Woman No Longer Attracted To Her Partner Isn't Sure She Should Leave Because She Wants Kids
Her fears about the future are holding her back from feeling fulfilled in her relationship.
Oleksandr Medvedenko / Shutterstock A 34-year-old woman wrote to Mumsnet, an English parenting forum, seeking advice about a relationship that seems to no longer suit her needs. She explained that she’s been with her partner for three years, describing their first two years together as “blissfully perfect.” She said, “We fell madly in love right away and we had the best emotional and physical connection.”
But after moving in together, “things started deteriorating.”
The woman no longer feels attracted to her partner but isn’t sure if she should leave the relationship because she wants to have kids.
Upon living together, she came to realize that his level of emotional maturity didn’t match hers, and he didn’t equitably contribute to maintaining their household. She explained that he “leaves all the mental load of our relationship to me,” including “not picking up after himself, asking me what needs to be done at home versus taking the initiative, and not planning any of our holidays or date nights because he knows I will do it.”
His behavior illustrated a certain level of weaponized incompetence, as she said, “If I don’t do these things myself, he will either not do them or do them poorly, which impacts me in the end.” She stated that they’ve discussed those issues “extensively,” and he makes changes for a few weeks and then slips back into his well-worn patterns of leaving the work up to her.
“I feel like his parent rather than his partner,” the woman exclaimed, noting that their dynamic has led to her no longer feeling attracted to him. “We haven’t had sex in 9 months because I can’t bring myself to do it,” she revealed.
They’re considering couples therapy, and she noticed that he’s making more of an effort to contribute at home and emotionally connect, but she’s worried it’s too late for her former romantic feelings to return.
To complicate matters, she has a medical condition that could potentially make having children difficult and being a mom is something she deeply wants. She acknowledged that bringing a child into her current relationship would further harm their already strained dynamic.
She’s scared to leave the relationship, despite feeling unsatisfied, because she’s worried she won’t have another chance to meet someone and start a family.
The comments from other women on the site overwhelmingly urged her to put her needs first and leave the relationship that no longer fulfilled her.
“Stop wasting your valuable, limited time,” one person proclaimed. Another person noted that her partner seemed unwilling to commit to actual change, stating, “If you've already communicated with him what the problem is and he's understood but not done anything or only made changes short term that didn't last, therapy isn't likely to help, because the problem isn't a failure of communication or lack of understanding, it's that he doesn't give a s–t.”
Photo : Klaus Nielsen / Pexels
Someone else offered a practical take on the situation, saying, “Kids aren’t relevant right now because you are not in a happy relationship… Don’t let imaginary futures ruin your actual reality.”
The woman’s worries about beginning a new relationship are valid — it can be hard to start over and establish a connection with someone new. It seems that on some level, she understands that she’s not happy, yet she still feels scared to prioritize her own emotional needs.
As other comments pointed out, becoming a mom isn’t necessarily contingent on being in a partnership. She has inherent worth outside of her relationship. Once she truly recognizes that she’s allowed to feel fulfilled, she’ll make decisions to put herself first in her own life.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers relationship issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.