7 Ways To Exorcise Your Ex From Your Heart
If you're tormented by thoughts of your ex, it's time to show your obsession the door.
Dean Drobot / shutterstock Are you spending sleepless nights thinking about your ex?
If you're constantly checking social media to see if their relationship status has changed and annoying your friends because you can’t stop talking about how and why things went wrong, it's probably time to get over the ex that's tormening you — once and for al.
Yes, you need to quit the social media stalking and focus on healing your heart. When a relationship ends, it’s easy to get stuck mulling over why it ended, what you did wrong — tormenting yourself — or how you can get your ex back.
It’s common to feel regret and sadness when your heart feels broken, but when regret turns into a fixation, it can harm your mental health. Ultimately, this can reveal a deeper issue that may be blocking you from having the lasting love you desire and deserve.
The good news is you can heal your heart, and get back on track to creating a healthy, lasting partnership. One where you're equally committed to working things out and making love last.
First, you must come to the realization that you want to move on from your ex and focus on your own healing.
Here are seven sure signs that you're tormented by thoughts of your ex
1. Thoughts about your ex interfere with your life
It’s tough to get over your ex if you can’t focus at work or are having trouble sleeping most nights. While it’s normal to need time to heal after a breakup, it shouldn’t take over your life and get in the way of accomplishing your everyday tasks.
2. You constantly talk about your ex with friends
If your friends start avoiding you or are annoyed with your constant need to talk about the relationship, then maybe it’s time to get over your ex. Your friends can be supportive through a breakup, but you can’t expect them to be your therapist.
3. You believe your ex was your soulmate
A soulmate relationship requires two people to choose each other. You may have felt a special connection with your ex, but this doesn’t make them your beloved. Your soulmate will stick it out with you even when times are hard. You are not destined to be alone because your ex decided to move on.
4. You think your ex is perfect
If you've put your ex on a pedestal and think they can do no wrong, you're in serious trouble. It takes two people for a relationship to work out or to end, so do not take full responsibility for the demise of the relationship. It's a good idea to remind yourself of your ex’s negative qualities, and your efforts to stick through the tough times.
5. You fantasize about what might have been
“If only…” There are infinite ways you can finish this sentence and all of them keep you stuck and not moving on from your ex. There is no hypothetical way that your relationship would have lasted. If the two of you could have worked it out, you would still be together. It’s time to let it go and release the fantasy, you’ll feel better too!
6. You're jealous of your ex's new relationship
Stalking your ex like a private investigator, whether it's online or off, keeps your heartbreak fresh and the wound open. You can’t heal a broken heart by obsessing over their new relationship. Cut yourself off from stalking of all kinds and focus instead on your own recovery.
7. You can't shake a feeling of rejection by ex
You’ve called and texted and your ex hasn’t responded. You’ve liked a post and sent a DM, but you get nothing back. These aren’t real rejections because you’re no longer in a relationship. Stop trying to get your ex to respond to you and focus on healing your heart.
If you recognize yourself in some of these examples, it’s time to take some steps to heal your heart and move on with your life. While it may feel scary to admit that your relationship is truly over, you can take these steps below to ultimately find love that is lasting and fulfilling with someone that will stand by you.
Here are seven steps to help you exorcise your ex for good
1. Acknowledge that you're fixated on your ex
You can’t change a problem unless you recognize that you have a problem. Start by acknowledging that you’ve been thinking too much about your ex. Proclaim that you’re ready to let them go and move on with your life.
Acknowledging your fixation puts you in the driver’s seat to create changes in the way you approach dating, mating, and relating. Taking responsibility will allow you to reclaim your power.
2. Be ruthless with your hope for reconciliation
Hope is the first thing to enter a relationship and the last thing to leave. It is the hope that it could still work out between you that keeps you stuck with breakup grief. Once you’ve acknowledged that you have a problem, kill the hope that the two of you will ever get back together.
As long as you hold onto hope, your heart won’t be free to love again. This may be the hardest step for you to take, but killing the hope will allow you to get over your ex. This may sound harsh, but it is the path to claiming your power and the ability to love again.
3. Take off your rose-colored glasses
You’re wearing rose-colored glasses when you focus on getting your ex back without acknowledging that they were willing to leave you. Take time to journal about your ex and the things that made you feel bad. Remind yourself of the disagreements and their behaviors that drove you crazy.
Knock your ex off the pedestal. Acknowledging the truth of what was will help you to stop fantasizing about what you wish it to be. No person is perfect, and your ex probably has more bad qualities than you are willing to acknowledge right now.
4. Accept responsibility (not all the blame) for your role in the breakup
Part of putting your ex on a pedestal requires you to take full responsibility for the breakup. No breakup is 100 percent one person’s fault. Stop taking full blame for the relationship ending and acknowledge the dance you did together.
It’s important to acknowledge your part in the relationship ending, but you are only responsible for your 50%. Recognize the role your ex played in the breakup. If you want to get over your ex, then keep your side of the street clean, but don’t take responsibility for what’s on your ex’s side.
5. Block your ex on social media
Spying on your ex via social media, you are pouring salt in the wound of the breakup. When you respond to your ex’s text or phone call, you are keeping your heart tied to them. Your heart can’t heal because the wound is still fresh. You need time for your heart to stop aching and allow the wound to heal.
Block your ex on all social media channels. Change their name in your phone to “Do Not Answer.” Request that your ex honor no contact for a minimum of 21 days allowing you both time away from each other to heal.
6. Forgive your ex — but don't forget
Forgiving your ex allows you to move on and frees your heart to love again. Forgetting how your ex hurt you leaves you vulnerable to be hurt by them again. After you’ve taken time to heal your heart it’s time to focus on forgiveness. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made. Forgive your ex for breaking your heart.
However, forgiveness doesn’t mean that you allow someone back into your life as if nothing happened. You don’t want to forget what happened. If for some reason your ex wants to be a part of your life again, you’ll want to know what is going to be different this time. The old dynamic didn’t work. Only a new dynamic could allow the two of you to be friends again.
7. Develop your vision for a great new relationship
Get over your ex and start creating a vision for something better. Instead of fantasizing about what could’ve been, create a vision for your soulmate relationship. A soulmate relationship isn’t some magical thing that just happens by accident. Instead, you are both committed to working through challenges because you’re better together than apart.
Learning from your past relationships allows you to choose a better partner moving forward. In order to do that you’ll need to acknowledge what hasn’t worked and adjust your strategies in your next relationship. This way you keep growing toward your highest and best self on the search for long-lasting love.
Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches who have been featured guest experts on Bravo’s The Millionaire Matchmaker. They're the authors of the free ebook, 7 Steps To Soulmating.