How Two Women Sharing A Baby Daddy Became Best Friends

If anyone would have told either of us three years ago that one day, not only would we speak every day, but we would become actual friends, we both would have responded with something like "Ha! Right, never in one million years." 

To be fair, it’s not often that two women sharing the same baby daddy end up becoming friends. 

I met my child's father just three years after he ended a 13-year relationship with his other children's mother. They never married, but had two children and truly built a life together. 

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He and I met one night in October. I was living in Amsterdam and he was in town from the UK on a guy’s trip.

We had both swiped right on Tinder and while I had sworn to myself I would never meet up with tourists, I was just getting over a nasty case of the shingles and I wanted to get out of the house and have a little adventure. So I made an exception. 

We hit it off right away and we were immediately back and forth visiting each other in our respective countries. We were genuinely happy and things moved very fast. He proposed to me three months later and I got pregnant that night. 

Just at the start of COVID-19, I moved over to the UK to start a life with him and his two other children. I was excited to become a stepmom and to have my baby have two older siblings. This blended family felt natural to me and I was really looking forward to this next chapter of my life.

But there was one person in this blended family I was a bit nervous about: the other mama.

It was intimidating. They had 13 years and two kids together and she knew everything I was still learning. We had met a few times and while we were cordial and always respectful, it was still an uncomfortable situation for both of us for different reasons.

There were moments of drama and I’m sure both of us were complaining about the other to our friends. I felt like our relationship would always be an uphill battle.

Until it wasn't. 

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When my baby was five months old, my relationship with our mutual baby daddy ended quite dramatically for the exact same reasons his previous relationship failed. I was devastated for myself and the three kids involved. I knew the two older kids had already been through so much upheaval and they had witnessed a pretty dramatic moment with their father and me.

My concern for their well-being took full priority and in a moment of feeling desperate and lost, I called her and asked for her help. I knew no one knew the kids as she did and I also knew no one in the world would understand the pain I was feeling like she would.

I was so nervous in the moments leading up to dialing her number. I had no idea how she would respond.

Maybe she would tell me to 'f-off' and handle my own business. What if I was making this situation worse by opening up to her? I was shaking. I finally got the courage and as soon as she answered, I broke down in tears. 

My fears were unwarranted. We talked for about an hour and the next day went for a long walk to discuss how we would manage this situation now, and moving forward, for the kids.

She was also just there for me, woman to woman, and related to my pain. From that moment on we were not only bonded through our children but also in a heartbreak only we would ever understand. 

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It's been about two years since that walk happened and our relationship has only grown stronger, she's truly become one of my closest friends. We talk nearly every day and we’ve been there for each other in so many more changes that have arisen in our lives. And it’s wonderful that I can connect with the kids via her or their dad.

There are no rules or limitations on how we can all communicate and stay connected and I truly believe this bond we’ve created has allowed everyone to feel like one giant, weird and amazing family.

I commend us for coming together to be a united front for the kids and to make them feel loved and safe. They even call me their stepmom even though I never legally took that role and they say it's because I am still such an active person in their lives.

Our relationship with our children's father has also been much stronger and even he admits he feels the positive effects of our unity. 

Having a blended family like this is more common than ever. My parents have been together for over 40 years and the idea of raising my child in a 'broken family' was terrifying to me in the first few months of this breakup.

But as we move forward, I realize that there are more blended than traditional families these days.

And, these kids now just have more people in their lives who love them. It might not be ideal, but it’s working and for that, I can only be grateful.

I’m not naive to think that everyone in our situation or similar should become bosom buddies with the ex. But my message is, it is possible, it can be healthy and if you’re lucky, it can be incredibly rewarding.

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Ashley Osmond is a freelance writer who writes about her history of motherhood and relationships and is a frequent contributor to SheSaid.