Therapist Shares 3 Reasons Why You Don't Want Someone To Be Obsessed With You
Rose-colored glasses are great, but love really shouldn’t be all-encompassing.
Ground Picture / Shutterstock.com While it sounds great and wonderful to have someone who’s “all about you,” true obsession in a relationship never ends well. Being too invested in someone else or a relationship, in general, isn’t a fairy-tale foundation for healthy love.
“Obsession is not love,” attachment therapist Steph wrote in a TikTok caption. Adding, “It is not secure attachment, and it often disregards consent …You’re missing out on some authentic love at best, and you are being reduced to an object at worst.”
Steph shared 3 reasons you don’t want someone to be obsessed with you:
1. People who are obsessed with you will objectify you.
“In order to get someone to be obsessed with you, you end up getting them to see you as an object and not a person,” she explained. “To turn yourself into this desirable object is to abandon yourself.”
There’s no right or wrong when it comes to discussing “obsession” — people like (and even need) to feel wanted with some kind of external validation. It feels good to be passionately pursued as the single focus of someone’s attention and love. However, obsession might cultivate an escape from reality for people struggling with a number of outside issues.
As Steph explained, “If someone is attracted only to the shiniest, most desirable part of you … you’re being reduced to an object at worst.” Instead of allowing another person’s perception of you to shape how you act, talk, and present yourself, embrace your uniqueness instead.
2. Obsession can cause you to abandon your authenticity.
Steph shared, “You’re not letting someone connect to who you are. They will not know you, they will know your strategies to be this perfect desirable object. But, they will not know you.”
Even if you frame obsession the opposite way, people often obsess and create misguided versions of you in their heads as an escape from reality.
There’s a good chance this person they are obsessed with is not an accurate representation of the object of their attention. It sets them up for disappointment and can leave you feeling unfulfilled.
In the same way, we hold celebrities we’re in obsessive parasocial relationships with to insurmountable and impossible standards — we hold ourselves to the same.
It’s okay to seek attention and love, but not to the detriment of your own uniqueness and identity.
3. Your partner doesn’t know the ‘real’ you, so they act on anxiety-driven impulses.
“If someone doesn’t truly know you or know your needs, then they’re connecting to you through a series of anxiety-driven and hypervigilant behaviors. They’re not tuning into what you need, but listening to their own anxiety … as opposed to ‘What does this person need?'"
Ground Picture / Shutterstock.com
Similar to a broken clock that might get the time right twice a day, she explained that relationships that are toxic or misguided might still occasionally do the right thing — or fulfill a need that you have.
But that’s purely accidental. Steph noted, “If someone meets your needs out of hypervigilant behaviors…cool! But they still don’t know your needs.”
So, in crafting an identity or trying to adopt a persona to get someone to be “obsessed” with you, you’re not setting yourself up for true love or even like. You’re setting yourself up for failure.
When the inevitable time comes and you’re feeling unfulfilled or realize the person you’ve fallen for has no idea who you truly are, the relationship will deteriorate.
So,right from the start — from the first date, text message, or call — just be authentic. You’ll attract people that not only match your authentic energy, but appreciate you for it.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.