Masculinity Expert Believes That Men In Relationships Will Often 'Hide Behind' Their Wives And Think They're Being 'Compassionate'
Some of these men are doing the right thing, but sometimes, the right thing just isn't enough.
@watchfulcoyote / TikTok A masculinity expert named Jack (@watchfulcoyote on TikTok) frequently posts about masculinity and guides men to healthy masculinity practices while recording in the middle of the woods with several cute dogs around him.
In a video recently posted about “Who’s in front in a fight?” Jack asked a question that many men would probably answer “no” to. However, the way they actually act is completely opposite to the answer they would give.
Jack asked men if they would hide behind their wives in defending their homes.
“Men, if you and your girlfriend or wife were defending your home in a gunfight, would you give her the body armor and the only gun and then hide behind her?” he asked in a video posted on June 18, 2023. “I expect very few of us would answer yes to that. I wouldn’t, but I’ve both acted and seen a lot of other guys act in ways that amount to the same thing.”
Of course, the analogy of a fictional gunfight is a pretty extreme situation, but he believes that because these situations in which men hide behind their wives happen so often, they actually have a much deeper impact than the gunfight he made up in his head.
Continuing forward with nuggets of knowledge and wisdom, Jack explained that he and his wife share absolutely everything with their closest friends and their therapist. “If there’s something happening in my relationship that I feel hesitant to share with my friends or therapist, that’s the thing I need to share the most,” he said. “Secrecy in relationships actively creates breeding grounds for everyone’s worst patterns to grow unchecked into manipulation and abuse.”
Continuing with the idea that the community that surrounds you often plays a role in your relationships, Jack made up a situation in which men will often hide behind their wives and proves his initial point about why it might be harmful to their relationships.
“Let’s imagine, for example, that my father held a traditional view of who should cook, and within my wife and my relationship, I was doing most of the cooking and my dad kept making offhand comments to my wife about it,” he explained. “Not explicitly problematic, just clearly pointing in that direction.”
“[Would] love to see more of what your food tastes like!” or “My mom used to cook every night of the week!” were the phrases he used as examples, and many men would do nothing about it.
He believes that many men will leave their partners to face those comments alone.
Instead of stepping up in the moment, he believes that many men will simply “commiserate” with their wives later and say things like, “Oh yeah he’s super sexist, that really sucks. I’m sorry you have to deal with that,” or offer up support in the form of suggestions for her response.
“That’s supportive, that’s being a good partner, neither of those are bad things. Maybe I even talk to him about it once or twice,” he continued explaining. “That’s also a great thing for me to do, and none of it’s enough.”
Jack says that a similar situation happened to him and his wife in the past and his wife helped him realize his error. “She came to me and said ‘Hey, I really appreciate your support, but it feels like you’re just buckling on my armor, sharpening my sword, and then tending my wounds when I get back.’”
“I need you out here, at least next to me, holding the actual boundary of making our relationship a safe space.” He said it hit him like a ton of bricks. Jack thought he was being kind, compassionate, and supportive, but he wasn’t actually doing enough.
In the moment, he should’ve stepped up to his father and said something like, “Dad, I respect grandma, and I didn’t marry her for a reason... This is how I choose to be in a relationship with my wife and I need you to respect my choices and that means not making comments like that again. If you can’t respect this boundary, then you’re not going to be able to spend time with me or my family like this because you’re actively disrespecting me, my family, and my wife. Do you hear what I’m saying?”
With this response, Jack centered the conversation around himself instead of making the focus on his wife. This way, he isn’t continuing the cycle of leaving his wife in the line of fire, but instead protects his wife and stands up for her simply by standing up for himself.
He also shared that it’s equally important for women to set similar boundaries. Because a good relationship will include open communication on who should be standing on the front line of defense when tackling these various situations.
Isaac Serna-Diez is an Assistant Editor for YourTango who focuses on entertainment and news, social justice, and politics.