Why It Took Me 5 Overly Long And Abusive Years To Divorce A Narcissist
At no point, did the narcissist’s anger subside or retreat.
Oleg Semashko/ Shutterstock My husband and I were arguing. I begged him to work on our marriage.
He was enraged by my confession of misery and loneliness.
I had done the worst thing you can do to a narcissist. I unknowingly uncovered what makes a narcissist the most frightening and dangerous.
I angered my husband.
Which meant I had angered a narcissist.
And anger is what exposes a narcissist.
It’s what drives a narcissist out of hiding. It’s when a narcissist unleashes their fury.
It’s when a narcissist becomes so out of control that their charm evaporates and their cruelty rages. A narcissist can’t help themselves when they believe they have been wronged.
"I don’t know what to tell you," said my husband.
"What do you mean?" I said. "Please we need to go back to counseling."
"You started the war," he said. "And you’re never going to win."
"If you believe there’s winning and losing in love," I said. "You’ve already lost."
I had no idea what is truly brewing below the narcissist’s facade.
I didn't realize I had truly started a war. I thought my husband was simply using a turn of phrase. I thought these were the words of an angry man.
A guy with a long history of no negotiations.
A guy with no ability to compromise.
A guy who was controlling and unrelenting.
I exhausted myself a while longer. I tried everything — I begged, I pleaded, I talked, I overtalked, I got upset, I yelled, and I cried.
My husband did not hear me. He did not care.
I continued going to marriage counseling alone. He refused to return.
I didn't realize a narcissist simmers with anger.
I didn't understand this wouldn't be extinguished.
I believed divorce would be a resolution and not a term for retribution.
It took me five overly long and abusive years to divorce a narcissist.
At no point, did the narcissist’s anger subside or retreat. My husband was frighteningly cold, cruel and abusive.
Worse, the narcissist felt justified.
I deserved it because I started the war.
I told the narcissist I was miserably unhappy and lonely.
I understood I was married to a narcissist.
My husband was diagnosed as lacking empathy and having a narcissistic personality disorder. He was on the severe end of the spectrum.
I knew narcissism was an extreme and disturbing disorder.
I knew this.
Because I was married to a narcissist.
I did not understand divorce.
And I truly did not understand divorcing a narcissist.
I had no idea that marriage to a narcissist was child’s play compared to divorcing a narcissist.
There was no negotiation during the divorce.
The narcissist bullied me as a reminder that he still controlled me. He punished me to make sure I paid the price for leaving him. He hurt our children to hurt me because I had started the war.
A five-year overly long abusive divorcing narcissistic war.
I should have been armed with a plan and an army of support.
Because no one should go into a war unprepared.
But I did.
I tell my story so no one else ever does.
Colleen Sheehy Orme is a national relationship columnist, journalist, and former business columnist. She writes about love, life, relationships, family, parenting, divorce, and narcissism.