The Art Of Forgiveness: 6 Simple Ways To Release Bitterness So You Feel Better
Holding onto resentment only weighs you down.
Alexandra Lande | Shutterstock Forgiveness is one of the biggest challenges we face in our lives. More often than not, forgiving others is hard because we see their actions as a direct reflection of what is lacking in us. We start to wonder if we did something to deserve such behavior.
When you stop trying to control everyone around you and start taking responsibility for yourself, you see yourself as a shield against anyone’s behavior, because you know it doesn’t define you, and you learn the power of forgiving others. This is a pivotal realization to gain a sense of power that no one could steal from you.
Here are six simple ways to forgive so you can release bitterness and feel better:
1. Recognize you are responsible for your behavior
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Give up the need to control other people. You are responsible for yourself and yourself only. A study of perceived past, present, and future control and adjustment to stressful life events showed how control of the present lowers stress levels, but only for self-control, not external.
This will help you to let go of your anxiety and the potential worry about who is doing what to you. You don’t control others, period.
2. Understand that everyone has wounds
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This is vital. Every single person has an ego. No matter how self-aware or spiritually "awake" they are. Those egos are susceptible to depletion, which a study from The American Psychological Association showed as a source of conflict.
The ego drives how we act, why we might not open up, and, quite frankly, the ego represents the "damage" we all have undergone. The more you process your trauma, the less you relate to your ego. The less you react. The easier it is to forgive.
3. Remember that someone else’s actions will probably trigger your own wounds
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This goes hand-in-hand with identifying with your ego. People’s actions typically trigger us and our own deep wounds and insecurities. And that, in turn, makes us lash out. It makes sense. It’s almost justified in some strange way.
For example, I didn’t receive as much love as I would have liked during my childhood. Therefore, I tend to react when people withhold their attention and affection from me. Simply understanding that link has made me better equipped for life.
4. Have guidelines on how not to behave and treat people
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Someone’s bad behavior can help decide what kind of person you don’t want to be. It also shows you how not to act towards others.
Make sure to remember there is an explanation for everyone’s choices and behaviors, whether it’s conscious or unconscious, according to a study of the cognitive unconscious in everyday life. You may never know why, but (again) it is not your job to do so. Send healing to them.
5. Remember: The way they act is about them, not you
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The way someone acts is a direct reflection of who they are, not who you are. Whatever they choose to do is a representation of how they feel about themselves.
That ex who cheated on you? They probably feel inadequate, unworthy, and dissatisfied with themselves. That self-involved friend? They probably aren’t self-aware enough to recognize their egoism.
However, it’s important to note this is not an excuse for anyone else’s behavior. Regardless, once you have a grip on the fact that everyone around you is making decisions to protect their own ego, life gets easier. Just trust. Everything is happening for you, not to you.
6. Lastly, forgiving others does not mean reconciliation
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It’s okay to be angry and use another person’s behavior as a lesson. Again, it doesn’t equate to letting them walk all over you.
It does, however, mean you should set up better boundaries for yourself, choose more like-minded people, or end relationships. Forgiveness means moving on, but with grace, empathy, and love.
Research on women who have left abusive relationships indicated "forgiveness is an unintended process that comprises the alleviation of a grudge held against former partners and a reframed understanding of them. It does not involve reconciliation. Moreover, the establishment of clear boundaries is a precondition for forgiveness."
Using these principles doesn’t make you a doormat. Instead, it makes you a wise, introspective person who takes responsibility for their actions. It shows the world you don’t need to put others down, no matter the circumstances. (Yes, even when they have wronged you!)
It shows you love yourself enough not to poison your own mind with hatred and resentment. Quite frankly, who wouldn’t want to be known as an unbreakable, resilient, and mature adult? I know I would.
Rachel Zsarnay is a writer who focuses on self-care, self-love, and relationships.
