Woman Explains Her Theory For Why More Women Have Issues With Their In-Laws Than Men Do
Women seem to get the short end of the stick here.
Motortion Films / Shutterstock As we head into the holiday season, for many people there's one concern looming large in their minds: how to deal with their in-laws. And that probably goes double if you're a woman.
But why is that? Why are the in-laws so much more challenging for women than men? One woman thinks she knows why, and her explanation couldn't be simpler.
She explained her simple theory as to why more women have issues with their in-laws than men.
Struggles with in-laws are nothing new or unique. The trope of the meddling mother-in-law is a trope for a reason, after all. But more often than not, in heterosexual partnerships, it's the man's mother and the female partner who have trouble getting along, not the other way around. Why is that?
Of course, there's the whole "toxic boy mom" culture at play, but TikToker and sobriety coach Nicole Michelle thinks there's more to it than that.
She said more women have issues with their in-laws than men because society expects 'accessibility' from women.
Michelle said it all comes down to the expectations placed on women that men rarely, if ever, are subjected to."I'm beginning to think that the reason why women have so many issues with their in-laws, more so than men do, is because our society's idea about women is that we are accessible," Michelle said in her video.
"Our mental, emotional, and physical labor is just free and accessible," she went on to say, "so if we're the type who gets married and says, no, no, I'm not going along with that … there is pushback, and so much of it because we are not allowing access."
She explained that in-law struggles ultimately come down to boundaries.
"When we make choices, choices for ourselves, such as setting boundaries with family members, we are told we are wrong, bad, evil, mean," Michelle went on to say, "... because women are taught [to] be accommodating, be nice, just go along."
This, she said, results in backlash from in-laws. "We are then always scapegoated and blamed and treated like the bad guy," she said. She furthered that this goes way beyond battles with your mother-in-law. It has wider societal and political implications too.
"Look at what's happening in the United States with women's rights. Look what happened June 24 of 2022," Michelle said, referencing the Supreme Court decision that overturned Roe v. Wade. "What does it all boil down to? Choice. Women making an active choice to be autonomous even though they're married to a man."
In a response to Michelle's video, journalist Mel Hamlett, who frequently writes about these dynamics, described how "men's boundaries are just implied" and never called into question.
And she's noticed how this impacts her own family dynamics, even though she gets along great with her in-laws and loves spending time with them. "He just inherently knows what is his job and what is not his job," she said, "he doesn't assume that he owes the world everything the way I do."
Michelle said that creating boundaries with in-laws is essential to a happy successful marriage.
Michelle elaborated further on her ideas in a follow-up video, in which she said "de-centering" her in-laws. She shared that setting firm boundaries in response to expectations was what saved her marriage.
"We have been taught as women that when we get married, we take on our husband's family, that two families now become one," she said. "And it's almost like we aren't given a choice in the matter."
She dubbed this the "real struggle" with in-laws for women. "If you're marrying their son and you're going to be in their family, they expect you to act like one of them." Men are rarely subjected to similar expectations.
Based on old-fashioned, patriarchal ideas about marriage, Michelle reminded women that as the holidays approach, setting boundaries is more important than ever. Because, after all, the ways these dynamics often manifest during the holidays — like the expectation that all holiday time be spent with the husband's family and not the wife's — are totally unreasonable.
"Just know that you don't have to do any of it," she said.
That's a good reminder for all of us, men and women alike.
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice, and human interest topics.