Divorce Attorney Says The Way A Husband Gave His Wife $250 For A Monthly Housecleaner Is 'Financial Abuse'
The signs are so subtle, people are likely to miss them.
@atlholisticfamilylaw / TikTok; ElenaR, Ground Picture / Shutterstock A divorce attorney has issued an important warning about a marital obstacle that many people are unaware of, especially married women who are stay-at-home parents. Some of these women may feel as if they are not entitled to a portion of their partner’s paychecks since they do not work outside the home, and do not ask for or mention it unless their partner provides them with it.
However, the lawyer notes that in a marriage, finances should be discussed and shared fairly among spouses. If they fail to have these conversations and only the person who is working outside of the home gets to hold onto the money and make the financial decisions, it is a form of abuse.
Divorce attorney Jeanette Soltys explained that spouses should not have to ask one another for money and should make a reasonable agreement to split finances.
Soltys, who is the founder of Atlanta Holistic Family Law, voiced her thoughts after a married woman posted a TikTok video where she described the financial situation between herself and her husband. Since she is a stay-at-home parent to their two children, her husband works outside of the home to provide for them financially.
Although, according to Soltys, this does not necessarily mean that the woman’s husband is entitled to all of the money and should be the only one making the financial decisions.
The woman shared a video clip of herself deep-cleaning her kitchen and revealed that on the first of every month, $250 comes out of her husband’s bank account. The woman claims that the money goes towards their house cleaner, who cleans the home.
The couple did not always want to have a house cleaner until the woman became pregnant with their second child and was suffering from extreme morning sickness while looking after their toddler.
She said that she “asked” her husband if they could hire a house cleaner to help her keep their house tidy while she was off her feet. However, her husband told her that the option “was not in their budget.”
This set off alarm bells for Soltys, who questioned why the couple was not budgeting and making financial decisions as a team.
The decision was not brought up again until a few months ago when the woman’s husband asked if she was still interested in hiring a housekeeper. “Obviously, I said yes,” she revealed.
The woman told her husband that she would make the arrangements and that all she needed from him was $250 in cash on the first of each month so she could pay the housekeeper.
Unbeknownst to her husband, the woman never wound up hiring a housekeeper. Instead, she is the one who has been cleaning the house on the first of each month and has been pocketing the money. The woman plans on using the money to partake in a “new, expensive hobby” since her husband “doesn’t seem to mind those.”
While the woman may see nothing wrong with her current situation, since she is finally obtaining the money she could benefit from, Soltys believes that she is stuck in a financially abusive relationship.
“If your access to money is severely restricted, this is a form of abuse,” Soltys pointed out.
Financial abuse is when one partner in a relationship has control over the other partner’s access to financial resources.
This way, they do not have the means to support themselves and limited assets should they ever leave the relationship, ultimately giving their partner the power to continue controlling and keeping them around.
According to the Center for Financial Security, financial abuse occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases.
Soltys was not the only one concerned for the woman’s well-being and marriage due to her severely limited access to money. Other TikTok users expressed their worries in the comments section.
“Asking a spouse for money has never sat right with me. Our money goes into the account and we decide how it is used together,” one user commented. “The bigger issue is why she feels the need to lie to the husband about it,” another user noted.
Other people shared their own experiences of being in a financially abusive relationship.
“I couldn't spend anything, not even five dollars, on our kids unless I called and had to ask him if it was okay. But he had 12 packs of beer every night!” one user revealed. “Watched my mom go through similar stuff. Always hid her bonus checks because he [her husband] would take the whole thing,” another user wrote.
Photo: Natakorn_Maneerat / Shutterstock
Many people may ask themselves that if the woman is in a financially abusive situation, why doesn’t she just leave? The answer is heartbreakingly complicated.
Some people may not spot the signs that their partner is manipulating and controlling them by withholding finances.
Some behavioral patterns and warning signs to look out for include your partner discouraging you from having a job, limiting your spending, and failing to discuss important financial decisions.
Their abuse may be masked by their claims that they “just want to support you” or they do not want you to have to “worry about money” while you’re with them.
"They’re so incredibly emotionally weak that they have to try to bring the other person’s self-esteem down so low because they are so afraid the other person is going to leave,” Brad Koltz, a financial psychologist and associate professor, explained to Good Housekeeping about those who financially abuse their partners.
There are methods you can partake in and utilize to protect yourself from financial abuse.
Psychologists recommend that even if one partner does not work outside the home, they should set up their own separate bank account that only they have access to, pull their credit report to review their finances, and seek the help of professional therapists who will guide them through appropriate measures to leave the relationship.
“Your attempts to become more financially empowered will be met by very strong and fierce resistance from your partner,” Koltz adds. “To be quite honest, sometimes it requires you to go to a domestic violence shelter to have a shot at getting out of it.”
A marriage is a partnership where parties should be working for, not against, each other. Discussing financial decisions and how to wisely budget as a team with one another will only make your relationship, and your financial situation, stronger.
Even if one partner looks after the children and household while the other works outside of the home, finances should still be entitled to both of them. After all, they are both doing the work to keep their houses functioning, even if one is not given a physical paycheck.
Megan Quinn is a writer at YourTango who covers entertainment and news, self, love, and relationships.