6 Little Things You Must Give Up For Good To Find Your Soulmate, According To Psychology
If you want to meet your person, let these things go sooner than later.
Sanja85 | Canva Are you trying to attract your dream partner and have been reading all the "How-to" guides and books available? As a relationship coach, here’s the formula I’ve seen working miracles: Less is more when it comes to attracting a partner.
Life is like a vacuum. You can only invite in new experiences (e.g. a partner) if you let go of old ones. By giving up the following 6 things you’ll soon start attracting high-quality partners into your life.
Here are 6 little things you must give up to find your soulmate, according to psychology:
1. Control
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If you think you can control when Mr. or Mrs. Right comes into your life, I have to disappoint. You can download all the dating apps on the planet, have 5 dates a day, and still end up alone.
The moment you start trying to control the timing of your soul mateship, you’re acting from a place of fear. No good things ever happen if you’re experiencing a lack.
Here are a few examples:
- Setting yourself the goal of finding a partner soon because all your friends have one
- Having gone on a few dates and trying to convince yourself "They must be the one!"
- Hoping they like and want a relationship with you too
Stop trying to get into the other person’s experience instead of staying in your power. You can’t force or control any outcome. Research from 2023 confirms you can't 'make' yourself compatible with someone.
Your true soulmate can only find you if you’re acting from a place of power. That means loving your life as it is and wanting a partner to complement it, not to complete it.
Just wait and see. If someone truly belongs in your life, they will stay no matter what, without you having to control or force it.
2. Attachment
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Even if you find your soulmate they might get diagnosed with a terminal illness, die in a car accident, or suddenly leave. This is not to sound pessimistic but to help you focus on the only place where life (and love) happen: in the present moment. Staying in the present moment allows you to live a happy and comfortable life, research from 2017 confirms.
Naturally, you will get attached to a partner but you can still choose to remember that everything is impermanent. Looking at science, there’s only one type of love: pure and universal.
The love you feel for a partner should be the same as the love you feel for a sibling, friend, or pet. Here's what that means in a nutshell, as beautifully put by André Duqum:
"Love is wanting what’s truly best for another person even if you don’t think that’s what’s gonna be best for you at the moment or what you truly want."
Thus, experiencing true soul mateship means letting go of attachment as best as you can. Ancient traditions even cite "attachment" as the source of all misery.
Attachment is the opposite of true love. Keep reminding yourself that you’ll be okay no matter what happens or doesn’t happen.
3. Future plans
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I hear so many people saying:
- "I’ll do this vacation once I have a partner."
- "I don’t yet want to move out of my flat because maybe I have a partner soon."
- "I’ll do this course/visit XYZ/wear that lingerie once I have a partner."
How does it feel to sit in a waiting room all your life? Please stop waiting for a partner to do the things you desire. Doing things alone can even boost your well-being, according to research.
Yes, it’s okay to want to have a partner and have great experiences together. But all the above are excuses for not stepping into your full power.
You can create all those things with yourself, friends, family, or any amazing community. You don’t need a romantic partner. You can be the best you've ever had if you’re committed enough to your pleasure. You can even adopt a child alone. Stop waiting for another person to start your plans.
4. Expectations
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If you expect your partner to "make you happy" and fulfill your life, you’re running in the opposite direction of soulmates. Can you imagine the immense pressure it puts on another person to think they’re responsible for your joy?
You are the only source of your happiness. It’s an internal state. Let go of all expectations you have from a partner and first, give all you expect from them to yourself. Having unrealistic unmet expectations can lead to depression, research from 2012 states.
Also, let go of the thought that having a partner will "heal" or "save" certain parts of you. As Blu of Earth put it: "Relationships are mirrors. You have the opportunity to see yourself through another person’s eyes."
A partner can reflect your blind spots to you but it’s still your job to work through them. You can’t expect them to do the work for you. If your life has been turbulent, a soulmate won’t miraculously save you from all your wounds and issues.
5. Projections
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"You find yourself in situationships looking for relationships because if you left the situationships, you’d find yourself in relationships." — Mark Groves, relationship coach
Getting ready for "the one" means letting go of projections. You keep dating bad people because you’re assigning meaning to your situationships.
You project traits onto a person and carve an ideal image that doesn’t exist. Many people say after just one date: "I think they’re the one" or even worse, they pressure themselves thinking "They must be the one!"
Letting go of projections also means accepting that truly getting to know someone takes time. If you want to find your soulmate, remember that seeing the depth of their "soul" doesn’t happen overnight.
Stop projecting your needs onto others, get super real and clear with yourself, and be unromantically rational. Truly knowing someone takes time, and taking it slow can help your relationship, according to research from the New York Times.
6. Hope
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If you want to meet "the one," it’s time to let go of all hope. Not the hope that this person exists — they do and they’re just as excited to meet you as you are to meet them. However, you have to let go of any hope that your former lover(s) will come back or that your ex will suddenly change and turn into Prince or Princess Perfect!
Who wants to get back with their ex anyway? All of the same problems will still be there. Studies from 2014 state that couples who keep getting back together will have lower relationship satisfaction, and will not be as committed to each other.
I find so many people being dishonest with themselves when it comes to previous relationships and lovers. They say they’re "over it" but once they get that "I miss you" message from them they’re hooked again.
The chances of people changing are about 1 percent. The chances of people changing for you are exactly 0 percent. Because another person can only change for themselves, never for you.
As I said in the beginning, you first have to free up energy to be able to take up space for someone new. That means truly grieving and letting go of your old relationships, knowing that the best is yet to come.
Instead of putting more "to-dos" into your dating life, I’m a big fan of eliminating the things that don’t serve you anymore. You’ll free up space and can automatically trust the vacuum of life that new experiences are bound to come. Your soulmate can only find you when you are in your true power, acting from a place of love, not from fear.
Anja Vojta, MSc is a certified relationship coach and breakup expert. She's a frequent contributor to Medium, The Good Men Project, Better Humans, among many others.