10 Tools To Get Closer Using Conflict — And Find Out If Your Partner Is Your Soulmate
Many of us fail to realize that we are asking for perfect love from imperfect people.
Relevante Design/unsplash While dating and looking for love, everyone wants to meet their soulmate. Their true love. "The One."
In fact, many of us spend years obsessing about meeting our soulmate and living happily ever after. Still, we fail to realize that we are asking for perfect love from imperfect people, such as ourselves.
We fail to realize that even couples in healthy relationships have conflict, and it's up to us to fix what's broken and grow deeper into intimacy.
A simple idea about a soulmate is that once we meet them, our life will be more fulfilled.
However, the magnetic attraction we feel when we meet our soulmate can also indicate that we are about to enter into a relationship that will turn our world upside-down.
This is because a soulmate is someone who, in meeting them, forces our consciousness to evolve, which inspires personal growth.
We transform from the conflict involved in a soulmate relationship.
If the conflict becomes too extreme and neither of the partners change, then that partner was not our soulmate and we need to leave an unhealthy situation.
However, if the soulmate keeps inspiring personal growth, this is when they can turn from the concept of "the idealized soulmate" into "real-life partners."
A new kind of intimacy has emerged, one that can promote self-discovery, self-esteem, and personal growth like never before.
The paradox of love is that once we have moved beyond the infatuation stage, our most intimate relationships are also our most challenging experiences.
People often hold the notion that true love should be free of friction, ruptures, or conflict.
This is an unrealistic and unattainable ideal because the closer we become with our intimate partners, the more our own personal issues and core wounds begin to surface.
Our unconscious relational patterns of blaming the other, being dramatic, threatening, or withdrawing from your partner are behaviors that we all enlist to secure the resource of love.
The resulting relational conflicts can be disconcerting if viewed as a sign that the relationship is falling apart. Yet, such struggles often signify that it is time to dig in and do the work of real love.
If this sounds like uncharted territory, do not despair! There is a map for navigating the path of "real-life partnerships" while you're dating.
Here are 10 tools to get closer using conflict as an indicator of whether your partner is truly your soulmate.
1. Safety first.
You and your partner must feel safe before you can be vulnerable enough to share your fears, dreams, and life visions.
This happens by creating a "couple bubble" where you and your partner are each other's first thought, first phone call, and priority.
2. State your needs and feelings clearly.
Be willing to accommodate your partner's needs.
In knowing your partner's needs and meeting them, you are loving a person the way they need to be loved, and this fosters trust.
3. Commitment is king.
Show signs of commitment by being willing to be influenced by your partner and by being open, adaptive, and flexible.
Staying rigid in your old, defensive patterns and behaviors keeps your relationship stuck in cement.
4. Share fondness, admiration, and respect for each other.
This builds an abundant bank account of positive interactions. This love money in the bank is a cushion for the inevitable ruptures in your relationship.
According to psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman, it takes five positive interactions to make up for one negative one.
5. Accept that your experience of love with your partner will be messy and imperfect.
However, it is in working through the messiness of relationships that love can grow and deepen.
6. Be an expert on how you and your partner are wired for love.
You can do this through therapy, reading, or reflection. Be mindful and empathic about your partner's inner world of thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
The experience of feeling felt by another fosters faith in love.
7. Be yourself.
Understand that in order to be a couple, you must also maintain your own identity and a healthy separateness.
With this understanding, intimacy can support both you and your partner in reaching your unique potential.
8. Learn how to fight productively and manage conflict
Know Dr. John Gottman's "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" that sabotage a relationship:
- Contempt
- Criticism
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
9. Make the time to accomplish goals together.
Have at least one shared activity to encourage bonding.
Bonding is a continual process of renewal and growth.
10. Explore and have fun with sex.
Sex is an integral part of love relationships.
When you feel safe with your partner, you can experiment and keep the passion burning.
Nadine Macaluso is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a mindful communicator, and master connector. For more information, visit her website.