The 4 'Active Listening Languages' That Reveal Exactly What You Need To Feel Fulfilled And Heard After Every Conversation
What kind of listener are you?
Antonio Guillem / Shutterstock The four love languages are ways to communicate the affection and care we have towards other people.
Content creator Priscilla Zhou put forward a theory that, much like love languages, there are also specific “listening languages” that help us communicate with each other and leave a conversation feeling heard.
Here are the 4 ‘active listening languages’ that reveal exactly what you need to feel heard after every conversation
1. The Questioner
Zhou shared her thoughts on communication, noting, “It’s such an important part of everybody’s life.” When theorizing about "listening languages," she started thinking about what she needed to leave a conversation "feeling fulfilled and heard and that I'm getting through to the other party and that they are actually hearing me."
According to her, the first listening language is someone who asks questions to show that they’re engaged and really hearing what you’re saying.
This person will ask thoughtful questions to try and fully understand your perspective, without inserting any judgment or opinion into what you’re telling them. They’ll push the conversation forward — often to deeper places than you imagined the conversation would go — as their way of showing you how much they care about what you’re saying.
2. The Relater
This listening language comes in the form of someone sharing similar personal experiences to whatever topic you’re discussing. They relate what you’re saying back to their own lives — not in a way that feels self-centered, but rather, in a way that shows you that whatever you’re experiencing, you’re not alone in it.
You’ll know that a relater is really hearing you because they’ll share an anecdote that connects to your lived experience. By offering their perspective, they’re giving you a gift: Letting you see the world through someone else’s eyes.
3. The Affirmer
This is probably the most recognizable style of active listening — when someone shows you through body language and vocalizations that they hear you.
These people will paraphrase what you’re saying in a conversation and say it back to you. By affirming your words, they’re letting you know that they’re really listening and that you’re being truly and fully heard.
4. The Problem Solver
You’ll know that a problem solver is hearing you because they want to help you.
As Zhou noted, “Whenever you are coming to them with something that’s happening in your life, they like to jump straight to a solution and provide you a way to solve whatever problem you’re in at that time.”
Zhou emphasized that everyone has different active listening preferences, and what makes one person feel heard might make someone else feel ignored.
She noted that, sometimes, you might feel like you’re hitting a roadblock in your communication, particularly if you’re talking to someone who doesn’t reflect your preferred listening style back to you. For that reason, it’s valuable to know what kind of listening language works best for you, and how you show your own listening language to others.
Photo: Roman Samborskyi / Shutterstock
“For example,” she said, “if a questioner is in conversation with a relater, then they feel that they aren't being prompted by the relater to share more of their experience because they're not being asked questions. And then the relater feels that the conversation has kind of come to a halt because the questioner isn't open to sharing their experiences and their stories.”
Much like the different love languages, people's listening language needs vary. What makes an impact on one person might not have the same effect on someone else. The crossover between love languages and listening languages is clear: They're both pathways to helping people feel valued, supported, and held, for just being who they are.
When we share our personal experiences with someone, we make ourselves vulnerable. It's easy to wonder, what if they think we’re weird? What if they don’t understand us at all? Yet offering up that kind of openness is also an act of connection, which in the end, is what we’re all seeking.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture and all things to do with the entertainment industry.