54 Unforgettably Funny Jersey Shore Quotes About Love & Living Your Best Life
Gym, Tan, Laundry and hilarity.
YourTango On December 3rd, 2009 the world was forever altered. That was the day that the MTV series "Jersey Shore" first premiered. We were introduced to Paul DelVecchio or "Pauly D", Jennifer Farley or "JWoww", Samantha Giancola or "Sammi Sweetheart", Vinny Guadagnino, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, Nicole Polizzi or "Snooki", Michael Sorrentino or "The Situation".
We followed these six wonderful weirdos around Seaside Heights, New Jersey as they spent their days working in a souvenir tee-shirt store and their nights drinking and partying excessively. They were almost Shakespearean in the way that they created words and phrases and implemented them into the modern English language with such ease and grace that I think many of us have forgotten their original origins were rooted near the beaches of New Jersey.
You may recognize phrases like “DTF” and “Granade”. They all washed up on those beaches with a margarita and a spray tan and a low tolerance for alcohol.
After three seasons of the Jersey shore, MTV execs decided to take the show on the road and head down to Florida for season four. This was moderately well-received, so somehow a plan was put in place to do another season on the road. In Italy. Sensing that most of the cast identified as Italian, the idea was to highlight the juxtaposition of daily life in Italy vs. the daily life of Italian-Americans on the Jersey shore. It was the strangest season of all.
No matter where in the world we found our cast, we all tuned in to laugh, cry, celebrate, fight, drink, and fist pump with our favorite cast of characters. And I think I speak for all of us when I say, I don't regret a moment I spent watching their show.
Here are 54 of the best Jersey Shore quotes from the cast of the hit MTV reality TV show that we'll never forget!
1. "My only rule: Never fall in love at the Jersey Shore." — Ronnie Ortiz-Magro
It's always good to break your only rule.
2. “You have to remember that reality shows capture your worst moments.” — Nicole Polizzi (Snooki)
The lows were low.
3. “Everybody loves me, babies, dogs, ya know, hot girls, cougars. I just have unbelievable mass appeal.” — Mike Sorrentino (The Situation)
Everyone loves the situation.
4. "If that b*tch still plays laser tag, she's too young for you, bro." — Paul DelVecchio (Pauly D)
Laser tag is famously 18 and under.
5. “It sucks, but no Long Islands or margaritas when you drink. It has to be straight vodka.” — Nicole Polizzi (Snooki)
The same rule my mother taught me, and I will one day teach my daughter.
6. “I am like a praying mantis, after I have sex with a guy I will rip their heads off.” — Jennifer Farley (JWoww)
I wonder if they share any other qualities...
7. “I was born and raised a Guido. It's just a lifestyle, it's being Italian, it's representing, family, friends, tanning, gel, everything.” — Paul DelVecchio (Pauly D)
Once a Guido, always a Guido.
8. “There's no way I'm going to Jersey without my hair gel, can't leave without my gel.” — Paul DelVecchio (Pauly D)
You're on a desert island and you can only bring one thing...
9. “The only person I've had sex with on Jersey Shore is my boyfriend” — Nicole Polizzi (Snooki)
Not everyone was that strong.
10. "You gotta stay 'fresh to death,' I call it. Fresh outfit, fresh haircut, fresh tan. Just stay fresh.” — Paul DelVecchio (Pauly D)
If you're not fresh, what are you?
11. “I have a bad habit of playing little emotional games with men. When they date me it's cool in the beginning, we do our thing in the first month, and then I send them on a rollercoaster ride to hell.” — Jennifer Farley (JWoww)
I bet it has something to do with the praying mantis thing she was talking about.
12. “I think the Statue of David is pretty sexy. I'd do him.” — Deena Nicole Cortese
To each their own.
13. “I'm not good with time. Like, if I ask you the time and you say A quarter to 2, I wouldn't know. Why can't you just say 2:30?” — Nicole Polizzi (Snooki)
I think that would be half-past two, actually.
14. “Tall, completely jacked, steroids, like multiple growth hormones. That's, like, the type that I'm attracted to.” — Jennifer Farley (JWoww)
The guys that make JWoww say wow.
15. “I don't follow trends. I set my own and I go for the extreme.” — Jennifer Farley (JWoww)
She's her own gal.
16. “If you're not a Guido then you can get the f*ck outta my face.” — Samantha Giancola (Sammi Sweetheart)
She knows what she wants.
17. “I told Pauly D to start the grill and he puts charcoal in a gas grill, then he asks me to light it and we were this close to pretty much blowing up the house.” — Mike Sorrentino (The Situation)
I don't think these are the "grenades" they're usually talking about.
18. “Before Jersey Shore, I was a DJ struggling to promote, deejaying six nights a week and hustling to pack clubs.” — Paul DelVecchio (Pauly D)
Pauly D finally became Pauly DJ.
19. “I'm not trying to fall in love on the Jersey Shore. I'm just trying to hook up.” — Paul DelVecchio (Pauly D)
This is where Ronnie went wrong.
20. “When you're tanner, you feel hotter and sexier. You should try it.” — Nicole Polizzi (Snooki)
I always feel warmer when I'm tan.
21. “I like to be with my boyfriend at all times. Do you get that?” — Samantha Giancola (Sammi Sweetheart)
Sammi living the lyrics to Independent Woman.
22. “Yes, I had sex. Like, hello, you're gonna have sex if you're into somebody. It's natural.” — Samantha Giancola (Sammi Sweetheart)
All the ladies, who truly feel me, throw your hands up at me.
23. “Men may be from Mars and women from Venus, but I'm from the Jersey Shore.” — Jennifer Farley (JWoww)
The Jersey Shore is the hottest planet.
24. “It's obvious that Sammi has a crush on me and that's obvious. It goes back to the days of prehistoric kindergarten.” — Mike Sorrentino (The Situation)
Mike can see into the hearts of his housemates.
25. “Let's just get wastey-pants.” — Nicole Polizzi (Snooki)
When partying = life.
26. “Down here at the Shore, one minute you've got three girls in the Jacuzzi, the next minute somebody's in jail and you have to bail them out. That's what happens down at the Shore.” — Mike Sorrentino (The Situation)
You can't escape the heat at the shore.
27. "I don't go tanning anymore because Obama put a 10 percent tax on tanning. McCain would never put a 10 percent tax on tanning. Because he's pale and would probably want to be tan.” — Nicole Polizzi (Snooki)
My girl knows her politics.
28. “My abs are so ripped up, it's called; the Situation.” — Mike Sorrentino (The Situation)
And that's how he got his name.
29. “This is probably the best accomplishment I've had in a long time. To kick the sh-t out of Jenni.” — Samantha Giancola (Sammi Sweetheart)
If memory serves, I don't think this is a factual account of this fight.
30. “G.T.L, baby! Gym, tan, laundry!” — Mike Sorrentino (The Situation)
G.T.L. is the most 2010 thing you could possibly say.
31. "Being called Angelina is like one of the worst things you could ever be called.” — Paul DelVecchio (Pauly D)
Poor Angelina.
32. "I'm tanorexic, bro." — Paul DelVecchio (Pauly D)
Tanorexic: Addicted to tanning or being tan.
33. “You never really see me acting a fool on TV.” — Vinny Guadagnino
I think we can all agree that the Keto Guido has it together.
34. “From now on, you're excluded from surf and turf night. You're excluded from ravioli night. You're excluded from chicken cutlet night.” — Mike Sorrentino (The Situation)
You can't sit with us!
35. "Hot guys come here! I'm single, dance with me! — Samantha Giancola (Sammi Sweetheart)
Rules are rules.
36. “I'm trying to build an empire, because after this, I cannot get a normal job.” — Nicole Polizzi (Snooki)
Maybe the smartest thing Snooki has ever said.
37. “[on Deena] I thought she was gonna be hot. I'm all taken aback.” — Samantha Giancola (Sammi Sweetheart)
We are here for all the shade.
38. “The Situation's style is like super obnoxiously aggressive.” — Paul DelVecchio (Pauly D)
Sometimes, it's cool to state the obvious.
39. “A walking holiday? What does that mean? Are you gonna give out candy? Like I don't get it.” — Samantha Giancola (Sammi Sweetheart)
No one expects you to get it, Sammi.
40. “You don't come in here on Sunday with a big banana and expect everything to be peaches.” — Paul DelVecchio (Pauly D)
Rules to live by.
41. “How does it feel, Jenni, to have the crap beat out of you by me? I'm basking in it right now.” — Samantha Giancola (Sammi Sweetheart)
Again, Sammi, I think you misremember what really happened here.
42. “I don't eat friggin' lobster or anything like that. Because they're alive when you kill it.” — Nicole Polizzi (Snooki)
Can you think of any other type of hunting that works this way?
43. “Ronnie's in prime creep mode” — Samantha Giancola (Sammi Sweetheart)
But he's in YOUR prime creep mode.
44. “It's hard for people to see you one way, but you're really the other way, so it's kind of like, 'Who am I, who are you?' Sometimes, I confuse even myself.” — Nicole Polizzi (Snooki)
It's hard to find yourself in that sentence.
45. “My hair didn't even move an inch and I was in and out of the water. My hair's windproof, waterproof, soccerproof, motocycleproof. I'm not sure if my hair's bulletproof I'm not willin' to try that.” — Paul DelVecchio (Pauly D)
Well as long as it's soccorproof, that's all that counts.
46. “I’ve been a nun. A Catholic nun.” — Jennifer Farley (JWoww)
JWoww has a weird understanding of nunneries.
47. “I took the LSAT the day 'Jersey Shore' premiered, and after that I was too busy to go to law school.” — Vinny Guadagnino
Vinny, stay in your lane.
48. “I have a bad habit of playing little emotional games with men. When they date me it's cool in the beginning, we do our thing in the first month, and then I send them on a rollercoaster ride to hell.” — Jennifer Farley (JWoww)
JWoww has all the power here.
49. "Is there a moon in this country?" — Nicole Polizzi (Snooki)
Yes, Snooki, there is.
50. “I yanked some bitch's hair for you.” — Samantha Giancola (Sammi Sweetheart)
We'd all be lucky to have a friend like Sammi Sweetheart.
51. "This is the biggest night of my entire life and everybody's career rides on my DJ set” — Paul DelVecchio (Pauly D)
Pauly D puts everything in perspective.
52. “Rahhhhn!” — Samantha Giancola (Sammi Sweetheart)
I will never not be able to hear this.
53. "You are the worst argument person ever." — Mike Sorrentino (The Situation)
Is this a compliment?
54. "It's T-shirt timeeeeeeeeeeeee." — Paul DelVecchio (Pauly D)
T-Shirt Time! T-Shirt Time!
Kaitlin Kaiser is a writer who covers pop culture, astrology, and relationship topics.