Affair Recovery Specialist Says Women Who Choose Affairs With Married Men Are ‘Partner Poachers’ And Deserve The Blame They Get
"That's not pro-woman, that's not pro-marriage, not pro-family. It's pro-selfishness."
Tirachard Kumtanom / Shutterstock An affair recovery specialist shared why women who have affairs with known married men are just as at fault and should be blamed too.
In a TikTok video, Rece, who makes content surrounding relationship dynamics, claimed that in discussions surrounding affairs, the people who end up breaking up the marriage for their own selfish reasons should be reprimanded and criticized too.
She explained that women who have affairs with married men are 'partner poachers' and deserve blame.
"When it comes to affair narratives there is a huge thing going on that it's only the person who cheats fault, meaning the mistress or the mister, it can't be their fault because they didn't have the obligation," Rece began in her video.
Rece acknowledged that there are instances in which people are lied to about the relationship status of a person they might be seeing and might not understand that separation doesn't always mean divorce. But for people who actively pursue a known married person, it's different. Rece claimed it's a huge "moral compass" issue that takes center stage.
"Us trying to say that, 'Hey, she doesn't have an obligation, so it's okay' is a [expletive] response. That's not pro-woman, that's not pro-marriage, not pro-family. It's pro-selfishness," Rece argued. "If somebody actively pursues a married person it is just as much on them as it is the married person."
The term Rece coined for a person like that is "partner poaching" and insisted that they should be called out.
In a follow-up video, Rece responded to a comment from someone who disagreed with her take and tried to argue that a "happy home can't be wrecked." They insisted that if a married person had an affair, then they should be the only ones to blame.
"I hate responses like this because it lacks accountability for the other people," Rece remarked. "As if every relationship is happy all the time, they're not. People go through struggles and if you're married getting pursued by another person, that's [nonsense]."
Rece explained how not every person who cheats with a married person is a 'partner poacher' but drew a connection between them and groomers.
Rece clarified in another TikTok video that not every person who ends up in an affair with a married person is at fault, as some people may find themselves in those types of situations without warning. Actual partner poachers, who seek out married people, however, are the problem.
"Those who seek out a married person because they think they're better. These types of people feel better about themselves when they take a partner away and it is 100% grooming," she argued.
Rece conducted a marriage affair survey and asked over 1,000 tempted partners if they thought they were being purposely poached by someone looking to break up their marriage, and found that about 30% said they believed so.
"If 30% of affairs were people who were partner poached that accounts for a whole lot of affairs. One of the most important things that we can do is teach people these strategies so that people aren't victims to it," she continued. "So, also teaching people who are victims to some kind of grooming or partner poaching can heal when they understand."
While a married person isn't absolved from cheating and having an affair, partner poachers tend to zero in on the person they want and will spend days, weeks, and sometimes years, moving in and grooming them until that person is ready to step out of their marriage. These people often wait until a married person is extremely vulnerable before swooping in and making their move.
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"There's a big difference between a partner poacher and those who have an affair and stray, and we cannot, as a society, just pretend that it's okay. People can break down people's walls, barriers, and boundaries. Now, once you know what it is and once you understand it, and you have better boundaries, you can fully put a stop to it."
According to Psychology Today, approximately 64% of men and 49% of women reported trying to poach someone who was currently in a romantic relationship. While acknowledging that not every instance of a married person having an affair is the result of partner poaching, the ones that are should be recognized and condemned for actively pursuing people in committed relationships for their own selfish reasons.
Of course, it takes two to have an affair, and just as women and men labeled as "homewreckers" are dragged through the mud, so should the people in those long-term relationships who decided to step outside of their commitments in the first place. However, by Rece urging people to shift their perspective on extramarital affairs, we can slowly begin to understand how nuanced these situations might actually be.
Nia Tipton is a Chicago-based entertainment, news, and lifestyle writer whose work delves into modern-day issues and experiences.