5 Undeniable Signs Your Relationship Is Honestly Truly Over
The relationship has likely already ended.
Motortion Films| Shutterstock Are you wondering when to break up with someone who's making you miserable? Are you unhappy in your relationship but rationalizing reasons why you should stay, wondering if things would be different with someone else? Are you scared that you might be making a mistake if you walk away and worried that you might never be happy again? Deciding to let go of someone you love is a very hard thing to do. Much like the hope that a coma victim will wake up, the hope of resurrecting lost love is hard to let go of.
Here are 5 undeniable signs your relationship is honestly over:
1. You can't talk about things
Relationships are very intense and very personal. A key part of keeping a relationship healthy is communication. When issues arise, they must be addressed head-on, with clearly spoken words and a mutual understanding of what's being said. There must be a give-and-take so that everyone’s needs are met and that both people feel safe and secure in the relationship.
Relationships that end usually involve people who can no longer communicate. They aren’t able to talk about their feelings and they aren’t able to listen to others talk about theirs. They're not able to address issues and so they fester. If you're in a relationship without communication, one where you don’t feel safe sharing how you feel, then it might be time to let go of the relationship and move forward.
2. You're getting mixed messages
Is your person alternating hot and cold? Some days, they seem like their loving self. But, on other days, they're crabby and distant and no fun to be with. Are they in one moment kind and loving, and then another dismissive and condescending? Do they disappear only to reappear with lame excuses? Is the way they're treating you now very different from the way they treated you in the beginning?
People who are "all in" in a relationship don’t give you mixed messages. Of course, no one is perfect and there will be moments of anger and impatience and harsh words. But people in healthy relationships generally treat each other with respect. They are consistent with their feelings and honest about their behaviors. If your person makes you feel constantly off-kilter and anxious, it's a sign that it might be time to let them go.
3. Does history keep repeating itself
Are you and your person stuck in a cycle of good and bad, up and down, highs and lows? Are there days when things feel almost like they used to, and then days when things are so bad that you want to cry? Does your person tell you that they need space and then disappear, only to reappear a few weeks later telling you how much they miss you?
Do you fight over the same subjects over and over? Do you live constantly with the hope that things will change but they never do, no matter how hard either one or both of you try? If you find yourself in these kinds of patterns, where things are never constantly good but rather a roller coaster of emotions that's sucking you dry, then it’s time to break up with someone who makes you feel that way and move on.
4. Are you staying for the wrong reasons?
Be honest. Do you sometimes think that you just can’t let this person go because you believe that if you do, you will never love or be loved again? Does the prospect of going back to online dating or thinking that you might have to attend the Christmas party alone make you feel nothing but dread? Perhaps, you feel like you have so much time invested in this person and you don’t believe in giving up?
Are you staying because you know that your person could change if you just loved them enough? If you're staying for any reason other than the fact that you love them and are happy with who they are right now, then you're staying for the wrong reasons. Know that you will only find the love and happiness you seek by letting of someone who's wrong for you. In this way, you can move forward and find someone who will love you the way you want to be loved.
5. You don’t have a life of your own
Both sides of a relationship mustn't be completely reliant on the other for their happiness. I have a client whose whole life has revolved around her husband. He insists that she wake up with him, make him breakfast, get him off to work, clean the house after he's gone, bring him lunch at work, make dinner for when he comes home, and watch what he wants to watch every night.
She's been forced to turn her back on everyone in her life so that her husband can be happy. She tells herself that she's happy because he's happy but she isn’t. She doesn’t feel good about who she is in the world. She has no self-confidence and no dreams for the future. All she has is her husband and a life that's making her miserable. Make sure that when you're in a relationship, you have a lot of things in your life outside of it. Make sure you have a job or a hobby that you love. Make sure that you have friends you can play with. Make sure that you spend time by yourself so that you're comfortable being alone.
Make sure that you're making choices for how you want to live your life and that you're not being controlled by your partner. If you've lost yourself and your life is out of your control, perhaps it’s time to break up with someone who has made it that way. You don't have to stay in a miserable relationship. You're suspecting deep down that your current relationship will only make you miserable. But, it’s hard to admit this and even harder to let go.
Your mental health and the health of your future love life need to pay close attention to whether this relationship can ever make you happy. I can promise you that holding on to someone whose attentions are inconsistent, in a relationship where toxic patterns are repeated and one in which you have no control will only prevent you from finding the person who can love you the way that you want to be loved! You can do this! I promise.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.