7 Ways To Communicate With Your Spouse In Order To Have A Hot Sex Life (Even After Kids!)
Life gets complicated, but passion with your partner doesn't have to be.
unsplash Good sex is like the glue that bonds a couple together; passion, romance, and physical touch are all necessary parts of having a better sex life.
But, sometimes, life can get complicated, and passionate sex — or any hot sex at all! — falls by the wayside. Communication between the two of you stops. If you want to know how to have better sex and reignite your passionate love making even after kids or difficulties in life, the first step comes from a surprising area: Effective communication skills.
Developing a communication plan will help bolster you and your spouse through periods where passionate love doesn't seem possible.
You want to feel passionate with your spouse! No one in an otherwise happy relationship wants to feels disconnected or like they're just co-parents without a connection or romantic spark. However, sex as a topic of conversation between couples can feel like running through a minefield, bombs going off everywhere.
Understanding the context of your sex life and talking about it in a neutral and calm manner can deescalate the conversation and help reinvent it.
When you’ve been with your partner for a long time, it can be easy to assume you know what they like during sex. Perhaps you’ve found a way to have a quickie that becomes your default. In fear of sounding harsh or critical, maybe you avoid having the conversation altogether, and your communication about sex is as cold as your current sex life.
For example, Alex and Susie stopped having sex after a heated conversation. Susie complained that Alex was boring and only thought of himself when he initiated sex. Alex found it difficult to be turned on when Susie was so tense and seemed disinterested in the sex they were having.
Alex couldn’t understand why Susie no longer responded with delight in the foreplay that used to work before kids. Secretly, he felt like a failure.
Susie felt guilty for not wanting sex as much as she used to before kids, but couldn’t help feeling resentful every time he made Alex made an advance. It felt like he would pick the most inopportune moment, like when she collapsed into bed, exhausted.
If this seems familiar to you, here are 7 ways you can communicate with your partner about sexual needs and keep your relationship passionate (even after having kids!):
1. Talk from your own experience
When something isn’t working in the relationship, it’s easy to point the finger of blame and tell your partner everything they are doing wrong. Talking about your sex life is no different!
You do this as a way to avoid owning your vulnerability and responsibility in the situation. An easy way to talk about your own experience is to use “I” statements.
When I …
I feel …
What I would like …
This keeps it firmly focused on your sexual needs and what you're looking for from your partner.
2. Avoid language that will escalate the conversation
If you are able to master number one, you’re less likely to fall into this trap. However, something might be said that raises the emotional temperature. Two words to avoid are “always” and “never.”
These words are guaranteed to leave your partner defensive.
"You never do …"
"I always have to …"
These phrases make the conversation less about communication and more about accusation. You can't have great sex — or any at all! — when you're angry at each other.
3. Recognize the assumptions you're making over your partner's lack of desire
How you respond to your partner's behavior usually comes from the meaning you make up about their behavior.
Rather than acting from the assumption we’ve made about what your partner's behavior means, it’s important to own how you’ve interpreted their actions and check it out if it’s true.
For instance, you may automatically assume that when your spouse turns you down for sex, it's because they're not attracted to you anymore. However, your spouse may just be exhausted and not in the mood for sex, even though they'd love to physically reconnect with you.
4. Choose a time to talk when you're not in the mood
How you respond to your partner's advances all depends on the mood you’re in and the situation at that time.
There will be certain situations that you won't feel desire. Focus the conversations on the times where you're more likely to be receptive.
If you want to talk about the situation at a time when you're less likely to feel desire, do this too. There's always the chance that your partner can help you to flip the situation and turn that feeling around!
5. Speak plainly and honestly about your needs
When discussing what turns you on or what you would like more of, be specific with your requests or your examples. Try to avoid vague statements such as, “I want you to make more of an effort.”
Think about what they can do or say that will help you. “I would like you to run a bath for me, while you put the kids to bed.”
Rather than saying “You never pick the right time,” focus on what works for you. “I’m more receptive first thing in the morning or on the weekend when everyone’s having a nap."
GIving exact statements about what you need from your partner will make it easy for your partner to do those things for you.
6. Manage yours and your partner's expectations
A common complaint from women is that if they’re affectionate with their husbands, there is an automatic assumption from men that sex is to follow.
Make sure you discuss your need for affection and physical contact with your partner.
If what you need more of is affectionate behavior, then discuss that so they understand that sometimes, there will just be closeness without an outcome in mind.
7. Strike when the iron is cold
Timing of these conversations is key!
Obviously, having a conversation during sex or right after is not going to end well. Finding a time when both of you are receptive to the conversation is best.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, extra tired, or resentful, you’re less likely to remain calm and open, which will make it difficult for either of you to discuss what you need.
Life is busy when you’ve got kids and finding time to have sex is difficult, let alone talking about it. However, using the conversation as a manual allows for hurts to be soothed and for there to be a better quality of sex when you find time to have it.
Julia Nowland is a relationship therapist and founder of Whole Heart Relationships. She specializes in helping couples with young children prioritize their relationship, improve their sex lives, create a sense of fun, and fall back in love.