7 Tiny Signs Your Own Home May Be Destroying Your Intimacy
Clutter can cloud connections.
Timur Weber | Canva, Eleonora | Unsplash As if marriage and relationships weren't hard enough on their own, it turns out part of what can destroy your intimacy as a couple isn't just the regular day-to-day emotional issues but also whether or not you have a clean or messy house. When it comes to connecting with your spouse in a healthy relationship, cleanliness is a crucial part of feeling calm, safe, and loved. People who live with their partner frequently argue about their home's messiness. Of the couples living together where one partner is clean and the other messy, a decrease in satisfaction with the relationship can occur.
Being messy has its problems, of course. You can lose track of valuable items. It can be challenging to find things. It can also create clutter in your mind, making it difficult to focus and get things done, which may ultimately impact your relationship.
Here are 7 tiny signs your own home is destroying your intimacy:
1. Cleaning has become a dreaded task
It's easy to get caught up in life and sometimes, you stop making time for your partner or cleaning. All those little nuances add up. Make cleaning the house exciting. Physically rub up against your partner in the kitchen while they're doing dishes. Touch your partner's arm or back while you're dusting together. Stop and kiss your partner in between putting the dishes away. This will not only help create closeness in the relationship, but it'll make your chores seem less tedious and more fun!
2. Intimacy is no longer a priority
Unfortunately, this is a common intimacy issue. "I'm too tired," or "I don't have time," are common excuses. If your home's cleanliness or clutter is causing intimacy to wane, then it's time to set aside something special. No one wants to have to clear off the bed before they can climb in!
Schedule physical intimacy with one another — it can still be fun and spontaneous, and it will give you the time to get your bedroom in order. Make sure your room is clean and tidy. You can add some romantic elements like candles or flowers. Make your space for intimate physical time as uncluttered and carefree as possible to promote that same energy in your relationship.
3. You're not scheduling quality time together
This means scheduling time together to have fun. This may have come easy at the beginning of the relationship, but after a while, work, a house, and children can take priority. Again, make sure you're somewhere without clutter or distraction when you're giving your attention to one another. Start to make your relationship a priority again. Set aside time to "declutter" and reconnect with your spouse to make sure you're both mentally present in a healthy way.
4. You don't carve out time for yourself
This is also known as self-care. Organize a time and place where the mess of your day, be it work, your home, your kids, or your relationships, is left at the door. Take a bath, watch a funny video, or spend time with friends. Remember, self-care is something you practice daily. It's taking care of your mind, body, and spirit. You don't want to live in a messy house — so why would you settle for a messy mind?
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5. Hearts and minds are closed
Ask questions and listen. This helps create a loving and supportive environment. Talk about the little things that happened during your day. Take a genuine interest in what your partner has to say. Know at least one important thing happening in your partner's day. Listen to one another and find ways to make things in the home more peaceful and supportive.
6. The focus is on your smartphone
This will help you stay focused on what your partner has to say. It will also help you tune out distractions. Start by setting 20 minutes aside to talk about your day with your partner without a screen. Cell phones are a huge distraction. They're easy to turn to when other things are bothering you, whether issues outside of the house or messes within. Give your partner your express attention without a phone to truly connect.
7. You never talk about your dreams
Do you still dream? If not, why? Optimism is good for your mental health. Share your dreams with your partner. They don't have to be the same, all the better if they are, you need to be supportive.
Does how messy your home is determine the success of your relationship?
In some ways it does. Let's face it, relationships have challenges to overcome to make it. Throw a messy house and some clutter in there, and it's certainly not going to tip the odds in your favor.
I know you want your relationship to last, but you're always changing. You can't avoid it. Society hammers the idea into couples that you must stay together forever, but that doesn't work for everyone. It's natural to want intimacy. But if you're with the wrong person, you could be putting your mental health at risk. And if you think you are doing your children a favor, think again. If you're feeling trapped by a messy house and clutter to the point that it's threatening intimacy in your marriage or relationship, it's time to re-evaluate what you need to do to feel close again — and to clean up that house!
Relationships don't have to be difficult, but they do take work and time. What types of messages are you telling yourself about relationships? Do you find you're often complaining? Or that the space in your home seems filled with negative energy, or that your messages always have a negative spin? Properly tidying up your house and relationship starts with your thought process. You'll feel better, both mentally and physically.
Start with a couple of these tips. You will see your relationship change, your home will be cleaner, and you'll feel better with more love and intimacy.
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Lianne Avila is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a practice in San Mateo, CA. Her work has been featured in Psych Central, BRIDES, and Prevention.