I Accepted That You Left, So Why Are You Coming Back Now

By Kristen Buccigrossi

My heart is racing, my mind is reeling; it’s like the rush of waking up from a bad dream.

The moment where you had just slipped from my mind, and then just like that, you are back again in the boldest way possible. It’s a shock to the system to see your name again come across my phone.

After all this time, why are you trying to come back into my life?

It’s almost been a year since we had last spoken. It ended badly; words were beyond repair. I took the time I needed to remove you from my life in every facet that I could, and yet, here you are again leaving your mark.

Enough time has passed to know that I am okay, I don’t need you, but then there is your name with your memories. Taking me back to a time where I didn’t think I could be okay with you.

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So why now?

What’s different this time? Have you finally realized that I was more than what meets the eye? Have you finally seen that I was the girl that was willing to do anything for you?

Have you finally seen the error in your ways? Have you finally seen how terribly you treated me? Are you finally ready to apologize?

What’s changed this time? Has she finally seen the error in her ways? Has she finally come to her senses to see that she can do better?

Has she finally realized that you were using her all along? Has she finally seen that she was never going to be the only one? Has she done to you what you did to me?

So why now?

You were the one that made the choice that I was not good enough. You were the one that made the choice to be with her instead of me.

You were the one that made the choice to leave me to pick up the pieces of wreckage in a thing you called a relationship. You were the one that made the choice to not just walk, but run away.

I didn’t have a say in our future. I didn’t have a say in the way you treated me when it ended.

I didn’t have a say in the way you toyed with my mind and left me as the one to blame. I didn’t have a say in the destructive way you left or the sick way you kept coming back every time.

So why now?

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Seven years of mind games. Seven years of leading me on. Seven years of highs and making me feel like the only one. Seven years of lows and making me feel like I was never going to do better.

And every time you came back, nothing had changed. I was always one left to drown in my own sorrow.

So what is different about this time?

This time, I was the one to walk away. This time, I was the one to delete you from my life. This time, I was the one who was finally able to rise on my own and knows that I didn’t need you.

So why now?

You can’t stand that I have taken you out of my life. You can’t handle that I am okay without you.

You can’t believe that I have truly moved on and want nothing more. You can’t fathom that I have finally learned my lesson when it comes to you. You can’t believe that I have stopped writing about you.

I am sorry that I am not sorry that I have moved.

I am sorry that your heart won’t race and mind won’t reel with seeing my name on your phone anymore. I am sorry that you may always have those feelings for me and may always try to come back, but I won’t let you.

You don’t get the option to come back. You don’t get the option to be a part of my life anymore.

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Kristen Buccigrossi is a writer whose work has been published on Huffington Post, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, Unwritten, and more. Visit her website for more.