4 Little Things Men Look For In Women Post-Divorce
Learning from what happened in a previous marriage has taught men to want these qualities post-divorce.
Getty Images | Unsplash A reader recently asked how men’s priorities and preferences change when they are looking for partners post-divorce. Comparing my clients before/during their first marriage and after divorce/in their second marriage, I have observed a few key ways that men’s priorities shift after divorce. This post can be useful intel for women looking to find love again the second time around.
My seven-year-old son just came over and asked what I was writing about, and I said, “What men look for in women. What do you think men look for in women?” And he said, “To look good, and be nice.” This sums up a lot of what men want post-divorce, so I will put these two first.
Here are 4 things men look for in women post-divorce:
1. A deep attraction
No man is expecting a supermodel for a second wife unless he is an LA film producer. However, most men are not willing to settle for anyone they are not deeply attracted to, and I certainly think this is the right idea for both men and women. Men who are into fitness seem to very much value that quality in a partner, particularly if they were incompatible on this dimension with their ex. Men value a woman who dresses up to see him, especially if they feel their ex was a roommate in sweats all the time. Of course, I hear the same from women, who want a man who takes pride in his appearance if they felt their ex was a slob.
2. Niceness
Nice, to men, usually means physically and verbally affectionate. Most men do not initiate their divorces, so they were likely in a marriage for years with a partner who was feeling more and more upset or distant. They have not experienced praise or affection in a marriage in a long time, and more than anything, they want someone who can openly express delight, appreciation, and later, love and desire. They want someone who laughs at their jokes. Being nice to his kids is also necessary, but most men do not expect someone who takes on the mother role if their kids have one already.
Photo: Omar Lopez/Unsplash
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3. Enjoyment of sex and touching
The majority of men deeply value the love language of physical touch. If their wife condescended to this love language, and physical affection was very scarce, these men want a woman who values sex and touch in general. No man wants to get into a sexual desert in two marriages in a row, so a partner with a high libido and/or who directly states that she values the sexual component of the relationship and wants to prioritize it and spend time and energy on it is the holy grail for second wives.
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4. Flexibility
In the cases I’ve seen where the man initiates divorce, which, as I’ve said, is much rarer than the converse, it is because the woman’s anxiety and rigidity felt increasingly and intolerably constricting and stressful. This ranges from anxiety about the kids to constantly feeling overwhelmed and stressed to perfectionism. Any untreated and unacknowledged anxiety disorder, especially when coupled with a very rigid worldview, becomes extremely difficult to live with. Men in this position also fear that their kids will be raised to fear the world if their mother teaches them this negative perspective. In their second marriages, most men value open-mindedness and cognitive flexibility.
Photo: Monstera Production/Pexels
There you have it, the four main things that men value in a second marriage. If you’re a woman out on the market, you can use this post to spur you to work on any anxiety issues, which is the main one out of these that can be changed and isn’t a core tenet of your personality. (In contrast, if you don’t like sex and touching and you are dating divorced men, you’re old enough to know this ain’t gonna change, and you need to find a lower libido man, and these do exist!)
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Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.