Woman's Honest Response To A Question About Intimacy In Her Relationship 'Humiliates' Husband — But He's Ignored Her Past Concerns
Maintaining intimacy in a marriage takes labor from both people in a partnership.
DimaBerlin / Shutterstock Making a marriage work requires open, direct communication and an inherent amount of trust. One woman wrote to Reddit wondering if she had betrayed these qualities after making a statement during a discussion amongst friends about the challenges of relationships.
She asked the subreddit r/AmITheA–hole if she was wrong for the answer she gave when questioned about her and her husband’s physical relationship.
The woman’s honest response to a question about intimacy in her relationship ‘humiliated’ her husband.
She explained that she and her husband attended a birthday party for one of his friends. She described the celebration as “a bigger party, and all my husband’s friends and their wives were there, [but] no kids.”
At the party, another woman expressed feeling annoyed by her husband, and declared, “Men — If they didn’t get us off, why would we keep them?”
“I awkwardly laughed but I guess looked uncomfortable,” the woman said. “She asked me what was up, and she pointed out that I made a weird face.”
The woman chose that moment to share a vulnerable truth, telling the other woman, “I’ve just never had an orgasm before, so I guess I couldn’t relate.”
According to the woman’s account, “Almost a dozen people looked at me when I said that, it was super awkward. The wife then awkwardly asked ‘is everything ok down there?’ and I said ‘Yeah, just have never had anyone try I guess.’”
She described the fall-out that stemmed from her confession of never having an orgasm, saying, “All my husband's friends took turns insulting him in various ways. Many women talked about how they’d never be married to someone who didn’t get the job done.”
Her husband insisted that they leave the party early. When they arrived home, the real conflict began.
“He lectured me about how I humiliated him. I pointed out that she asked and I have a tendency to be honest,” she explained. Her husband remained upset for days afterward, “saying he can’t talk to his friends because now they think badly of him.”
The wife asked if she was wrong for being honest about her lack of sexual satisfaction from her husband.
She edited the end of her post to include a crucial piece of information, one that seemed to shift people’s beliefs as to whether or not she was being an a–hole for publicly declaring her dissatisfaction with her and her husband’s sex life.
She has told her husband “countless times in the past” that she doesn’t have orgasms during sex, he responds that “it’s not important [or] not a big deal that he doesn’t get me off.”
She used his disregard for her pleasure to justify airing their private life at the party, saying, “Since it’s not that important, I just don’t see why I have to hide it like some kind of dirty secret.”
People in the comments seemed divided as to whether she was wrong to tell their friends that her husband doesn’t make any effort in bed.
Some people believed that a couple’s intimate relationship was no one else’s business, naming her as the a–hole for making a private issue so public. Others claimed that her husband was the a–hole, for his callous disregard of her pleasure.
One person stated, “Making love includes two people enjoying the sex or working with each other to make it enjoyable for both parties. The fact that your husband silences you about both people deserving to have fun, and then tries to silence you about honest answers about your love life indicates what a selfish man he is.”
“I think his apathy towards you is more concerning than his inability to pleasure you,” noted someone else. Another person expressed their belief that she wasn’t the a–hole, stating, “If he doesn't care– if he's not embarrassed about making zero effort for his partner— why should she?”
Yet one person’s perspective showed the complexity of the situation, noting, “Self-exploration is a great way to find out what you like. Not every body will react the same way.” They believe knowing how to give yourself an orgasm is an essential part of anyone’s sexual identity, and in some ways, the wife has agency and is responsible for advocating for her own pleasure.
The wife came to the comments to give answers to those wondering about the exact nature of her inability to have an orgasm. She explained, “I physically can’t give myself one. I’ve been trying for ten years. Knowing that it’s me touching myself and not another person makes it unappealing. I’ve gotten close with men before, but never gotten quite there.”
After revealing that information, some people maintained that her husband clearly wasn’t offering her an equitable sexual experience, yet others commented that her inability to give herself an orgasm might be rooted in something deeper and recommended she seek both medical and therapeutic services. Others made the valid claim that sex isn’t always about the end goal of getting off — it can be about sharing intimacy as an expression of loving someone.
As someone else succinctly stated, neither the husband nor the wife were on their best behavior. Speaking directly to the wife, they said, “You’re the a–hole at the party, He’s the a–hole on an everyday basis for not caring about your needs.”
The reality remains that everyone’s marriage works differently, and no one thing is right for every couple.
Maintaining intimacy in a marriage takes labor from both people in a partnership. Yet from an outside perspective, it appears neither person in this particular marriage is operating from a place that recognizes the value of giving while receiving.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers family issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.