Why You Might Struggle To Let Go Of Love For Someone Who Treats You Badly
Breaking up can be so hard to do — even with someone awful.
getty It’s the most frustrating thing — not being able to let go of love for someone who treats us badly. But, letting go of a toxic ex is needed to move on.
Whenever we're in a relationship that we know isn't working, why do we have such a hard time ending it? Why, if we know that breaking up is the smart thing to do, do we still not do so?
Breaking up with someone — whether we want to or not — is never easy.
We go into relationships with such hope and ending them can seem like the end of a dream — or the end of a nightmare.
So, why can’t we let go of our love for someone who treats us badly? Knowing why it’s so difficult might make it easier for us to let go.
Here are 5 reasons why you may struggle with letting go of a toxic ex.
1. You might lose your social standing.
It may sound weird, but many people are worried about breaking up with someone because of the effect that it will have on their social group.
I actually have two clients who both know that they aren’t right for each other, but they're worried about what will happen to their softball team if they break up.
Will they both continue to be able to play? Will the drinks out afterward be uncomfortable?
I also have a client who is married and considering a divorce. She's worried about who will get the friends if they divorce.
Will they have to take turns hanging out with people? Will it get awkward? Would it make her feel bad if she wasn’t included in something?
It's understandable that people are worried that if they break up with someone, it might impact their social lives. But, unfortunately, basing your decision on your social life is not a good idea.
Yes, beers out after softball or not taking part in a dinner party might not feel good at the moment, but they're just passing feelings — feelings that will change as time goes on.
Furthermore, if you're considering breaking up, you guys probably aren’t too much fun as a couple, so your social group might even be happy if you go your separate ways!
2. You fear being alone.
This might be the number one reason that you can’t break up with someone, even if you know that you should.
I don’t think there's a single client I've worked with who hasn’t been concerned about being alone forever if they break up with their person. I, personally, remember thinking in high school that if my guy broke up with me, I might never love again.
I can tell you with 100 percent certainty that if you break up with someone who isn’t making you happy and you're willing to put yourself out there again, you will find someone else to love you.
You're amazing and your person is out there waiting.
Furthermore, if you can’t break up with someone, then you will be forever doomed to not be in a happy relationship because if you're stuck in this one, you won’t be able to find someone else.
So, if you can’t break up with someone even though you know you should, know that, if you can find the strength to do so, you will find the person of your dreams.
3. You hope for changes in your relationship.
For many people — especially women — we hope and believe that we can fix the things about our partner that make us unhappy.
Perhaps your partner spends too much time with his friends at the expense of time with you. Perhaps he works all the time and does give you much attention.
Perhaps she doesn’t treat her family the way you would like her to. Perhaps you wish she had higher self-esteem.
You believe that, if only you love them enough and don’t give up on them, they will change, correct?
Many people in unhappy relationships can’t break up with their person because they believe that they can fix the other person and they will live "happily ever after."
However, unless you're happy with who your person is right now, then you're doomed to be unhappy if you don’t break up with them.
People can’t be fixed. They can choose to make changes of their own accord but you won’t be able to fix them, no matter how hard you try.
4. You don't want to waste the time you invested.
I can’t tell you how many times I've heard this from clients: "I have put so much time into this person. I don’t want to walk away now."
But, there's really no reason to stay.
Yes, you might have invested a lot of time in this person (I put 20 years into my now-defunct marriage), but don’t spend even one more minute with someone with whom you're unhappy.
Cut bait right now and invest the next few minutes, hours, and days of your life on taking care of yourself and putting your energy out into the world to find the person of your dreams.
Furthermore, I believe that any time we might spend with someone, no matter how it ends, isn’t a waste of time. You learn a lot about yourself and about relationships during your time with someone.
The only reason that time would be wasted is if you walk away without taking what you've learned with you.
So, don’t let sunk time — time that you've already spent — make you stay in a relationship that you know should end.
5. You don’t like to give up.
Another thing I often hear from clients is that they don't want to give up, that they want to continue to fight for a relationship.
What I tell them is that one person can’t fight for a relationship. Unless both people are willing to fight, a broken relationship will not get fixed.
No one likes to give up and admit defeat, but if you're the only one fighting for this relationship, giving up is the best and wisest thing that you can do.
When we can’t let go of love for someone who treats us badly, even if we know we should, we are letting ourselves down.
A lot of time and effort is spent going back and forth on the pluses and minuses, recovering from crying jags, and feeling hopeless about the future.
You're paralyzed because the lack of action is overwhelming.
Basically, your life is put on hold while you try to break up with someone you should break up with.
Knowing and accepting that there are reasons why you can’t break up with someone is the best way to be able to take the steps to do so.
Go through the checklist above. Consider those that apply to you.
If you can work your way through them, you just might find that you have the strength to break up with someone, for the good of both parties.
You can do this! And, if you do, you will give yourself the chance to live happily ever after!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based, certified life and love coach. Let her help you find, and keep, love in this crazy world in which we live. Email her at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and get started!