emotions. And why it's not okay to dismiss their emotions and label them as "irrational."

When the reality is, you're likely shutting down their emotions because you want to avoid feeling guilty. Knowles explains, "We refuse to hold space for that because we see it as an attack. We get defensive or shut down or we invalidate them." We tell our partner they're being irrational because of our own frustration.

We all seek emotional validation.

We might feel like we're being blamed or accused by our partners. "But we have to ask ourselves does that feeling of frustration deserve to be validated and acknowledged?" Do all feelings deserve validation? Or do our feelings matter the most?

Supportive spouse uses touch to let her know her feelings are not irrational PeopleImages.com - Yuri A

As the National Library of Medicine writes, "People are inherently motivated to be valued and accepted by other people, and many of the emotions that they experience reflect these fundamental interpersonal concerns."

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That's why we must remember the person we're invalidating is someone we care about. And if they're willing to open up and share their world with us, it's up to us to make them feel comfortable enough to do so.

Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.