The Non-Negotiable Qualification Someone Must Possess Before They Can Be Your Person
A relationship can manage without a lot of things, but not without this.
4 PM production / Shutterstock If you're stepping into the dating scene, you probably have a lot of questions. How do I know this person is the one? Am I rushing things? What do I need to know before starting a relationship?
And with all the relationship advice out there, figuring out questions like these can be pretty tricky. So, what's the one thing you absolutely need before you start a relationship with someone, and why is it so important?
Podcaster Mark Groves gives us some insight.
The Non-Negotiable You Need Before Someone Can Become Your Person
"If someone doesn't want a relationship with you, you don't want one with them," begins Groves.
If someone is unsure about being in a relationship with you, that should be enough make you sure you don't want a relationship with them.
Now, for some, this might sound obvious. After all, why chase someone who doesn't see themselves in a committed relationship?
But you'd be surprised by the number of people that get stuck in the infamous "situationship."
These people hold onto hope that one day this person might change their mind and become more serious about them. But in reality, if they don't see a future with you now, they're unlikely to see one anytime soon.
Groves says, "No relationship can be created where there is not mutual choice." This is the absolute baseline for any relationship.
"And we got to stop pursuing people who are not pursuing us," Groves continues. Make way for people who are ready and willing to show up because they've created a space to.
But I get it, it's easier said than done. It's hard to move on from someone you've been wanting for so long. However, it must be done for your own mental health. So, how do you do so? Psychotherapist Diane Barth has some insight.
How To Move On From Unrequited Love
1. Feel your emotions
It's an understatement to say that rejection sucks. Barth writes, "According to a group of researchers headed by Ethan Kross at the University of Michigan, evidence shows that emotional pain activates the same part of your brain as physical pain."
Many of us bury our feelings to avoid heartbreak. But it's important to understand that our emotions are meant to — no need to be felt.
So, be kind and give yourself grace. Moreover, don't expect to be okay and understand that your performance in things might drop for a while.
2. Give up the quest for closure
One of the toughest things about love is accepting that sometimes we don't always get closure. That sometimes, the love we thought we wanted isn't the love we actually deserved.
It's normal to go through a denial phase during and after unrequited love. And it's normal to look for evidence that our love is over, secretly hoping we find evidence that our love is requited.
But there are only two choices here:
- You stay in your unrequited love and keep chasing.
- Find closure and let go of self-criticism.
Either way, it's going to be hard. Chasing after someone who doesn't want us is hard, but moving on is hard too.
In the end, you need to pick the easier hard and stick with it.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.