Psychology Says There's 6 Specific Types Of Hard Work That Make Relationships Thrive
Life-long love is never easy, but putting in the work makes it worth it.
Febry Arya | Canva Some relationships start so easily. You feel a strong connection right away and you feel so comfortable together. And then, for some reason, you find yourself arguing about the same things all the time and it feels like you don’t understand each other at all. Isn’t love supposed to be easy? Shouldn’t it be enough that you love each other? Why does it take so much work to get along?
The truth? You’ll end up having conflict no matter who you’re in a relationship with. It’s okay to get mad and disagree because getting stuck in a fight cycle is a normal relationship progression. The problem is when you’re missing the skills to find your way through conflict to create a deeper connection.
There are six specific types of hard work that make relationships thrive:
1. Take a pause when triggered
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If you’re triggered, you’re likely to say or do something you’ll regret. You can’t reconnect and repair until you compose yourself. It’s not your partner’s responsibility to calm you down, it’s up to you to calm your nervous system.
Take a pause as soon as you realize you’re triggered. Use this time to get your brain back online and feel serene (do not sit and stew about the events that upset you). When you’re triggered, your mind is in fight/flight mode, and you can’t think clearly.
Try this out next time you’re triggered: Tell your partner you need to pause and then find a space where you are alone. Sit or lie down and place your hand on your chest or your navel. Research from 2024 found that taking a five-second break before things escalate can reduce the chances of a full-blown argument occurring.
Breathe slowly in and out until you begin to feel your body and mind calming down. Once you are present, grounded, and tranquil, reach out to your partner and find out if they are ready to repair and reconnect.
2. Let go of the rope
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In a power struggle, both of you are pulling on the rope in a figurative tug of war. It’s an ego battle between right and wrong. In reality, we live in the gray where things are not so black and white. Release the rope by choosing not to take your partner’s behavior personally.
Your partner’s behavior — their strategies, their triggers, their actions — aren’t about you. They were put in place long before they ever met you and would show up in any relationship.
Instead, do your best to have an open mind and not jump to conclusions. When you’re curious about what’s going on with them you’re less focused on your hurt and anger, plus you’re no longer pulling on the rope changing the dynamic between the two of you.
Letting go of the rope allows you to be curious about your partner, and their strategies, and opens the door to compassion creating an opportunity to repair and reconnect.
3. Take responsibility for your triggers
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Just like your partner, you developed strategies, behaviors, and emotional reactions for dealing with stress long before the two of you ever met. They're not responsible for your triggers.
The hard work of a relationship is taking 100% responsibility for your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions. According to research from 2022, taking responsibility is an important way to be successful.
Without responsibility, there can never be any healing. Keep a boundary by not taking any responsibility for your partner’s thoughts, feelings, or actions — these are all on them.
Imagine you’re each on opposite sides of the highway with a cement barrier down the middle. Keep your side of the street clean and avoid trying to clean up their side of the street. You’re never responsible for your partner’s behavior, you are responsible for your own.
4. Nurture authenticity in your communications
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Instead of focusing on what he said or did, begin by sharing your feelings. Use statements that begin with “I,” and avoid statements that begin with “you.”
Feelings are not opinions about his actions. Identify how you feel using clear and straightforward language and complete the sentence, “I feel…”
Authenticity has a high vibration and communicating authentically is like an invitation asking your partner to meet you there. According to research from The Gottman Institute, being authentic in relationships can lead to long-lasting love.
When you’re both willing to be authentic you can create emotional intimacy and connection. This creates the space for real love and a deep bond with one another.
5. Don't demand agreement
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Conflicts often arise because you’re emotionally disconnected from your partner or yourself. You‘ll never be connected to your partner 24/7 365, no person can give you that. Getting triggered is part of the human experience. The goal is to restore intimacy and connection as soon as possible.
Emotional intimacy doesn’t require agreement. According to research from 2022, emotional intimacy is linked to longer, healthier lives.
Going over the play-by-play of the argument is futile; you’ll never reconnect that way. There’s no need to decide who was right and who was wrong — usually, there’s a misunderstanding, miscommunication, or a mistake.
Needing agreement is an ego desire, and it keeps you in the power struggle between right and wrong. When you’re emotionally connected it’s likely you’ll find the conflict itself is insignificant. When you’re in a committed relationship your partner has earned the benefit of the doubt, and so have you.
6. Don’t keep score
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Once you’ve both taken responsibility, offered apologies, and reconnected let the conflict go. There’s no need to keep score. Harboring anger and resentment will deteriorate the love between you and push you apart.
Instead, clean things up as they arise. Imagine conflicts are like dirty dishes in a sink, you don’t want the dishes to pile up. Instead, clean as you go.
Clean up the little misunderstandings and the minor annoyances before they become something bigger that can blow up like a volcano. Say what you need to say and then move on.
Real love doesn’t have to be hard work, but it does require that you become a master of uncomfortable conversations.
It may feel like a risk to reach out to your partner to reconnect, but it’s a risk worth taking. Conflict can be a doorway to a deeper connection if you approach it with an open, curious, and loving heart.
Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches and founders of Creating Love On Purpose with a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks to love, and the authors of Getting It Right This Time.