The Sad-But-True Reason People Put Up With Gaslighting
The real reason you can't reject your gaslighter
Vladimir Vladimirov / Getty Images Signature via Canva Dealing with a gaslighter is not easy, but not standing your ground is even harder. Why we put up with being gaslighted is a mystery but luckily we may have the answer.
Holistic psychotherapist Flynn Skidmore is known to help people reflect on and understand their trauma. In an Instagram post, he goes over the real reason you put up with being gaslighted — and it isn't what you think.
The Sad-But-True Reason People Tolerate Gaslighting
Admitting you tolerate being gaslighted is a hard pill to swallow, but it's necessary if you want to heal.
Skidmore says, “The reason you tolerate being gaslighted is because you don’t trust your internal experience.”
Whether it’s guilt or shame, you don’t trust that your internal experience matters. However, this is not your fault. Childhood upbringing is the culprit for many of our current problems. And our childhood bonds can make or break our financial, emotional, and mental successes.
"If you felt that you had to stifle your emotions to bond with your caregiver, that may be the real reason for your tolerance," says Skidmore.
A German study looked at the ways childhood maltreatment (CM) affects us. The study involved 574 participants who were randomly selected to complete a survey.
Participants had varying levels of childhood maltreatment and were told to answer the survey and then complete two rounds of a distrust game.
They found that increased childhood maltreatment (CM) “is associated with increased distrust and decreased trust-learning and increased interpersonal threat perception.”
In addition, they also found participants reported higher levels of emotional and neglectful abuse, rather than physical or sexual abuse throughout their childhood.
Through this study, we can begin to understand just how crucial healing is for our state of mind. "But this can be tricky if you learned that acknowledging your interpersonal experiences would only hurt and confuse you," says Skidmore.
However, our interpersonal experiences are crucial to developing our relationships. Though Skidmore can tell you this all day, it's up to you to accept your experiences.
But how do we do that?
How To Learn To Trust Yourself And Block Gaslighting From Others
Trusting in yourself can be difficult, but it’s not impossible. However, when do you know you are being gaslighted?
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, there are various techniques gaslighters use, which include:
- Withholding
- Countering
- Blocking
- Trivializing
- Forgetting
- Denial
Not sure if you are being gaslighted? Ask yourself these questions:
Do you find yourself second-guessing? Do you feel crazy and confused? Or do you find yourself hiding information and constantly apologizing?
If this is you — chances are you are being gaslighted.
To prevent gaslighting:
- Take space when the situation gets intense.
- Collect evidence such as screenshots or voice memos.
- Address the behavior.
- Remain confident in your reality.
- Focus on self-care.
However, if you are still learning to trust in yourself, you must first reconnect with yourself. Look at your inner desires and question what it is that you want. This doesn't have to be a thought-out answer.
"Small questions like what you want for dinner can be a stepping stone," writes former therapist Saya Des Marais. Practice self-compassion and understand that it's okay to make mistakes.
Finally, set goals for yourself and spend time alone. "Stepping away is sometimes the best way to reset yourself," says Marais.
Gaslighting is an intense manipulation tactic that can leave anyone feeling weak. By educating yourself and incorporating solutions, you can better deal with manipulative behavior.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.