The 3 Most Common Orgasm Problems & How To Resolve Them
Important orgasm and libido advice from a clinical sexologist and therapist.
getty Orgasm problems are common — so common.
In my job as an online sex coach and therapist, one of the most common queries people want help with is their orgasm.
Orgasms are usually seen as the pinnacle of pleasure, which makes difficulties surrounding them emotionally taxing.
People feel abnormal if they can't orgasm or if they orgasm quicker than they'd like to.
But the thing is, there's nothing wrong with you if you find orgasms tricky. And it's totally possible to learn how to slow your orgasm down or how to have one!
Here are 3 of the most common orgasm problems and what you can do about them.
1. You can't have an orgasm at all.
You’ve tried and tried yet nothing seems to bring you over that famous edge and tip you into ecstasy. This can be frustrating and also upsetting.
Orgasms are seen as such an important part of sex and not being able to have one can leave you feeling left out and broken.
There’s nothing wrong with you if you can’t come. In fact, most people who can’t have an orgasm can learn to have one.
You see, orgasms are more like skills than magical events. There are many reasons why they happen and most of these can be worked on.
Sometimes, the solution is as simple as putting on socks — yes, socks!
They not only help the blood vessels in your feet dilate and allow blood to flow more easily to your genitals, but they also increase feelings of safety and security, which can help you have an orgasm.
However, if you’ve been experiencing orgasm problems for a long time, you’ll probably need to work on other areas.
A few ways include troubleshooting technique and area of stimulation, working on presence during sex, and getting yourself really turned on.
Make sure you’re stimulating the most erogenous zone on your body — the clitoris, anus, nipples, ears, and even the brain!
Some people need to hear dirty talk to send them into orgasm. Others need to actively fantasize or stimulate several areas at once.
There's no "right" way of having an orgasm, even if pop-culture will often have you believe that some ways are better than others.
Whatever it is you’re doing, make sure it’s making you very turned on and keeping you in the zone.
When you’re highly stimulated — physically or mentally — and present during sex, your chances of having an orgasm are much larger.
2. You can't have an orgasm with a partner.
For many people, their orgasm problem isn’t so much a generalized one, as a specific one: Namely, not being able to come with a sex partner.
If this sounds like you, there are a few different avenues you’ll want to explore. One of the most important ones is stimulation and technique.
If you’ve been able to orgasm through masturbation, chances are that the technique you’re using or the mode of stimulation is different compared to the one you’re experiencing during partnered sex.
Sometimes, it’s the intensity that’s different. Maybe you’re used to using a sex toy during masturbation, you grind yourself to orgasm, or perhaps the grip you’re using is particularly powerful.
See if you can incorporate this kind of stimulation during partnered sex. This might mean manually stimulating yourself during partnered sex or instructing your sex partner on how to do this for you.
If it isn’t possible, you might want to try switching up stimulation during masturbation and bringing yourself to orgasm in different ways.
Our bodies can become used to one and the same technique, so trying out various other ones is an effective way of getting past this if you feel it’s needed.
Once you can orgasm in multiple ways during solo sex, you might find it’s easier to orgasm in different ways with a partner.
3. You're having an orgasm quicker than you’d like to.
When clients talk to me about orgasm problems, their experiences range from difficulties climaxing to climaxing very easily. If you’re in the latter group, chances are your orgasm comes with a lot of anxiety.
For people of all genders, orgasms often signify that sex is over. Unless you’re one of the lucky ones who can have multiple orgasms, coming during sex usually means your desire and arousal will start to plummet post-orgasm.
Arousal may pick back up after a while, but especially for those with penises, you’re looking at a significant break from sexual activity before you can resume.
Because of this, having an orgasm quickly — or sooner than you’d like the sex to be over — can cause worry.
Feelings of inadequacy about not being able to control your orgasm — or not being able to last as long as other people do in pornography — can be disheartening and hard to deal with.
There are lots of ways of combating these feelings and delaying your orgasm. One of these is to first check the time it’s taking you to orgasm.
In this day and age, some people believe having an orgasm about 10 to 15 minutes into sex is "too soon." However, this is completely normal.
Having an orgasm within a minute or less and feeling like it’s impossible to control when your orgasm can, however, turn into more of an orgasm problem.
If you want to reach orgasm more slowly, try working on delaying your orgasm through masturbation first.
Try and make note of what you’re feeling before you orgasm. This can be tricky when there’s little time for build up, but the build up is there, and noticing when it’s happening will enable you to hinder your orgasm.
To slow your orgasm down, you’ll want to consistently bring yourself right up to the edge of the tipping point, and then slow down stimulation or stop completely.
This way you’re learning to recognize when to hold off, so you can delay your orgasm.
These common orgasm problems are just that — common.
Lots of people experience difficulties with their orgasms. For some, it’s about not coming at all, coming too quickly, or not coming with a partner.
By using these tips, you’ll be one step further away from orgasm problems and one step closer to orgasm ecstasy.
Leigh Norén is a sex therapist and writer with a Master of Science in Sexology. She’s been featured in Women’s Health, Thrive Global, The Good Men Project, Glamour, Elephant Journal, and more. For more advice on orgasm difficulties, visit her website. To learn more about increasing your sexual desire, download her free resource: The Desire Test.