Woman Begs Us To Stop Calling Moms 'Superheros' & Start Holding Fathers To A Higher Standard
Let's give moms the support they need.
TikTok A mom took a stand against the well-worn narrative of calling all moms superheroes for going above and beyond in the care of their children.
Abby went on TikTok to analyze the pattern of calling moms superheroes for ensuring that their kids' needs are met. She explained in the caption of her post, “It’s exhausting having to be the one in control and always at the ready to be anticipating everyone’s needs. It’s exhausting not having a partner you can trust enough to not have to leave detailed instructions for breakfast, school, and after.”
“Moms aren’t superheroes,” Abby explained. “We’ve been forced to do everything for everyone because there’s no support or ability to trust anyone else to get the job done safely in our absence. Hold husbands and fathers to higher standards for their involvement instead of expecting everything from moms.”
Abby believes that it’s easier for society to uphold moms as ‘superheroes’ than it is to hold fathers and society accountable.
She posted a response to a TikTok made by a dad whose wife went away for the weekend. The dad showed just how his wife “set [him] up for success” by listing detailed instructions on what each of their three kids eats for breakfast and packing each kid’s backpack and laying out their clothes for the day.
“My wife is down with life,” the dad exclaimed, overjoyed that the parenting labor had already been done for him.
Abby stated that the man’s wife made a follow-up video in which she “came on and explained that her husband is amazing, but she gets severe anxiety and has OCD. Now whether she used the term OCD flippantly or not, I don’t know. But it’s clear that when she leaves for any period of time, it causes her anxiety, much like a lot of moms, who when they leave the house feel like they have to leave dedicated instructions for caring for the children.
Abby believes that many moms have severe anxiety when leaving their partners to parent alone, because they’ve been let down by previous attempts to do so.
She thinks there’s an inherent “lack of trust… because at one point or another, they tried to hand that task off to their partner, and their partner failed so miserably at it that they can no longer trust them to fulfill the needs of their children and their home in their absence.”
She continued, “It’s so much easier for us to just say, ‘Wow, moms are superheroes. Wow, moms remember everything. Wow, moms are down with life, then it is to hold men accountable and hold society accountable for their low expectations of men’s behavior and contributions to the family.”
As a mom, Abby wants society and male partners to be held accountable to the same high standard of parenting that mothers are held to.
Moms continuously shoulder parenting responsibilities, so much so that it takes a concerted effort for them to not be seen as the default parent.
She said, “It’s so much easier to just continue to praise moms while they burn themselves out trying to over fulfill all their family’s needs” than it is to expect more from men, and from a patriarchal society that places an undue burden on moms and women in general.
Abby explained that “anxiety stems from a lack of control. When you won’t be there to control how things are going, but also, you should still be able to let go of control knowing full and well your partner has got this covered. But you can’t do that when you’ve tried that before and you’ve seen the outcome, and it was less than desirable. Moms have anxiety and burnout due to lack of trust.”
Abby declared a call to action for all of society to do better by moms. “Stop telling moms that we’re superheroes. Stop telling moms that we’re down with life. Start taking some of the weight off of them consistently and accurately, so that they no longer have to experience such high anxiety when it comes to leaving a task in their partner’s hands.”
She believes that moms shouldn’t be held to impossibly high standards, and that dads should take more responsibility for parenting equitably. The mental and emotional load of parenting is so often carried on the backs of mothers. Today Parenting conducted an online survey of over 1,200 moms and found that 69% of them reported feeling overwhelmed by parenting duties.
One way to manage burnout is to ask for support when needed, but what happens to the moms who feel like they can’t depend on their partners to care for their children?
As Abby says, “Moms should be able to have time alone and be able to have peace of mind knowing that their kids are well taken care of by their own father; that they don’t have to leave detailed instructions to ensure their safety and wellbeing with their father. That should honestly be a no-brainer.”
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. As a former postpartum doula, she covers parenting issues, pop culture analysis, and all things to do with the entertainment industry.