We've Worked With Couples For 40 Years — Our Top 10 Tips To Build A Dream Marriage
Both partners holds the blueprint for wholeness.
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva In our 40 years working together to help couples achieve their dream relationships, we have learned ten key tips to make a marriage last — and not just last but thrive.
We haven't just educated couples; we've been a couple for 44 years and built multiple programs and businesses together, from developing IMAGO 43 years ago to our latest passion project, Safe Conversations, which aims to teach every individual the transformative dialogue process. We have learned to "talk the talk" and to "walk the walk" — even when it hasn't been easy.
Here are ten tips to build a dream marriage:
1. Hold zero negativity in thought and action
All criticism, even “constructive criticism,” not only fails to get us what we want, but it’s a form of self-abuse since the traits we criticize in our partners are often projections of unpleasant truths about ourselves.
Instead of criticizing, explore why a particular trait in your partner bothers you so much. For example, perhaps his wanting “too much intimacy” is really about your inhibitions. Interested in diving in?
2. Acknowledge and accept your partner's otherness
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We all understand — at least on the surface — that our partner is a separate human being. But deep down, we often see and treat him/her as extensions of ourselves. A study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin suggests practicing seeing and accepting your partner as someone with different perceptions, feelings, and experiences equally valid as your own.
3. Avoid escaping from intimacy
Identify activities you engage in that become an escape from the day-to-day intimacy of the partnership (any activity, thought, or feeling that decreases or avoids emotional or physical involvement with your partner).
Exits can be functional (car-pooling, work, taking care of kids), motivated (watching TV, reading, sports, hobbies), and/or catastrophic (emotional or physical affairs, addictions). All exits, however, deplete the emotional reserves in a partnership.
4. Be responsible with your words
That means using “I” language only. Avoid the word “you” unless you mean something positive. Own your experience by saying how you feel rather than blaming your partner, as supported by the American Psychological Association. For example, “I feel bad when …” rather than “You make me feel bad when …”
5. Give and receive gifts and love unconditionally
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Offer gifts with no strings attached. The unconscious receives only unconditional gifts. It does not accept a “you rub my back, and I’ll rub yours” attitude. Similarly, learn to accept gifts.
Research from The Oxford Handbook of Social Exclusion shows how we often feel unworthy of receiving compliments from our partners and reject them. Instead of saying, “You don’t mean that I’m beautiful/handsome/smart,” say, “Thank you. It means a lot to me you feel that way.”
6. Increase the pleasure you share
Make a list of high-energy activities you would like to do for fun with your partner. Write down as many ideas you are currently doing and did in the early stages of your relationship, and activities you would like to engage in.
They should be activities to create deep laughter and/or involve physical movement and deep breathing. Commit to enjoying a playful activity at least once a week.
7. Practice flooding your partner with positivity
Flood your partner with compliments. Research in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin explains that regularly telling your partner what you love about them. Talk about their physical characteristics (“I love your eyes”), character traits (“You are really intelligent”), behaviors (“I love that you make coffee every morning for me”), and global affirmations (“I am so happy I married you”).
When you have exhausted what you feel, ask them how they would like to be flooded and include those in your daily affirmations of your partner.
8. Learn how to have a safe conversation
The most important and challenging step to becoming a conscious marriage partner is learning to talk so your conversations will be safe rather than negative. Research from the Journal of Individual Psychology explores how Imago Dialogue uses three basic techniques — mirroring, validating, and empathizing — to fortify the connection between partners.
Check to make sure you understand what your partner is saying (mirroring), indicate what your partner says makes sense, even if you don’t agree (validating), and recognize the partner’s feelings when they tell a story or express an opinion (empathizing).
9. Replace your monologues with dialogue
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Practice having “safe conversations” until you are perfect. The dialogue will not only improve the way you communicate with your partner; it will improve the relations with your children and with everyone you come in contact with. Practice dialogue until it becomes a habit and a way of life until you become dialogical.
10. Apply an intentional commitment to your partner
A committed partnership can become someone’s worst nightmare, but through intentionality and commitment, a marriage can also be a spiritual journey. If you married because you chose to marry, you are with the right person — especially if you feel incompatible. See your partner as the person who holds the blueprint for your journey to wholeness.
Harville Hendrix, Ph. D., is a couples therapist with over 40 years of experience as a counselor, educator, clinical trainer, author, and public lecturer and has received many awards for his work with couples. He and his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, co-created Imago Relationship Therapy, a therapy for couples now practiced by over 2,200 certified therapists in 30 countries.