3 Ways To Deal With A Friend Who's Self-Centered + How To Know If YOU Are The Selfish Friend
What do we do when our friends are being selfish?
Marcko Duarte on Unsplash We have all had a friend we thought was a little self-centered or a little bit selfish before. They don’t listen to you, they never pick up the tab, they can even sometimes be cruel to you.
Maybe they weren’t always this way — when you two met, you were instantly connected — but recently things have been feeling different. She seems to be different. What changed?
What do we do when our friends are being selfish? How to we tell our friends that they are being too self-centered or demanding? What do you do when your friend's ignoring you, not appreciating you?
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Below are ways you can identify selfish friendships and learn how to deal with them so you can get back to normal:
1. Your friend doesn't listen to you. Like REALLY listen.
You feel like your friend is always complaining to you, venting about her job, or her boyfriend, or you her mom. When it comes time for you to talk, she always finds a way to turn the conversation back to herself.
When friendships become one-sided like this, it can really start hurt your feelings. It can make you feel like she isn’t even listening to you. It doesn’t matter if its you — there or any other person in the world. As long as someone will listen to her.
If she never listens to you, think about why: Is she stressed out? Does she have anyone else to talk to? Is she depressed? Keep in mind that she probably needs you right now.
Friendships have ebs and flows. At different points in our lives we can be the talker and the listener. If its her time to be the talker, you cannot get mad at her for relying on you. That is the whole reason you are friends in the first place.
Now, if you need to be the talker and she is too wrapped up in her own stuff, its time to bring it up. Let her know you understand she has been going through a tough time, and you love that she confides in you, but sometimes you feel like she isn’t listening to you. Avoid saying things like “you never” and “you always” and instead try to instead to use “I feel”.
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2. She never pays.
You two go out for drinks, or to dinner, or for coffee a few times a month. You both make about the same amount of money. Usually when you are together you each pay for your own things but every now and then, you pick up the check. After a while you realize that she has never picked up the check. She has never thought, "Hey I really needed this today and I am grateful for you, so I am going to buy you this 7 dollar glass of wine. No sweat."
Here is what you have to remember about money: It is out of your control. Think back to all of the times you’ve bought her drinks. Did she ask you to? In your mind its what you do. And you are right about that . It is what YOU do. Maybe it isn’t what SHE does.
It may not ever cross her mind to pay for you. Maybe just stick to you each paying your own way.
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3. She is constantly putting you down around other people.
You know she loves you because when it’s a good friend you just know. You don’t have to wonder no matter how she acts you truly just know. But now, when the two of you go out in a group she puts you down to build herself up to the people around her. She’ll tell an embarrassing story about you that she knows you asked her not to repeat, because its funny and gets a laugh. This feels like betrayal.
If your friend is being outwardly cruel to you, or throwing you under the bus, she may not realize she’s doing it. She may just think she’s ribbing you or teasing you, but if she is telling your secrets and selling you out, maybe its time to assess your friendship.
If she is so selfish that she will shame you intentionally in front of other people, maybe this is a friendship not worth having. Somewhere deep down you know the answer.
If it is a worth it friendship, then just talk to her. Stay calm. Don’t yell at her. Tell her how it hurts you when she does that. She will probably get defensive at first, but if she loves you, she will understand.
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One thing you need to also remember is the biggest selfish friend move: keeping score.
So, if you’re thinking in your head, “She talked about herself for 45 minutes and I only talked about myself for 25” then you are the selfish friend. If you think to yourself “I paid for drinks last 4 times we went out, and she hasn’t bought me a drink in months”, then you are the selfish friend.
If you have a scoreboard and a tally in your brain, then you are the selfish friend.
You cannot always change other people, but you can change yourself. If you stop worrying about what she is doing wrong and start worrying about how you can be a better friend, I guarantee you, things are going to turn around for you and your friend.
Kaitlin Kaiser is a writer who covers astrology, pop culture and relationship topics.