How To Break Up With Someone You Live With As Painlessly As Possible
Here's how to break up with someone you live with.
Drazen Zigic / Shutterstock Struggling with how to break up with someone you live with? You are not alone.
While at some point it seemed like a good idea to share a home with your partner, unfortunately not all relationships last forever — even the ones that include cohabitation are subject to failure.
Of course, that makes a breakup even more complicated. A lack of physical and emotional intimacy, an inability to connect, and deterioration of trust are all signs it's time to break it off with your partner.
Easier said than done, of course, depending on your living situation and financial security.
Breakup conversations are the worst — especially when you're under the same roof. Make sure you go into the conversation prepared and have the bandwidth to consider the logistics.
"Joint leases, bank accounts and kids make it complicated," hypnotherapist Keya Murthy explains. "Keep the doors of communication open. Work with a professional to maintain objectivity when communicating with your partner. Both of you also need personal venting spaces. So, work with a healer or therapist so you can live with a lighter heart and continue through this process."
How To Break Up With Someone You Live With
1. Pick an appropriate time.
In the event of a breakup, timing is everything. If you feel that your situation is so dire that you need to plan the move before you tell him, do that.
But it's not a matter of safety, be sure to pick a time where your partner isn't stressed out. For example, it's not a smart idea to do it before or after an important work meeting, or while you or your partner is clocked in.
2. Be kind.
Now is not the time to throw daggers. This is going to be difficult to navigate for both of you, and especially while living together you're going to have to remain cordial.
The best way to break up with a long-term boyfriend or someone you live with is by being compassionate as possible.
"If you are not communicating with compassion, it is going to be tough for both of you. It's important to remember that communication is a two-way street, meaning it is listening more and using the right words to express personal needs," Murthy advises.
"Also, remember those who live in glass houses do not throw stones at others. If you are moving out, both of you have made a decision that is for the highest good of all. Don't say things that might have repercussions that you are not willing or able to handle. Breaking up and living in the same house is difficult."
3. Let them speak their mind.
It's not all about you, after all. Your partner might want to express their emotions on the subject, and that's perfectly normal for them to do. If you set the tone for mean comments, you'll be met with it.
4. Set a time to work through the logistics.
Give your partner a day or two to cool down and process the change to come before fighting over who gets the toaster. You don't want to be hashing it out in regards to the important stuff while one or both of you is still heated.
How To Break Up With Someone You Live With, According to People on Reddit
5. Take your time.
"Save your money in a separate account if y’all currently share an account. Tell her you would like to split so it’s no surprise. Start working on you; if need be, get another job where you’ll make more money.
Sit down and manage your finances, and spend this time putting all of your extra money towards paying off your student loans. Ask parents for help if living with her becomes unbearable, but try to just be cordial until you can figure this out. You will figure it all out just one step at a time." — Mrsparker9619
6. Be adults about it.
"You’re both doing yourselves and each other a disservice by staying in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship just because you don’t want to live alone. So, accept that this relationship is over. Then accept that you’re both adults, and need to handle this like adults.
That means buckling down and finding separate living accommodations that work with your budget. That means spending a weekend going through all your shared stuff, and deciding who will take what. That means figuring out if you’re going to stay friends, go low-contact, or go no-contact once you’re both moved out.
It also means accepting that she is an autonomous adult, and figuring out how to wash/feed herself is her responsibility, not yours." — tonytwostep
7. Be considerate about splitting up belongings.
"What do you use a lot of, or what does she use a lot of? For example, if you are the aspiring chef and she orders in all the time, take the kitchen stuff but obviously leave some basics. If it’s stuff you both will need and she really wants to keep it, let her. You’d be surprised how cheaply you can replace a lot of stuff if you are willing to get used stuff or shop at the dollar store.
I ended up getting all my dishes from a coworker who had gotten them as a gift for her wedding 25 years ago and never opened them! Don’t be afraid to mention your situation to people. Don’t expect anything, but people like to help!" — lambling
8. But be sure to cover your assets.
"When I knew I wanted to break up with my ex-boyfriend, I basically secretly found a place to live (so he wouldn't kick me out or get angry). Once I knew I had a new place lined up, I broke it to him near the end of the month. I gave him the following month's rent and then moved out. Basically, I made sure my ass was covered with a new place to live before breaking it off." — PM_ME_UR_BEST_LEWDS
9. Accept that things might be messy for some time.
"You just have to accept that life will be messy and highly upsetting and sometimes weird for a while. My ex and I had to live together for about four months while we sorted out money and logistics. We were fortunate enough to be emotionally capable of this even though we had a few terrible emotional moments." — TommyPimple
10. Do what is best for you.
"Do what is best for you, even if that means giving things up or starting over. It won't be easy. But it will be very worth it in the end because you will be happier. I had a tough time coming to the realization that our relationship was over as well because we lived together and were 'OK' but just settling because it was easier... You just gotta pull the plug and make it happen!" — sonogirl25
Tips To Move Forward After A Breakup
1. Take care of yourself.
Instead of spending time obsessing over your ex, use your newfound free time to surround yourself with people you love and things you love to do. You are the most important person in your life, and now is the time to act on that.
2. Don't force a friendship with your ex.
A little space never did anyone harm. But you don't need to jump right into a friendship. They're your ex, not your BFF. And if it turns out that you can't be friends after your breakup, then that's okay too.
3. Go no-contact with your ex.
No contact is the best way to go. If you see them on the street, you don't have to ignore them, but don't hit them up when you're feeling lonely, don't check their social media pages, and don't ask mutual friends about them. Let them have their space, just like you have yours.
4. Get your things in order.
It's time to get your life together. Organize your closet or treat yourself to luxurious skincare. Use this as an opportunity to turn some things in your life around.
5. Seek help from a therapist.
When in doubt, trust the experts. Seriously, don't expect your friends alone to guide you through this one. Consider reaching out to a professional, who has the insight and guidance to put you in the right mental state.
Izzy Casey is a writer who covers pop culture, news, and entertainment.