I Know Marriage Counseling Led To My Divorce But I Don’t Regret It
As much as I wanted my marriage to last, it was the best thing I did.
dragana991, Billion Photos | Canva When my husband and I were married for eight years I packed up our children and moved to my sister’s house. I was leaving him. I wasn’t going back. I was sure of it.
Ultimately, he talked me into coming back nearly a month later.
He said he would go to marriage counseling.
Our first counselor was a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and we saw him for eight months. During that time, I remember my sister imparting some fairly accurate words.
"Things are much better," I said.
"You can’t fix marital problems in a short amount of time," she said. "It can take a long time to work on relationship dynamics."
Big sisters have an uncanny way of being right. It’s those extra years they have on you. It makes them wiser.
Our first attempt at marriage counseling was a Band-Aid. Things improved for six years. I guess that’s a respectable amount of time. Our first counselor didn’t have the advanced training to recognize what our psychologist marriage counselor diagnosed.
I had married an empathy-lacking man with a narcissistic personality disorder.
The second time I heeded my sister’s advice.
My husband quit attending couples counseling for shy of a year. I decided to continue seeing our marriage counselor by myself. I was miserably unhappy and I couldn’t get him to move forward. I decided to work on my own self-reflection, growth and progress.
I thought it might eventually save my relationship.
I foolishly thought I could rescue my marriage alone.
In reality, one person can’t save a relationship of two.
But something funny happened along the way. The more I learned about myself the healthier I became and the more I strived to abandon patterns of unhealthy behavior. I worked on my pleasing, fixing and rescuing genes.
I was growing. I was evolving. I was moving forward.
My husband was standing still.
Ironically, he would accuse me of being stuck.
Because I was demanding change and I wasn’t changing my mind. He would say, "Everything will be fine if you just go back to being who you always were."
"It’s not going to happen," I say.
I wasn’t willing to tolerate the intolerable any longer.
The marriage counselor explained that I had made the choices and decisions along the way. I had chosen to put up with the destructive drinking and the other bad behaviors my husband was indulging in.
My husband was the one who was stuck. He didn’t want to personally or jointly evolve.
He didn’t want to leave me either.
He was shocked when I initiated the divorce. He didn’t believe I would do it. If he cared enough about me, he would have seen the changes in me. I was transforming into a more self-responsible and self-accountable adult.
I was learning how to love better.
I was outgrowing him emotionally.
I was unhappy for years.
My own innate behaviors were exaggerating that misery. Why? Because they reinforced making excuses, giving a person too many chances and remaining in an unhealthy love.
For no other reason, than I cared too much.
I loved my husband but I didn’t love the way he treated me.
It took years of counseling for me to get a proper understanding of my own personality, my family of origin and what led me to make the choices I made.
As well as the choice of the man I chose.
My sister was right.
I believe in marriage counseling. I believe it works for some couples. I don’t think every marriage or every situation is the same. Just because my story turned out this way doesn’t mean someone else’s will.
They could have a success story.
I know marriage counseling led to my divorce but I don’t regret it.
It was the best decision I ever made.
Colleen Sheehy Orme is a national relationship columnist, journalist, and former business columnist. She writes about love, life, relationships, family, parenting, divorce, and narcissism.