Woman Says Boyfriend's Parents Want Her To Take A 'Test' To See If She's 'Good Enough For Their Son' — She Refused But Wonders If She's Overreacting
Her boyfriend is upset she won't participate, which many people view as being a "red flag."
RODNAE Productions / Pexels, Motortion Films / Shutterstock, apCincy / Getty via CanvaPro After a woman and her boyfriend revealed to his family that they were ready to take the next step in their relationship, she was shocked to learn that they had an odd tradition they wanted her to follow beforehand.
Posting to Reddit's "r/AmItheA--hole" (AITA) subreddit — a forum where users try to figure out if they were wrong or not in an argument that has been bothering them — she wrote that she and her boyfriend have been together for three years.
While she's met his family before, and noted that they are friendly and a nice bunch of people, it still didn't prepare her for learning about the slew of "tests" she would need to complete to marry her boyfriend.
She refused to honor her boyfriend's family's tradition that would prove if she was 'good enough' for him.
In her Reddit post, the woman explained that the bizarre request happened while she and her boyfriend were visiting his family for dinner one weekend.
Before the visit, the two of them had been discussing the next steps in their relationship. Both she and her boyfriend want to move in with each other and have been looking at engagement rings for a possible proposal in their near future.
They decided to tell his parents about their looming decision to marry, which was met with joyous reactions from all of his family members. However, the good mood quickly was quickly spoiled after it was revealed there was a tradition in place.
"His parents and brothers expressed their happiness for us then out of nowhere his youngest [sister-in-law] asked, 'So is she going to take the test?'" she recalled.
Perplexed, the writer of the post cautiously asked the table what she meant by having to "take the test."
Her boyfriend's family gives a 'test' to all women before they marry into the bunch and are quizzed on their 'homemaking' skills.
She explained in her Reddit post that her boyfriend's family has a tradition where the future mother-in-law will administer a round of tests for their future daughter-in-law.
The tests are meant to see if the woman marrying into the family is "good enough" for these mothers' sons. "Apparently, his mother and aunts went through the same test," she revealed.
"The tests include how clean they can keep a home, how well they can cook, their manners, etc. Basically life skills most people learn from childhood."
Naturally, the woman found it all to be quite ridiculous and pointed out that the only person who should determine if she's good enough for her boyfriend is her boyfriend — certainly not his family since they aren't in the relationship.
This family tradition between a mother, her son, and his partner, is just another example of the toxic relationships some mothers can exhibit with their sons. This type of behavior shows that mothers consider their sons personal property, and no matter what, no one will be able to love them as they do.
Sheila Tucker, LAMFT, a licensed associate marriage and family therapist, told Bustle that usually toxic people, including parents, never "respect your boundaries."
"They may compete with you, will likely criticize you, compare you with others, and make unreasonable demands," Tucker explained.
She told her boyfriend's mother that she wasn't interested in looking after a home as a wife.
She also remarked that many of the things she would be "tested" on are things she isn't interested in when becoming a wife, such as being both a stay-at-home wife and a stay-at-home mother.
"His mom and all three of his brothers' wives are [stay-at-home wives] and although I respect their choice, I am not quitting my career and did not under any circumstances make my [boyfriend] think I could compromise on that."
She hates doing any sort of house chores, and would rather invest in cleaning machines, like a Roomba, and hire a slew of cleaning staff than have to clean a house herself. When she told her boyfriend's mom all of that, she was visibly upset, and an entire argument ensued at the dinner table.
While her boyfriend doesn't care if she quits her job to become a stay-at-home wife, he doesn't agree with her decision to refuse the tests. He pointed out that they wouldn't reject her if she failed them.
"He thinks it's a fun tradition that everyone was looking forward to and I should have gone along with it anyways."
Many commenters sided with her refusal to follow through on an outdated set of mandates, pointing out that it seems like a huge "red flag" in their relationship if her boyfriend doesn't see a problem with his mother doing such a thing.
"He’s failing the 'man' test right now, and doesn’t seem like husband material unless he can step up and keep his family in check immediately, and apologize to you for the whole debacle," one user remarked.
It's definitely not an ideal situation to realize that upon marrying your boyfriend, you are also marrying his mother as well.
Nia Tipton is a writer living in Brooklyn. She covers pop culture, social justice issues, and trending topics.