3 Counter-Intuitive Ways To Enjoy Sex More
A sex therapist shares her secrets.
Dmytro Kapitonenko/Shutterstock You want to be more present during sex but you’re constantly riddled with thoughts and worries in bed.
It might even be hard to believe it can change. But it can!
Sex is about you!
When we’re faced with a sexual difficulty, our first thought is to work on the sexual aspect. And this makes sense, right?
If it’s sexual in nature, surely, we should work on the sexual side of things.
But the thing is, sexual problems aren’t always solved through merely changing sexual aspects like practices or techniques.
Sexual problems also require work beyond your sexuality and sex life. They require working with your whole person and life, in general. Why? Because sexuality doesn’t exist in a void — it’s a part of you.
Sex really isn’t just a biological act spurred by hormones — it’s a pleasurable, intimate experience that involves your whole self. Therefore, working with your whole self can have a deep and lasting impact on your sex life.
Here are three counter-intuitive ways to enjoy sex more by being more present in bed.
1. Change how you eat.
While this may sound weird, hear me out for a second!
Eating food, just like having sex, can be a sensual experience. Satisfying flavors, different textures, and pleasant aromas are all a part of the eating experience, if you allow it to.
And because both sex and eating can be sensual experiences, they’re closely linked.
By focusing on how you eat, you can get important clues on how you approach sex.
For example, do you gobble it all down while scrolling on your phone? Perhaps, you eat a lot of your meals while on the go? Or maybe you eat the same thing for dinner every day?
These clues might tell you something about your relationship with sex.
For instance, perhaps you always multitask during sex by planning your week in your head, simultaneously. Maybe you rush through sex each time, not stopping to savor the moment. Or maybe your sex life is always the same — beginning with kissing and ending with vaginal penetration.
Changing how you eat by savoring the moment and focusing on your food, instead of on your phone, can have a trickle-down effect.
The more present you can be with other, potentially sensual experiences (like eating food), the more your brain learns how to be present, in the moment. Therefore, changing how you eat will make it easier for you to be present during sex.
And when you’re more present, sex is likely to be so much more enjoyable
2. Stop scrolling on your phone while doing what you enjoy.
Many of us, myself included, can find ourselves multi-tasking even while doing something we enjoy, like binging T.V. shows.
Five minutes into an exciting plot, you might realize that you're simultaneously scrolling through Instagram.
This means two things: You're finding it difficult to be present in the moment and, as a result, you're not enjoying the show or Instagram as much as you could, had you focused on one at a time.
Multi-tasking during the day, even when doing things you enjoy, is a clue to slow down and focus on one thing at a time.
When you do this, you work on being mindful. With more mindfulness in your day-to-day, it’s easier to be more mindful during sex because the whole point of sex is to enjoy it and be in the moment. When you're not, it’s simply not as satisfying.
Next time you notice yourself scrolling aimlessly through Instagram while chatting to a friend, or engaging with your partner, practice putting your phone down and immersing yourself in the activity.
3. Connect to your breath.
Learning how to be more present in bed is also about how you breathe. Breathwork and breathing exercises are all the rage today and this is simply because they work.
Your breath is indicative of how you're feeling.
For instance, if your breath is shallow and high up in your chest, it usually means you’re stressed, worried, or anxious. When your breath is deep and fills your stomach, it tends to mean you’re relaxed and feel safe.
If you find it difficult to move your breath down to your stomach or you feel stressed most of the time, this is a sign to focus on your breath.
By consciously giving yourself a few moments to focus on your breath and move it down to your stomach, you’re giving yourself a better chance of enjoying sex.
This is because stress and worry are, more often than not, antidotes to sexual desire. What this means is the more worried you are, the less desire and sexual arousal you feel.
And with less desire and arousal, it's harder to stay present because the moment isn’t much fun.
When you learn how to regulate your breath in general in life, you’ll be able to regulate yourself more easily during sex. This means you release worry and anxiety — and increase desire and pleasure.
What you focus on thrives.
There are many ways to become more present during sex but working on your presence in life is crucial because what you focus on thrives.
If you want to know how to have better sex, you have to learn how to be more present in bed and savor the experience — it doesn’t have to be complicated.
By regulating your breath, practicing doing one thing at a time, and focusing on changing how you eat, you’re giving yourself a real chance of actually enjoying sex.
Leigh Norén is a sex therapist and coach with a Master of Science in Sexology. She helps people reduce stress, shame, and anxiety surrounding sex so they can get their sex drive back and enjoy their partner again. If you want to increase your desire, download her free resource The Desire Test.