The Silver Lining That Saves You From Total Annihilation After A Crushing Breakup
Find your streak of hope.
JKstock / shutterstock.com Heartbreak sucks. Especially when the person you loved treated you badly on the way out. You want to move on. You want to know how to let go of someone who hurt you.
But you feel stuck and you’re in pain.
Letting go of someone who hurt you takes time and doesn’t happen overnight. But if you take a conscious approach to let go and moving on from a painful situation, you can heal your heart and create greater love than the one you lost.
The silver lining is knowing you’ll be more resilient from heartbreak.
Your heart feels shattered because someone you love has betrayed your trust. Your head is spinning, constantly asking, “Why? Why would someone you love harm you?” Yet, you still love him and wish things had worked out, you find it hard to let go of the hope.
Healing your heart after someone hurts you requires you to move past the hurt and betrayal, heal your heart, and find a more mindful way from the very beginning to select an ideal life partner.
When you’re hurting you can fear that the pain will never go away.
But you can let go of someone who hurt you, move on, and learn to love as well as trust again.
How to find the silver lining that can save you from the despair during a breakup
1. Kill the hope that things could have been different.
You don’t know how to let go of someone who hurt you because part of you is still attached to that person. At the beginning of the relationship, you had so much hope, and you haven’t yet let go of the hope for the relationship to continue. You know logically that it can’t, but your heart hasn’t released the hope yet.
So, you feel stuck between the hurt you feel and the hope that is slowly being crushed. You trusted this person to take care of your heart, to treat you with respect and kindness, and that trust has been broken. One of the first steps to moving on (and one of the hardest to take) is to kill the hope.
Kill the hope that he will ask for forgiveness and make amends for his actions. Kill the hope that things can or will ever go back to the way they were. Only by killing the hope can you stop spinning about what might have been, free yourself to let go and move on.
2. Let go of the limiting story you're telling yourself.
It is natural for your mind to search for the meaning of a hurtful event and to understand why it happened. Unfortunately, any meaning you assign to this event is not going to help you feel better.
You could be telling yourself that you’ll never love again or lament the fact that you continue to attract men who hurt you. You may even believe that you are somehow cursed, or that you did something wrong to bring this on yourself.
These limiting beliefs only keep you feeling like a victim and do not allow you to embrace your power. You won’t know how to let go of someone who hurt you if you feel like a victim of circumstance.
The truth is the only meaning that is useful is that his actions have revealed to you his true character. The fact that he hurt you shows you what he is capable of and reveals that the two of you are not a match.
Do not carry his shame. This shame belongs to him and his actions are his responsibility, not yours. There is no shame in loving someone.
3. Determine what is your responsibility and what isn’t.
Knowing what is your responsibility and what is his responsibility will allow you to reclaim your power. And there are only three things that you are responsible for: what you think, what you feel, and what you do.
He is responsible for what he thinks, feels, and does.
Whether you are taking too much responsibility for what happened, or whether you are blaming your partner, taking responsibility for your part gives you the power to change.
You can’t know how to let go of someone who hurt you if you can’t take responsibility for your part and release responsibility for his part. When you do this, you can reclaim your power in the situation and take any actions necessary to move forward in your life.
4. Don’t ignore your feelings.
It may seem counter-intuitive because the pain of being hurt by someone you love can be intense, but the only way to release the pain is to go through it to the other side. Rather than going numb or attempting to shove down all those uncomfortable emotions — set aside time to feel all your feelings.
Feelings in and of themselves are not bad. Anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal, and regret are all part of being human.
Ignoring your feelings or trying to minimize them will only prolong your pain. Your mind will play tricks on you and tell you that you will never feel happy again. This is a lie.
The one thing you can count on is that your feelings will change because all of your emotions are temporary.
You won’t feel hurt forever so instead of trying to avoid all those crappy feelings, dig in and allow yourself to feel them. Be angry or sad. Allow yourself to cry and scream. Give yourself permission to spend time feeling sorry for yourself. All of your feelings are appropriate.
Eventually, you’ll find that your feelings will come and go like waves crashing to the shoreline. The hurt will recede, and you will discover moments of relief that grow in time throughout the day, and you’ll feel somewhat normal. Soon these moments will blossom and multiply and you’ll be feeling better more often than not.
If you want to know how to let go of someone who hurt you, take time to feel your feelings and see what is on the other side of your pain.
5. Don’t feed the hurt.
Every time you check his Facebook or look at what he’s doing on his Insta, you are pouring salt into your wounded heart and preventing it from healing. The more you tell the story of what happened and search for why it occurred you are keeping yourself stuck in a never-ending loop.
Cut off all contact with him. Block him on social media so you don’t see him in mutual friends’ posts. Change his name on your phone to “Do Not Answer” and follow this advice. No response is necessary if/when he reaches out to you. You have no obligation to engage.
You won’t know how to let go of someone who hurt you as long as you are feeding the hurt. Put aside your emotional stories about what happened and why. Instead, redirect your focus to self-care and healing your heart.
Attend to your broken heart. Cocoon yourself if necessary. Knowing how to let go of someone who hurt you requires you to focus on your needs and healing.
Time is your best friend through this process.
6. Find the value of forgiveness and lean into it.
Forgiveness may be the furthest thing from your mind right now. You may even wonder if it’s possible to ever forgive someone for betraying your trust.
Forgiveness is important because it sets you free and therefore it is integral for you to move on. You’ll never truly let go of someone who hurt you without it.
As long as you are holding onto anger and resentment, you are tied to him. And the anger and resentment are only harming you.
Ultimately forgiveness is for you because once you feel neutral about these events you’ll be free. Free from him, free to trust yourself, and free to love again.
Standing in forgiveness does not make his actions okay or in any way appropriate.
Nor does it mean that you must allow him back into your life. It doesn’t even require that you ever speak to him again.
Hurt people lash out and hurt people. The fact that he hurt you means he was hurt too — not by you, but he carries a wound that caused him to do what he did.
You may also be judging yourself for allowing this to happen, choosing him to give your heart to, or feeling that you are partially to blame. Forgive yourself for not knowing any better. Forgive yourself for making mistakes, not seeing the problem, or being open and vulnerable with him.
You are a human being and therefore not perfect. Decide now that you will learn and grow from this experience and choose to be more loving and kind to yourself.
How to let go of someone who hurt you? By forgiving him because you understand that his behavior is about him and had nothing to do with you.
7. Grow stronger so you can find your silver lining — the lessons you learned.
Emotional strength and resilience evolve from difficult experiences and overcoming them.
Courage develops when you face issues in your life head-on, without backing down or giving up. The skills for lasting love develop when you learn from experiences, but don’t allow them to close off your heart.
Life will always throw you curve balls and being hurt by someone close to you is one of the greatest challenges you can go through. The internal strength you acquire will give you the endurance to continue moving toward your goal of sharing your life with an ideal mate.
Taking a mindful approach to being hurt by someone close to you can give you the resources and skills to move on with your life and thrive! 16th Century poet George Herbert said, “Living well is the best revenge.”
Living your life well, instead of shrinking in the face of hurt and betrayal can shape you into a brilliant diamond of a person that others look up to and wish to emulate (and perhaps fill your Ex with shame and regret for his actions).
Orna and Matthew Walters are Soulmate Coaches who have been featured guest experts on Bravo’s "The Millionaire Matchmaker." They're the authors of the free ebook, "7 Steps To Soulmating," which can be found on their website.