Want To Feel Better In Bed? 5 Ways To Improve Your Sexual Confidence
Sexual confidence is so important!
getty Sexual confidence has more to do with releasing shame than any sexual posture, position, or technique you can master. Building sexual confidence is about being you. The real you. The authentic you. Not the bombshell, sexy, beautiful you that society defines as a sexy and alluring woman.
I'd like to share with you what I feel sexual confidence is and how to cultivate it. I’ll offer you these “techniques” to cultivate sexual confidence in your life.
Believe me, most people struggle with sexual issues. So investing in your sexual confidence is really a healing journey of inner awareness and releasing shame.
Sexual attraction is completely different from sexual confidence.
The sexiest woman (as defined by society) may be very attractive and arouse other’s attention, but that doesn’t automatically mean she’s sexually confident.
She may be completely insecure about her sexuality and disconnected from her body — not because she thinks she is unattractive, but rather because her focus is on how she looks instead of how she feels. This is something many women get caught up in.
Or others have defined her from her outer beauty and she has identified with that more and has built her sense of self-esteem around it.
The problem is outer beauty has a short shelf life.
It fades over time. It’s not sustainable. On the other hand, sexual confidence can grow stronger over time as a woman sheds preconceived notions of what sex, her sexuality, and having sex is all about.
If a woman nurtures her sexuality and sensuality as she ages, she'll have more sexual confidence.
It's partly due to the fact that sexuality is first and foremost a function from within. You have your sexual anatomy, your sexual response system, and the physical, spiritual, and emotional sensations that go along with that.
As you mature, so does your sexuality.
That is, if you care for and nurture it. The saying, "if you don’t use it, you lose it" is true. If you refuse to acknowledge it, you’ll miss the opportunity to enjoy the fruits of your labor and experience sexual confidence.
Sexuality is an energy — it’s your energy. It just needs space for expression. Create that space and your sexual confidence will follow.
Here are 5 ways to improve your sexual confidence.
1. Make sexuality and pleasure important.
Women have made a lot of money catering to men’s sexuality. You’ve heard it said, "prostitution is the oldest profession."
Women frequently put having their security needs met over having their sexual needs met by:
- Marrying a man for money
- Not loving him, but knowing he’ll be a good father
- Being treated to dinner
- Taken on luxurious trips
- Having a place to live
Stop trading your sexuality for material gain. Start making your sexuality and experiencing pleasure important parts of your life.
2. Define your sexuality.
Do you know what your sexual needs are? Or do you think of sex as something you need to do if you want to be in a relationship?
It surprises me when young, intelligent women share that they feel sex is something they do to please their guy — and not something for them to enjoy.
A common thing women of all ages believe is how they think of sex as a "duty." You need to think of that area of your body as a place for pleasure instead of a place of duty for your man’s needs. That’s an outdated way of thinking. And besides, your Yoni doesn’t like that — and she’ll rebel.
Ask yourself these questions to get to know your sexuality:
- What are your sexual needs?
- How do you like to be touched?
- What turns you on?
I encourage all women to take time to explore their sexuality separate from being sexual or having sex. This is a powerful way to increase your sexual confidence by creating a sexual relationship with you as opposed to through another person.
3. Create a loving relationship with your body.
This is paramount to creating sexual confidence. If you have a hard time connecting to your body or suffer from body-image issues, then you’ll have a hard time connecting to your sexuality beyond connecting to it to “scratch an itch.”
And the truth is that many people, especially women, are disconnected from their bodies and don’t have a positive body image.
A Psychology Today body-image survey showed that 56 percent of women said they're dissatisfied with their overall appearance. Their self-disparagement is specifically directed toward their abdomens (71 percent), body weight (66 percent), hips (60 percent), and muscle tone (58 percent).
These are sad statistics. But the perfect antidote to body-image issues is getting connected to your body and feeling pleasure in it.
4. Learn about sex.
Don’t leave it to the standard sex education you received in school as a kid. There is so much more to learn, but our culture creates a lot of shame around openly talking about sex. So, we don’t talk freely about your sexual experiences.
You learn a lot from each other when you can share sexual experiences in a safe and accepting way. Sex is a fascinating subject! You won’t feel alone with the sexual challenges you've faced if you can talk to other people with those same issues.
Also take time to read books, have discussion groups, and learn about your anatomy. Sex is a vast subject. Your sexuality is as unique as your fingerprint.
We are in the dark ages when it comes to sexuality. There are many books, workshops, and online courses that will give you a broader view than you’ve gotten from the education you may have received in middle school.
5. Get to know yourself "down there."
Not only should you learn more about your female anatomy through reading books, but you should do some “lab” time too. Get to know your female anatomy in real-time “down there.”
Have you ever had an orgasm and watched the process in the mirror? Or have you ever just taken a mirror and explored your vulva?
These are important things for a woman to do. It’s an important rite of passage for a woman. Get connected to the bottom of your body outside of being sexual with another person.
You can only share with another as much as you know of yourself. Take time to see what’s down there. Don’t let your Yoni be such a mystery to you. Many women still think that their clitoris is just a “button.” It’s so much more.
Another big block many women have is thinking there's something wrong with their genitals. A surprising amount of women have plastic surgery to give their genitals a "facelift."
The reason being is because they think their lips are too big and they don’t look like the genitals they see in the doctor’s office or in pornography. And sadly, pornography has become a form of sex ed for people. Please know that pornography is no substitute for sex education.
If you think your genitals aren’t pretty or normal enough, I want you to know that no two vulvas are alike. Your vulva is as unique as your face. Your genitals are perfect as is. You don’t need a “vulva tuck.”
Betty Dodson, a sex educator and artist, recently did an exhibition to show how different female genitals look. Her contribution includes powerful illustrations to show women just how unique each woman’s vulva is.
Learn to accept your female anatomy just the way it is and your sexual confidence will soar!
So remember, if you want to have more confidence in the bedroom, make sex and pleasure an important part of your life, and stop having sex just to accommodate your partner or out of a sense of duty.
Create a deeper, more loving relationship with your body, learn about sex through courses, workshops, and books, and last but not least… get to know your female anatomy and feel comfortable with it.
Anna-Thea is an author and Divine Feminine educator. She has online education to teach women how to reclaim their bodies as sacred. Her online courses provide you with the sex-ed you didn’t learn from your mother and the emotional and communication skills you didn’t learn from your family of origin.