I've Been Cheating On My Wife For 10 Years And It's Made Me A Better Husband
If no one gets hurt, and cheating makes me a better husband, what's the harm?
Irene Strong / Pexels As a serial cheater, I live a double life.
By day, I’m a loving husband and father. By night, I’m out there with different women, having the experience of a lifetime.
In fact, I’ve been having affairs for so long now that it’s become second nature, almost normal, to me.
Sometimes, the women I’ve dated and slept with are so stunning, so far out of my league, that I want to scream about it from the rooftops. I want to show their pictures to all my friends and exercise bragging rights.
But the trouble with cheating is that you can’t tell anyone, not a soul. Loose lips sink ships. It’s all about discretion.
This is why, in part, I decided to start a blog about it, anonymously journaling my adventures. It was an outlet for me and getting it out there felt like this incredible rush.
I also began writing about my journey because I wanted to help men like me protect their families from their cheating. I wanted to be able to guide these men in covering their tracks, playing it cool, and ultimately not getting caught.
Cheating destroys lives. I acknowledge this, but my view is that what people don’t know won’t hurt them. And while there are many men out there like me who cheat regularly, it doesn’t mean for a second we don’t love our wives and kids. For many, it is a form of escapism; nothing more, nothing less.
So, where do I start? Well, I’m a 40-year-old man, I’ve been married for just over 10 years, and I have three gorgeous children. Yet, I’ve been cheating on my wife since day one.
For me, it’s been less about the sex with other women and more about the chase, the sense of accomplishment and, above all, the attention. There’s something about attention from other women that is so addictive to me.
I feel no guilt for cheating, and I refuse to apologize for it.
In the early days, I used to prefer flings and one-night stands. I would pretend I was single, and it would keep things simple. However, as the years have gone on, and the mistresses have come and gone, I’ve realized that the best approach with long-term relationships is to always be honest and tell them I'm a family man.
I’m sure we could discuss all the reasons and insecurities that must surround me to be this guy, but for now, let’s focus on what I do: I cheat. A lot. And I’m really, really good at it.
If I’m honest, I hate the word "cheating," as there’s something quite sordid about it. But I don’t feel that what I’m doing is sordid.
You see, I believe that cheating makes me a better version of myself and I justify it to myself as a form of escapism mixed with therapy. I truly believe that it makes me a better husband and father — however, I still know cheating is wrong and I’m not here to glamourize what I do, or to encourage it.
In all honesty, I’m sure a part of me is broken because I feel no guilt for cheating. It’s become such a big part of my life; the juggling act and living on a knife edge is simply thrilling to me.
Photo: Julia / Pexels
Since a young age, I’ve been fascinated by it. I was a teenager when I watched "Goodfellas" for the first time. And while there are a million epic lines that stand out from that film, one in particular stuck in my head: "Saturday night was for wives, but Friday night at the Copa was always for the girlfriends."
I always remember hearing that and being amazed that, in that movie, in that era, in that sub-culture of American Italians, it was just assumed that men had a girlfriend, a goomah. I wanted to be cool like them, too. But without all the crime stuff.
I was the guy at school who was awkward, overweight, unlucky with women, and terrible at communicating. I didn’t even have my first kiss until I was 17.
But since then, I’ve done it all. I’ve had the most amazing one-night stands, exciting flings, and wonderful girlfriends. I’ve done everything from sex on a beach to joining the mile-high club — and everything in between. It’s been quite the ride.
The first time I ever cheated, I was 19 and I found myself in a love triangle where I was seeing a new girl, while also still seeing my ex.
Even then, I was surprised how I felt no guilt at all, and how any negative feelings were suppressed with an overwhelming sense of excitement.
The butterflies in my stomach were dancing like they were on acid, and I would walk around in disbelief that not just one beautiful girl found me attractive, but two. And ever since then, I’ve continued chasing that high without looking back.
But I’m not just good at cheating, I’m also good at hiding it.
And since getting married, having affairs has been a form of therapy. It’s helped me balance out the stress of being a business owner, being the husband to a demanding wife, and being a dad to three young children.
Anyone in my position would tell you that sometimes it can simply be overwhelming; life can be overwhelming. Cheating gives something to look forward to and makes the monotony of life bearable.
It isn’t necessarily easy to pick up women, and if you’re honest with them that you’re married, it makes it even harder to strike a match. As a result of this undeniable fact, I’ve been forced to become the best version of myself.
I knew that if I wanted to land other women, I’d have to up my game. The dad dancing and overeating had to stop.
Cheating has made me the 2.0 version of myself.
For example, I hit the gym regularly, I box, I swim, I cycle, I exercise five days a week — and I give it my all. I learn from fashion influencers online what looks good and what doesn’t, and keep a revolving wardrobe of relevant and fashionable clothes. I read a lot. I meditate, I do pilates, I even did a skydive in Dubai recently.
I look — and feel — better now at 40 than I ever did at 20. I’m more handsome, fitter, more fashionable, and more confident.
And here’s what’s so amazing: knowing my personality, if I was married and had nothing going on on the side, I wouldn’t be doing any of the above.
Photo: Dziana Hasanbekava / Pexels
Life has a habit of taking over, and with a family and a business, sometimes there are just not enough hours in the day. It would be very easy to put on weight, not care about my appearance, and fall into the simple trap of being bored and sitting on the couch watching television.
But knowing that I’m competing, often with single, younger guys, has really made me up my game. Don’t believe me? Go on, ask me anything about face masks and skincare routines and I could tell you everything you need to know. That’s what cheating has done for me.
Having affairs has made me the best version of myself. It has given me confidence that translates into all aspects of my life, be it with the kids or at work. Does this make it right? No, of course, it doesn’t.
Plenty of people do all of the above without having to cheat. Plenty of men out there dress well and exercise, without needing to do the cheating part. What can I say? I’m no angel. But the benefits are undeniable.
Cheating is an art. And yes, maybe one day I will get caught, but it won’t be as a result of me slipping up.
It would most likely be from bad luck — a wrong place, wrong time kind of thing. I cover my tracks far too well; I use a burner phone, I delete my browser history, I keep a spare set of clothes in the car, and so much more. I’m very practiced in this form of tradecraft.
And in 10 years of cheating on my wife, a highly intelligent Oxbridge graduate, she’s never suspected a thing. I’m not just good at cheating, I’m also good at hiding it. Coupled with the buzz I get from having affairs, I doubt I’ll ever stop.
Maybe life as a spy would have suited me better, but I’m not sure I’d be having as much sex.
And I’d be silly to not acknowledge that many reading this will be judging me. I get that. Some of you will be muttering words like "creep" or "disgusting." And that's a perfectly normal reaction to have.
But my question to you is simple: if no one gets hurt, and cheating makes me a better boss, husband, and dad, what’s the harm?
Dark Horse is an editor, infidelity expert and consultant, and owner of Cheaters Handbook. His bylines have appeared on numerous publications, including The Sun and The Metro, where he offers advice for dealing with infidelity and navigating dating.