Woman Confronts Adoptive Mother After Finding Out Her Birth Mom Asked Them Not To Change Her Name — ‘She Shouldn’t Have Placed Her Kids Up For Adoption’
She feels that her adoptive mother should have obliged her birth mom's request.
@idontdotiktok21 / TikTok Being an adoptee can have its fair share of struggles, so when one woman discovered that her adoptive mother ignored one very major request from her birth mom, she was devastated.
A woman discovers that her biological mother requested her adoptive parents not to change her name.
Diana (known as user @idontdotiktok21 on TikTok) uploaded a video documenting a conversation between her and her adoptive mother about the details of her adoption thirty-six years after being adopted and discovers that her birth mom had made a request to not change the name she was given at birth.
The video began with a teary-eyed Diana confronting her adoptive mother, saying, “She asked that you guys didn’t change my name though,” in reference to the woman who gave birth to her. Her mother responded, “I know, but guess what Diana, she [had] to take everything away because she had a control problem and this is part of your situation.”
Diana’s mother later explained that in their religion, they name children after the people in their family they care about. The mother further stated that if her birth mom did not want her daughter’s name to be changed, she should not have placed her child up for adoption.
Photo: TikTok / @idontdotiktok21
Whether one is the adoptee, the birth parent, or the adoptive parent, it’s safe to say that the adoption process is not an easy one, and certainly not one without sacrifices.
Typically, for the birth parent placing their child up for adoption, feelings of guilt and loss become pertinent, and perhaps this birth mom felt that she could gift her daughter a name if nothing else.
On the other hand, adoptive parents also have a tough decision to make regarding whether or not they want to rename their child. For some, this option could make the child feel disconnected from their roots; however, others feel that a new name can be emblematic of a new life. Additionally, some adoptive parents find that changing their child’s name shows that they are officially part of the family.
As Diana’s mother said, “So in the end, once you place your kids, they’re in someone else’s [hands].”
Many comments expressed empathy with the adoptive mother’s decision to change her daughter’s name.
“Adoptive moms’ opinions and feelings are valid too,” one user pointed out. “She chose to take in someone else's child as her own to love, naming them herself is very common.”
“I see this both ways,” someone else stated. “She wanted you to be her baby and maybe keeping a name she didn’t pick felt like you weren’t hers. Hurt is shared with adoptions.”
Another wrote, “As an adoptee AND mom, I think the woman who gave birth to me gave up her right to make decisions when she put me up for adoption,” to which Diana defensively replied, “Ok that’s you.”
On the other hand, others felt that the woman’s adoptive mother came off as dismissive of her daughter’s feelings. Upon watching the video, one person wrote that the whole ordeal was heartbreaking. “This broke my heart. Your voice & feelings should be heard. This was so dismissive. I’m so sorry.”
“She’s defensive and afraid,” another wrote. “This is not a conversation to have without a therapist. Focus on healing and processing.”
The woman later addressed to her followers that she is not angry with her adoptive mother, just emotional.
In a follow-up video, Diana attempted to clarify a few things about her previous video. “First of all, I’m not mad at my [adoptive] mom for changing my name, or for really anything else."
“The reason that I was so emotional is because I did not know, of my thirty-six years of life, that my birth mom had asked them not to change my name. I literally found that out that day,” she continued.
Diana further stated that her video wasn’t meant to portray her mother negatively during their conversation. In fact, she said she wanted to document moments of her life for a book that she’s currently writing. “... I’m writing a book about my life and the first story is about my adoption,” she said. “So I have to have these conversations.”
In the end, Diana concluded the video on a tender note, stating that no matter what, her adoptive parents will always be the one and only parents she’ll have.
Xiomara Demarchi is a writer based in New York covering human interest topics for YourTango’s news and entertainment team.