How To Be Significantly Better At Making Your Partner Happy
A researcher tested eight different phrases to see which made people feel the best.
Polina Tankilevitch | Canva For most of us, being in a healthy relationship means supporting our partner emotionally. This might seem like a simple thing to do, but so many of us get it wrong.
Here's how to be significantly better at making your partner happy.
1. Don't make it worse
When I get depressed, my lovely husband tries to “cheer me up” by being goofy, despite having been told over and over that it only makes me crabbier. He truly means well — he gets a deer-in-the-headlights look when I am struggling and unsure how to proceed.
Trying to support our partner’s emotions and getting it wrong is a common occurrence. Ironically, in an attempt to support our partners, we can unwittingly make things worse.
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2. Know how to emotionally support them
How do we gain a greater understanding of what works best to emotionally support our partner? With that question in mind, Sarah A. Walker, a Ph.D. candidate at the University of Sydney, authored a study to examine how partners can best support their person through good times and bad.
She recruited 277 people, predominately heterosexual romantic couples, and asked them to rate, on a six-point scale, eight different methods that might be used to help support a partner emotionally. The eight methods included:
encouraging their partner to ignore their emotions
comparing their partner’s emotions to another
making their partner laugh
distracting their partner from the issue
eliminating any potential triggers
encouraging their partner to shift their thinking
encouraging their partner to share their emotions
expressing to their partner how much they are valued
And, the winners were….?
3. Express their value.
The first winner in Ms. Walker’s study was "expressing to your person how much they are valued". I was not surprised this was a winner. Feeling seen and valued is a critical thing in any aspect of our lives.
So, what does making your partner feel valued look like?
It means making sure they know how you feel about them. You think they know how you feel about them, but have you told them recently?
It means letting them know how much you respect the person they are and you admire their work ethic, their parenting, or how they are with strangers.
It means letting them know you appreciate all they do for you and others. Again, instead of assuming your person knows how you feel, tell them!
If you are familiar with the 5 Love Languages, the language of making someone feel valued is “Words of Affirmation.” Many of us aren’t well-schooled in this love language and, as a result, we fall short when our partners need it from us.
So, next time your partner is struggling, without overdoing it and making it feel contrived, tell them how much you value them. You and your partner will be happy you did.
4. Truly listen and empathize.
So many of us get indignant and say “I listen!” And, yes, many of us try to listen. Sometimes we succeed, and often we aren’t very good at it.
Listening is a muscle that needs to be exercised to be effective. Listening involves giving your partner your undivided attention. Let them know you are listening by not interrupting. Confirm what they are saying so that they know that you understand.
So many of us listen with one ear, thinking about what we will say in reaction to what they are saying or about what we should have for dinner or something that happened at work. This is not listening.
Effective listening can differ between the sexes. For women, they want to be heard. They want their partner to listen to them, acknowledge how they feel, empathize, and offer a supportive shoulder. For men, listening is more straightforward. They want to speak, be heard, and have things processed and fixed. Unfortunately, many men give their women what they want — to be fixed — something that can backfire in a big way. And women aren’t always as helpful as they might be because, while they are good at empathizing, they might leave their partner at loose ends after the conversation, with no problem being solved.
Because this is a challenge for men and women, it is important to talk to your partner about how they want to be heard and actively work to do so in a way that makes you a better listener and that will support your partner’s emotional health.
I always share this video with my clients struggling to understand. It’s short, sweet and hilarious. Check it out.
5. Make them laugh.
I remember very clearly, when I was dating, putting a sense of humor on my dating profile (who doesn’t). Unfortunately, what I got from a LOT of men was a joke. Some are usually silly, often stupid, jokes. And the last thing a joke makes me (and many women) want to do is laugh. So, if this is you, make sure they are one of those who appreciate a good joke before you use it!
Making someone laugh or smile is a great way to give them emotional support. Did you know that smiling can raise someone’s emotional well-being, if only temporarily? Furthermore, making someone laugh can only increase a couple’s emotional connection. Laughing helps remind someone feeling down that there is still happiness in the world – even if they aren’t feeling it in the moment.
The key is to find out what makes your person laugh. For many of us, when we are struggling emotionally, it’s hard to access those things that we find funny. Therefore, pay attention to what makes your partner laugh in the good times because some things work for some people and not for others.
Things that make me laugh: Sarcasm. Parks and Recreation. Watching my kitty play with my charging cord. Watching my husband try to navigate the fine line between being goofy and making me laugh.
What kind of things make your partner laugh? If you aren’t sure, ask them or keep an eye out. That way, if you know what they need when your partner is struggling, you can reach into your laughter toolbox and find what will help your partner get through difficult times.
So, there you go – three ways to be significantly better at making your partner happy. It can be challenging to do, but the work of Ms. Walker is invaluable to us all.
One note. While valuing, listening, and making someone smile are the winners in Ms. Walker’s study, that doesn’t mean those things will work for everyone. Some people might find that eliminating a trigger is very effective – such as not forcing their person to go to Sunday dinner with their parents EVERY Sunday. Or suggest watching their favorite movie to distract them, even if for a few hours.
Talk to your partner about what works for them so you have a clear understanding and can achieve your goal, and support them emotionally to keep your relationship strong.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.