5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Getting Back Together With The Ex You Broke Up With During Quarantine
Many of us are doing it — but should we?
getty Since the lockdown has been eased and it's time to get out into the world again — somewhat — are you wondering if getting back with an ex you broke up with during quarantine a good idea?
The instinct is totally natural. We all want to be paired up, and getting together with someone we already know can seem easier — and more appealing — than finding someone new.
And that I totally get. You loved your ex once so why not again?
That being said, getting back together with your ex is something that should be carefully considered before the trigger is pulled.
There's a reason your ex is in your past.
Before you decide if you should get back with an ex, here are 5 questions to ask yourself.
1. Are you lonely?
Lately, spending time with friends has been limited, social events are out of the question, and even going to the movies alone and sharing it with strangers is no longer an option.
Human beings are social creatures. To have the social part of our lives ripped away from us can be devastating.
Is your loneliness the reason you're wondering if you should get back together with your ex?
Are you thinking that it's way better to have someone next to you to binge-watch old episodes of Parks and Rec, instead of watching via FaceTime with your friends?
Would you do anything to not wake up every morning and go to bed every night alone?
Would you be happy to fill that empty space next to you on the couch with just about anybody right now? Is your ex the first person who comes to mind?
Are these the best reasons to get back together with someone? Think about it.
2. Are you bored?
Admit it, you're bored! We're all bored!
The things that we do to keep ourselves busy every day — going to the movies, the gym, out for a drink, and even work — are things that no longer exist for many of us.
We spent the past six months doing puzzles, learning how to make bread, working out in front of the TV, and playing Zoom trivia with our families — and we're sick of it!
As a matter of fact, some of my clients are so bored that they are picking fights with their partners, just so they can have some drama and excitement in their life.
Would you like some drama in your life? Does the idea of being back together with an ex you were struggling with appeal just so you can feel alive again?
Does anything feel better than the day in, day out boredom you are suffering through?
Ask yourself if you are bored and seeking drama. Is that the reason you're considering if you should get back together with your ex?
Are you confident that being with them will give you what you need as distract you from reality, or are they just a warm body with whom to fill your time?
3. Are you scared?
I have a client who believes that with the cold weather on its way and school beginning, the cases will ramp up and everything will shut down for a second time.
And she's petrified that if that happens, she'll have to ride it out alone again.
As a result, she's actively pursuing finding someone to be in a relationship with. She's online dating and putting the word out through her friends that she's available and eager.
Unfortunately, she's also considering getting back together with her ex, who is seriously not good for her.
Are you scared of what will happen in the next few months or years? Are you tired of being strong for everyone else and want someone to lean on?
Are you worried that if you aren’t with someone, you'll ultimately be with no one?
4. Are you sick of online dating?
Because of the initial shutdown, all dating was limited to online. People were bored and lonely and scared, and having contact with anyone online was better than nothing.
Sometimes, those Zoom phone calls led to an in-person date, and sometimes they didn’t. And when they did, social distancing was important. What is the fun in that?
Even before the pandemic, many of my clients were considering whether or not to break up with someone, but they didn’t want to start online dating again.
Dating is frustrating and takes a lot of effort. Sometimes, you feel like you are looking for a needle in a haystack.
And so, instead of moving on like they know they should, people stay in a relationship, hoping that it will all work out.
Are you sick and tired of Zoom online dating? Is the need to spend time, in person, with a known entity driving your thoughts about your ex?
Does the idea of giving up the prospect of ever meeting someone else because you are back with your ex feel good?
These are all questions that need to examined before you make any big moves.
5. Are you rewriting history?
This is the most important question to ask yourself if you are thinking about whether you should get back together with your ex — the most important question.
When we break up with someone, we often forget all of the reasons we broke up with them.
As time goes on, we remember the good times, the way we felt at the beginning, the fun things we did together, the sex and the affection, and our hopes for a future.
What we don’t remember are the bad things that led to the breakup.
My client who's considering getting back together with her ex because she's scared is considering getting back together with an alcoholic narcissist who abused her emotionally for nine years.
We spent the past six months helping her move past him. She's been dating with only a modicum success, and is worried about what's next for her.
So, what is she doing? Rewriting history.
Every time we talk about him, I have to remind her of the horrible things that he has done to her because she completely forgot them.
Instead, she wants to believe that he has changed and that things will be different this time. She believes that life with him could be what she always wanted it to be.
So, as you consider whether or not to get back together with your ex, ask yourself if you're rewriting history.
Why did you break up with this person? If a friend was struggling with the same question, what would you say to them?
Do you know that the issues you had haven’t been fixed and that they were getting worse when you broke up?
Don’t kid yourself.
If you're doing this because you have some fantasy that your relationship will work out this time — even if the pandemic has changed nothing — you're setting yourself up for disappointment and loneliness.
And this time, it may be worse because you know that you willingly went back for more.
In these crazy, scary times, many of us are considering getting back together with an ex we broke up with during quarantine.
We're all lonely and bored, worried about what the future holds, sick to death of trying to meet new people, and completely out of touch with why we broke up with this person in the first place.
Of course, the answers to the questions above might be that you aren’t bored, lonely, scared, or sick of online dating.
It could be that you and your person broke up purely because of the social distancing, that you still like each other and see the possibility of a life together. And if those things are true — go for it!
But if you're considering getting back together with your ex for any reason other than the fact that you see a future with them, don’t. Move on. Let the past be in the past.
Happiness will find you. Just be patient!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC based certified life and love coach. Let her help you find, and keep, love in this crazy world in which we live. Email her at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and get started!