Husband Accuses Wife Of Being 'Cold' With His Children Because She's Only Affectionate With Her Own Kids
Blending families comes with challenges, yet showing care is important to making kids feel wanted.
Emma Bauso / Pexels A woman wrote to Mumsnet, an English parenting forum, to ask for guidance on a conflict between her and her husband regarding the way she interacts with their children.
The woman’s husband accused her of being ‘cold’ with his children because she’s only affectionate with their biological kids.
She offered some qualifiers, sharing, “I am not a hugely affectionate person, except with my children … I don't really do lots of cuddling or expressions of love. It's just not me and never has been.” She explained that her husband is cuddly and says affectionate things, which she interprets as “a bit awkward.”
“I will say small things and make little gestures but I'm just not a hugely affectionate person,” she reiterated. The two have been together for seven years, raising a blended family.
The conflict that’s arisen between them is rooted in her lack of affection. The woman explained that her husband “struggles with this mostly when it comes to his children… he doesn't like that in his eyes I'm ‘cool’ with them.”
"I’ve never hugged them or told them I love them," the mom said of her step-children. "I don’t think it makes me cold, it’s just not who I am."
Photo: Ketut Subiyanto / Pexels
“We get on really well and have a good time together but no I don't cuddle them or anything. It would feel weird to me,” she continued.
She revealed that she offers physical affection and affirmations to her own biological children, just not not her stepchildren.
“I think he is unreasonable because he knew this was how I am,” she said. “Trying to force me to be more how he wants won't make me a different person.”
No one can force a person into becoming a different version of themselves. Some people's love language is physical touch, yet if that isn't a person’s love language, no amount of calling them out on it will make them change.
However, the fact that the woman doesn’t express affection freely isn’t the crux of the conflict between her and her husband; the conflict exists because she openly offers affection and love to her own kids but not his.
A majority of commenters on the post believed that the woman was being unreasonable. Whether she wants the role or not, she’s in a parental position to her husband’s kids, and with that role comes certain responsibilities, like making them feel cared for.
Photo: cottonbro studio / Pexels
As one person commented, “I think that with the children you might have to make a bit of an effort.” Another person reinforced this belief, saying, “Maybe this is one of those times where you have to fake it to be a decent human being.”
Another person called the woman out for having “made conscious decisions to be in a blended family... But you're not blending.”
“This sounds hurtful to his children, potentially othering them,” said someone else. “I hope you will reflect on this.”
The reality is that even if she doesn’t feel comfortable being outwardly loving with her stepchildren, they will surely take note that she does behave as such toward her own kids. There are other ways to express affection that don’t require physical touch or overtly sentimental expressions.
She could tell them how proud of them she is; she could tell them what qualities they have that she appreciates. Spending quality time with them would also go a long way in making them feel wanted, appreciated, and welcome as part of their family.
Photo: August de Richelieu / Pexels
“It’s not really a case of unfair or otherwise,” said one person. “If it’s affecting his children, it’s not unfair to try to address it with you as you are an adult.”
The issue doesn’t have to do with fairness so much as it has much to do with how her behavior is affecting their family.
If her husband notices it, it’s safe to assume his kids do, too, and while she might not feel comfortable expressing love to his children, doing so would show that they matter to her.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers parenting, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.