4 Common Problems ADHD Causes In Relationships
Having a partner with ADHD may cause communication issues, but that doesn't mean your relationship problems can't be addressed.
ismagilov from Getty Images via Canva Pro You have a partner with ADHD and are excited to make plans. You enjoy spending time together and talking for hours. But, sometimes, things irk you in your relationship. You know your partner wants to see you, but you don’t understand why your partner is always running late.
Your partner cares, but you don’t understand why they forget your birthday. You know your partner wants to discuss things that bother you, but you don’t understand why you have so many communication problems with your ADHD partner.
In their book, Driven to Distraction (Revised): Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder, Dr. Edward Hallowell and Dr. John Ratey define ADHD as a "neurological syndrome whose classic defining triad of symptoms include impulsivity, distractibility, and hyperactivity or excess energy."
Usually, partners with ADHD are described as friendly, very busy doing many things at one time, and sometimes appear moody. They may also communicate in ways that cause problems in their relationships without being aware they are doing so.
ADHD Communication Difficulties That Cause Problems in Relationships and How to Deal With Them
1. Hyper-focusing on their partner at the beginning of the relationship.
Partners with ADHD may hyperfocus on their partners. At the beginning of your relationship, hyper-focusing keeps partners engaged and motivated to see each other. You might like your partner's attention and the ability to make you feel special.
As the relationship progresses, since the partner with ADHD has difficulty regulating their attention and is drawn to novel and new experiences, their attention on the relationship might wane.
What to do about:
Be aware that this is a common issue for couples in which one partner has ADHD, and try to understand the shift in attention is not because you are less interesting, but because you are now a comfortable feature of their life.
2. High sensitivity to criticism.
Partners with ADHD are very sensitive to criticism for forgetting things, losing their keys, being late for appointments, and not picking up items at the store. They may blame their partner for many of the issues in the relationships, such as losing a job due to issues of procrastination, not following through or meeting deadlines, not carrying their weight in the relationship, or the relationship not being fair and balanced.
The partner with ADHD frequently holds a lot of shame around their mistakes and challenges in their life and relationship. This problem also leaves them feeling and viewing themselves as defective, less than, or not good enough.
What to do about it:
The partner with ADHD needs to learn ways to accommodate these challenges. As a couples therapist that counsels couples with ADHD, I highly recommend ADHD coaching or therapy to learn coping strategies to improve daily and executive functioning.
The other partner would benefit from learning about the ADHD experience to better understand their partner’s struggles too.
3. Forgetfulness, interruptions, and jumping topic-to-topic during conversations.
When partners with ADHD can’t remember what they were going to say, impulsively interrupt, jump from topic to topic, the other partner can feel frustrated and irritated by these behaviors.
A partner with ADHD may have a tendency to interrupt, impulsively answer, and not wait for their turn to respond. They may have difficulty following the thread of the conversation, especially in a crowded room or with distractions, such as cell phones.
You may notice that their thoughts are expressed in a disorganized fashion. They may jump from one topic to another and you may have difficulty understanding what they are trying to say.
What to do about it:
The partner with ADHD is not trying to disrupt the conversation or cause upset, but they need to learn ways to slow down (which is not an easy task) and listen to their partner.
Before this communication problem occurs again, ask your partner if you can handle this situation by doing the following: one partner will speak (called the speaker) and the other partner is going to listen (called the listener).
The listener will take notes on what the speaker is saying. When the speaker is finished sharing their thoughts, then the listener can summarize what they heard the speaker say. Then you switch roles.
The speaker should share their thoughts for no longer than five minutes (set a timer if you need to) because it may be difficult for the listener to focus for more than five minutes.
You can always switch back and forth a few times. Try to keep your ideas succinct though. Taking notes on what your partner is saying and this time limit can help the listener focus on the conversation.
4. Distraction.
If you are trying to talk and a partner with ADHD keeps looking away or has difficulty following the conversation, sometimes the other partner will feel rejected, abandoned, or unloved by these behaviors.
What to do about it:
You need to put away the cell phones and turn off the television or music or any other distractions.
If you're thinking that you can’t turn off your kids, then if you have children who are interrupting your conversation, you may need to ask them to wait, go into another room, or have the conversation when the kids are not around.
Sometimes sitting close to your partner and having direct eye contact (this is not a staring contest) may help with the distractions too.
ADHD does not have to negatively impact your relationship, but you will need to understand the challenges and issues to be able to address them.
All couples have communication problems, but when you have a partner with ADHD, you need to learn more effective methods of solving your communication problems.
Lisa Rabinowitz, LCPC is a licensed counselor and a Certified Gottman Couples Therapist and PACT Level 3 who works with couples to develop more secure attachment styles for healthy, happy relationships.