Why Your Ex Dumped You — Even Though They Say They Still Love You
Relationships can end even when both people still love one another.
Africa Studio | Shutterstock Wondering why your ex says they love you, even though broke up with you?
Well, the truth may surprise you. Getting the answer means you may have a second chance with your ex, even though you don’t know it.
First off, if you’re asking this question, you need to know that you’re not alone. As a breakup coach for over 10 years now, I have clients come to me with this question on a weekly basis.
A loving breakup is, in fact, very common.
If your ex loves you and you love them, then why did they break up with you?
Well, the short answer is that love doesn’t just disappear overnight. So chances are, your ex is going through something similar, as well.
You see, just because they decided to end the relationship, it doesn’t mean that they flipped a switch and suddenly have no feelings for you at all.
Why your ex still loves you
Your ex might be feeling more powerful feelings of love for you than they did when you two were together because, towards the end of your relationship, things were probably not perfect.
Now that the relationship is over, they’re no longer worried about your future together.
Instead of getting caught up trying to fix what’s wrong, they’re just simply missing your presence in their life. And, as you know, absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
This is why your ex may still say "I love you" in certain situations.
It’s more than just a slip of the tongue. They’re actually telling you the truth, as hard as this can be to understand.
So, while some of you may worry that your ex is just telling you what you want to hear and doesn't actually love you at all, rest assured that this is very rarely the case.
When love isn’t the problem.
Right about now, you’re probably asking, “If they still love me, then why aren’t we together?" And that’s the million-dollar question.
They didn’t end the relationship because they fell out of love with you. And this is actually a very good thing, because a loss of love is one of the more difficult problems to overcome.
The real reason that your relationship ended was not a loss of love, but a loss of excitement and attraction.
This might not sound as bad as falling out of love — and it isn’t — but don’t pat yourself on the back just yet. Attraction and excitement are vital to a happy, functional relationship.
How to rebuild attraction on your own.
There are some tactics you can use to rebuild your ex’s attraction for you and present yourself as a more exciting option.
You need to take this opportunity as a wake-up call.
If you want another shot with your ex, you’ll have to make active changes to your life that will rebuild their attraction and make yourself a more exciting prospect.
The "no contact" method.
You need to begin with a period of "No Contact" that lasts at least 30 days. Basically, this is a period where you don’t talk to your ex for at least a month. No texting, emails, or phone calls.
This is going to be especially helpful in your case, because it gives your ex a little time to reflect on the relationship. And as the days turn to weeks, something interesting will happen inside your ex’s mind without you having to do anything at all.
All the negativity that cropped up towards the end of the relationship — the hurt feelings, the unkind words, and the tears — will start to fade away, and your ex will be left with just the positive memories of the relationship.
Scientists have found that humans are hardwired to forget most of our negative memories and just hold onto the good stuff.
This is why, around the 28-day mark of "No Contact," your ex will start to wonder why they decided to break up with you in the first place. And that’s when you can begin the process of reattraction.
But this only works if you maintain "No Contact."
If you stay in regular contact, you’ll just prolong the negativity associated with the breakup and confirm their decision that this relationship wasn’t meant to be.
Improve your life and outlook.
It also matters what you do during the "No Contact" period. It’s not enough to just wait for time to pass. You need to take action.
When you finally do reach out to your ex after "No Contact" and start to work your way back into their life, you want to have transformed your outlook on life and made yourself more valuable than you were before.
This is crucial to show your ex that not only can you be more attractive than they ever thought, but you can also be exciting to be around.
If you can pull it off, their reasons for breaking up with you in the first place will go up in smoke.
Brad Browning is a relationship coach and expert from Vancouver, Canada with over 10 years of experience working with couples to repair and improve relationships.