Why I'll Only Date Someone Who's In Therapy
We're all mad here.
Gorodenkoff / Shutterstock I’m probably not alone in this: I used to think that two people who are both in therapy wouldn’t make a good couple because both people would be too unstable to create a healthy relationship.
However, I am currently dating someone who also goes to therapy, and it’s the healthiest relationship I have ever had.
I have been in therapy for about a year and a half now, and it has helped me greatly. I am more comfortable with myself and my flaws.
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I knew that my personal growth would help my relationships with other people, but I had thought that someone who needed the same help that I did would trigger me or clash with me.
When I met my current significant other, I didn’t know that he was in therapy, of course, and as we grew closer and felt more comfortable with each other, we learned that we are both in therapy. I was concerned at first, but I was already attached so I continued with the relationship with caution.
As problems arose for us was when I realized how good it was that we both see a therapist because we handled our issues with maturity, understanding, and clarity.
I’ve now switched camps and think that not only is it not detrimental for two people in therapy to date, but it’s also actually advantageous.
Improving yourself improves your relationships
Before I started therapy, I was erratic and angry at the world. It’s impossible to let someone in intimately when your guard is up so high.
After being in therapy I became much more at peace with myself, with those around me, and with my situation. Accepting yourself then makes you more willing to open up to others because there is less fear of rejection.
Therapy makes you more self-assured and okay with being by yourself rather than using relationships to feel whole.
People in therapy have better communication skills
My underlying issues made it very difficult for me to communicate my needs. I would bottle things up, dooming them to explode later. I used to think that conflict meant that my significant other was unhappy, so I’d avoid it altogether or I’d be too direct making them feel attacked.
Therapy teaches how to better communicate with others so that you can make your needs and feelings clear without antagonizing the other person.
Now, when my partner and I get into a tiff we can address it directly and resolve it. These conflicts now bring us closer together as we get to know our deeper, more hidden sides of each other.
Therapists act as indirect mediators
While couples therapy can be a great tool for some people, I also find that each of us independently going to therapy can create a similar effect.
Therapists accept what we say without judgment and challenge us to see other perspectives. They may reframe how your partner may be feeling or how you’re viewing a particular conflict in a way that makes sense in the context of your whole backstory.
Sometimes during our make-ups, my boyfriend and I will say something starting with “When I told my therapist about this…”
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People in therapy are better at managing their problems
Having space away from your partner where you can work through your past and your present is a healthy way of getting all of your thoughts and emotions out without risking harm to the other person’s feelings. The therapist will listen and then help you figure out how to communicate your uninhibited thoughts in a healthy and non-harmful way.
Sometimes the best way to deal with a conflict is by taking space and time, first resolving it with yourself, and then resolving it with the other person.
People who need medication are more stable when medicated
Some people who have a mental illness due to chemical imbalances need to be medicated. When they are not on any medication, their mental illness can easily get the better of them. But when they are medicated, those people are in a much better headspace to deal with life and the people in their lives.
People will not get the medication they need unless they seek help first. Even if they only see a therapist — who’s not licensed to prescribe medicine — the therapist can refer a patient to a psychiatrist who can provide them with the additional support that they need.
All in all, therapy makes you more level-headed and equipped to deal with life’s challenges. Two people in therapy are not two sick people, but two people intent on growing separately and together.
Colleen Fogarty is a writer who covers self-care, astrology, and relationship topics.