How To Know If You're 'Single By Choice' — Or Just Afraid Of Falling In Love
What's beneath the surface?
Dean Drobot / Shutterstock You may not have intended to end up here. Some things "just are," right? College, jobs, travel, a major breakup or two — and somehow you look at the calendar and realize you’ve been alone a long time.
You may not even have noticed how quickly the years have passed because you're so comfortable alone. That status quo begs the question: Is this how you want your life to look?
Don’t get me wrong. Flying solo isn’t bad.
For anyone who's married, let alone with children, "me time" is a coveted commodity that needs to be planned and honored.
Even for the living-alone single, life in selfie mode has its advantages.
You get peace and quiet. The toilet seat is where you want it. You get a good night’s sleep. Your schedule is as you want it to be. You can do the activities you want to do when you want to do them. And you have an organized or messy house — it's your choice!
Being "single by choice" can be empowering and totally healthy.
What’s not to love? Your life, your way. No hassles, no arguments. Besides, don’t all the relationship gurus insist that you need to be comfortable alone before you can be healthy together?
Yes, of course.
However, if you’re over 30 and still alone — not simply single, but avoiding or not pursuing a relationship — you may be missing out.
You may have become so comfortable being alone that the perks of togetherness may not even dawn on you.
Consider having these in your life:
- Consistent companionship
- A dinner buddy
- A travel companion
- An activity buddy
- Physical intimacy
- A helpmate
- Dividing up the chores
- Someone to spend the holidays with
- A confidant
- A plus-one for events and special occasions
- Emotional support when you need it
- Someone with whom to grow old
- Planning and creating a family
I’m sure you’ve got additional ideas you could add to the list.
The bottom line is: Being in a relationship requires a conscious choice. And, like any important decision, it shouldn’t be taken lightly.
Relationships challenge us and reflect who we are. Having to accommodate another teaches us humility and adaptability.
Simply put, life changes when you become part of a couple.
Here are a few examples of life changes people might make when they enter a relationship:
- Moving out of state
- Selling their homes to move in with their partners
- Gaining children to love in a blended family
- Becoming parents to their own children
- Enjoying relationships with adult children
- Becoming part of a tight-knit family
- Traveling to exotic places
- Accepting invitations to vacation homes
- Gaining a business partner
- Reconnecting with an old friend
- Elevating their standard of living by combining their incomes and energy
This list goes on, of course. But hopefully, you’re taking a pause to consider what you might be foregoing to remain solo.
Being part of a couple adds a whole new dimension to your life.
It really is the essence of "the whole being greater than the sum of its parts."
Perhaps the pandemic caused you to begin thinking about whether you truly want to be alone. For many singles, the social distancing provided greater clarity about what they truly wanted for their lives.
Some decided they do enjoy being alone.
More than half of U.S. households are single households. So, if the pandemic helped you recognize that you truly are comfortable alone, you have company! (*Pun intended.)
However, many recognized that they really want to be part of a couple.
If you’re currently single and unsatisfied with the status quo, kudos to you for recognizing what you want in life!
If you truly see yourself in a relationship, then it's time to push yourself outside your comfort zone and meet quality people who also desire a committed relationship.
Learn how to proactively search for the right person with support from both the group and me. It's time to challenge yourself to move forward toward the love and partnership you desire.
After all, spending every Saturday night watching Netflix with a bowl of ice cream wasn’t the intended meaning of "Netflix and chill." All things in moderation.
Are you ready to exchange your "comfortable alone" status for learning the skills you need to be successful in your search for love? I truly hope so.
Are you ready to do this?
Amy Schoen is a certified life coach and expert dating and relationships who helps men and women find lasting and fulfilling relationships.