3 Steps To Learning How To Deal When Going Through A Really Weird, Complicated Breakup
Not all breakups are the same.
kevin laminto on Unsplash Just like fingerprints, no two break-ups are perfectly alike. Some relationships end because of cheating, or because one party has lost interest in the other. But even if you have the same reasons as someone else, the situation is always different because the person you’re dating is different.
Now something like what I said above is fairly common, but what if you’re relationship ends in a weird way? Like, what if the person you’re dating is a psychopath? Or what if you realize they are just not the same person you started dating in the beginning? Even worse, what if you’re dating and find out you’re related in some distant way? Things like these can and do happen, and moving forward afterward can feel, well, really weird.
If you’ve ever gone through a situation like that, you know it can be pretty awkward, especially if you’re unable to put enough distance between you and your former partner. It just creates so much uncertainty. You find yourself asking questions like “Should I pursue him/her and try to win them back?” or “Is it my fault?” or if this has happened multiple times “Why am I so unlucky?”
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And, not only has life become more difficult for you personally, you also find it’s hard to tell your friends and family why you’re no longer in a relationship. I mean what are you supposed to say, right? Everything just gets so uncomfortable along with the already-present pain of the actual breakup.
In this situation there are several things you could do. You can play the blame game (whether it’s your fault or theirs), you can wallow in self-pity, and you can even forgo love all together. But the problem with all of these is the same — they keep you stuck in the same spot. You’re trapped in a sad post-breakup circle and that’s no fun.
So instead, try these three things when your breakup isn’t so simple.
1. Remind yourself that it's not your fault.
This is probably the most important thing to remember when you go through a weird breakup. It’s not that you’re putting the blame on the other party. In fact, the blame goes to something else altogether. You need to tell yourself that the reason you two broke up is because of x, not because of something you did. Don’t bother asking the question “is there more you could’ve done?” There isn’t. The whole situation was out of your control, so don’t blame yourself.
Now when it comes to the blame itself, it’s okay to use it to make yourself feel better, but don’t hang on to it either. The longer you do, the more toxic it becomes for you. Once you’ve accepted that the breakup wasn’t your fault or the other person’s fault and you’re okay with that, then you can let go of any bad feelings (blame and others) that you have left.
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2. Treat it like a normal breakup.
While it’s okay to place blame (temporarily) on something else, the bottom line is it’s still a breakup. This means that the relationship is over and it’s time to do whatever you need to do to feel better. Travel, eat, get a haircut, whatever. Just find things that will help to give you peace of mind.
The more you remind yourself that it’s a normal end, the easier it’ll be to process. It’s true it wasn’t normal, but trust me, it makes things easier. You’ll find that you can accept it’s over without feeling as confused and wondering.
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3. Feel comfortable knowing it wasn’t meant to be.
I don’t know if I’d call myself a true believer in fate, but there are certain things that I believe are meant to happen or that fate had other plans. If this relationship didn’t work out, maybe they weren’t the one you’re supposed to be with. It falls under the category of “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
You may feel regret or be depressed from the experience, but remember that it’s these experiences that help to make us who we are. Without them we’d be pretty boring. So be grateful for the time you spent with him or her and use it to further yourself both in life and as a person.
Jesse Oakley is a writer who writes about love, relationships, self-care and spirituality/astrology.