6 Little Things About Divorce People Are Often Too Ashamed To Talk About
Every divorce is unique, and separation often comes with shame.
Zinkevych | Canva Once one person in your friend group divorces, research confirms it's usually common enough to see others follow suit. All things considered, I’ve been seeing a lot of different sides of a divorce.
Divorce seems to be one of those things that no one can fully warn you about unless they’ve been there. Or, as my friend Ted explained, "If you know, you know."
I never realized how devastating a divorce can be until I saw my friends go through it. Financially, everyone knows it costs a ton. But these things? Yeah, no one explained them.
Here are 6 little things about divorce that people are often too ashamed to talk about:
1. That you may have to divvy up friends
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I've frequently overheard people bemoan losing a mother-in-law who they began to see as a parent figure. At times, people are also shocked at how little their in-laws stick up for them during a divorce or abuse.
To a point, that’s to be expected. Rare is the parent who sides with their daughter/son-in-law instead of their kid. It makes sense, though. It’s your blood relations.
What most people don’t tell you is the sheer number of friends you’ll lose. Like with all breakups, there’s a certain point where friends are going to side with one person or another. That’s to be expected.
But, when it’s a divorce, it’s not like a breakup. People get a lot meaner to those they reject because you’re not just the ex. You’re the "awful gold digger who took all his money" or "the cad who cheated on a pregnant wife."
Oh, and remember when I said that divorce seems to be contagious? Research from the Pew Research Center states a person is 75% more likely to get divorced if a close friend or family member is divorced. So, expect some friends to bail completely when you announce a divorce.
2. That your home suddenly feels empty
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My friend Ted came home to find his ex’s stuff all gone: all her clothes, her furniture, her paintings, everything gone. It was then that it hit him, the full severity of a divorce.
His home, once cramped, felt extremely spacious. People don’t realize how much space a person can take up until that person is gone. Even a minimalist will have a lot of stuff with them.
No one can prepare you for how this feels. In a weird way, it almost feels like your place is haunted by the ghost of a person who’s still alive. It’s jarring and it’s something you really have to brace for.
3. That you may feel pressure to explain the reason for your divorce
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So, this is one of those things that I notice tends to happen with people who aren’t narcissists, abusive, or cheaters. Most people who are doing the damage are pretty vocal about what kind of a person they married.
Obviously, there are exceptions to the rule there — especially when it comes to extreme abuse or a marriage that was so resentment-filled, it was bound to collapse. But, I digress.
When you say you’re divorced, people tend to expect an explanation. Or, at least it feels that way. If you grew up in a conservative area, divorce is seen as a personal failing, especially if you’re female.
Sometimes, people don’t say anything but you feel like you have to say something to just fill in the quiet pauses. It’s a struggle, especially when you are still struggling with the idea that divorce could be a personal failure.
4. That you may no longer recognize your ex
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For the most part, my friends have been lucky because most of their divorces are fairly amicable. Or rather, they are as amicable as one could expect them to be, given the personality of their ex.
My friend Riley* was a bit different. She had a husband, Lou*, who was very kind, gentle, and supportive of her. They married and agreed not to have kids. They wanted to have a cat rescue and a large house.
Their relationship was great until Lou’s mother died. Then, he changed his mind when it came to kids. He wouldn’t stop whining and badgering her, so she decided to divorce him because she was not willing to have children.
Lou went from this sweet, soft-spoken guy who was the "envy husband" of her circle of friends. But in the span of the three months after she served papers, he:
- Threatened to kill himself
- Warned her that he would "make her so poor, she’ll die in the street"
- Vandalized some of her belongings
- Held her dog hostage
- Went on a full smear campaign against her
Everyone who saw those text messages was floored. He was a monster to her, and it was so unlike what we were used to seeing. Thankfully, Riley is now in a safe area where Lou can’t get to her.
Real talk: no one would have believed that Lou could turn into such a horrible human being. Nobody in our group of friends could recognize him. Whether he was always this person or he just snapped is beyond us, but it illustrates a serious truth about divorce.
Nothing will turn an otherwise decent person into a hateful, spiteful, and greedy jerk like a divorce they don’t want. You don’t know how your spouse will react, so if you’re worried for your safety, get yourself (and your pets/kids) away before it’s too late.
5. That you may have flights of random emotions
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I remember when my mom’s friend had a divorce when I was a kid. Mom made spaghetti for them as her friend stayed for a bit.
As soon as the spaghetti hit the plate, she cried. She was fine three minutes ago.
I don’t know whether the pasta was just that bad, or if the pasta reminded her of something. Whatever the reason was, she started sobbing hysterically and left the table.
For most of us, this seems wild. For anyone who has ever been through a rough breakup (and divorces are always rough), it makes perfect sense.
There’s not always a rhyme or reason as to what sets us off when we grieve. Sometimes, what you think you’ll be devastated over ends up being a big ol’ nothing. Other times, it’s the stupidest little thing you find yourself crying over.
At times, you may also find yourself being calm, calm, calm … and then a small little inconvenience sets you off. That, too, is normal — especially if you were raised to bottle up emotions.
No matter how you grieve, you should just assume that divorce is something that you’re going to have to battle through. No one has the right to judge you for the way you cope until they’ve walked a mile in your shoes.
6. That dating again after your divorce might be weird
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For some people, this will be the first time they've been single in years. While there's no set time to wait before diving into dating again after divorce, it's always good to make sure you're ready first.
And if you have kids, it might take you even longer. Dating immediately after a divorce can be hard on mothers, research from 2017 confirms.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES., Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.