3 Mistakes People Make That Push Potential Soulmates Away
Build the best relationship possible by knowing who exactly you're dealing with.
Clay Banks | Unsplash There is plenty of dating and relationship advice out there about finding your soulmate and kindred spirit.
You want to ensure what you have is not only healthy but also your best relationship. If you want to build a better relationship with your soulmate, there are two things you need to know first.
Is the person I'm currently in a relationship with my soulmate? Second, what does that truly mean — not just in low-budget romances, but in real life.
The term "soulmate", while certainly open to interpretation, has come to mean "the one person with whom I am going to spend the rest of my life in blissful happiness." Yes, it goes deeper but for the purposes of this conversation, we will stick with this aspect of the word.
Here are 3 mistakes people make that push potential soulmates away.
1. You perceive and want to believe (hope!) that your desired partner is your soulmate
That creates the expectation that the shorthand definition ("The one person with whom I am going to spend the rest of my life in blissful happiness") applies to your relationship with this person.
2. You have a distorted perception of love
The expectation I just described above makes you accept and tolerate the opposites of a healthy, loving relationship: abuse, neglect, disrespect, and co-dependence.
If you are suffering and tormented by what’s supposed to be "love," if your self-esteem and self-respect are being crushed by what’s supposed to be "love," or if you have abandoned your safety and happiness for the sake of what’s supposed to be "love," you’re in deep trouble.
You may be in a soulmate relationship, but the ending won’t necessarily be the happily ever after one.
3. You force the facts to fit your desired outcome
You place the cart squarely in front of the horse. You start by believing the soulmate shorthand. Then, you set out to find that soulmate. And often, you disregard the facts regarding the person or situation.
You try to pretzel yourself and every potential partner you meet into that belief system, often with disastrous results.
You want to find a special person with whom you can share true love and a deep bond and make a life with them.
If the erroneous belief in the "ideal" obscures what’s happening in the relationship and keeps you from noticing another’s bad behavior, you’re unlikely to reach the "ideal" you desire.
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There’s a well-known saying that’s been around for quite a while: People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
Not everyone who comes into our lives is meant to be with us for our lives.
Not all relationships are soulmate relationships.
Not all soulmate relationships are romantic. Our soulmates might be our parents, siblings, close friends, and others with whom we are not romantically involved.
Not all soulmate relationships are happy. Not all of our soulmates are our life mates.
To delve deeper into the concept of soulmate relationships, authors Brian Weiss and Michael Newton have written beautifully in-depth books on this subject, and their ideas and experiences are enlightening.
There's a different approach that is more helpful and practical to dating.
Even if you and your significant other are fortunate enough to fall in love at first sight, some things need to happen to know if this is your soulmate or life partner.
The good news? You get to choose whether or not to participate in the relationship, to improve and positively influence it, or to let it go.
A 3-step process for knowing someone's a life partner or a soulmate
1. Date
So, for starters: date. Interact with each other. Spend time together and talk about what you enjoy, whether it is opera, sports, trivia games, or Shakespeare’s sonnets.
If you keep an open mind and focus on the interactions, you’ll know very soon whether this person will remain a "date" rather than a soul mate. Or you may find they are a soul mate who is not a life mate. Or happily, you both realize you have found a life mate in each other.
2. Mate
Ask yourself, "How does this person treat me? How do I treat them?" Along with the giddy, riding on the rollercoaster flush of love, is there respect and consideration in your treatment of each other?
When they say they will do something, do they follow through? Do you? If what people are feeling, saying, and doing are all consistent, the foundation is there for loving and healthy relationships. In other words, these things can show you if you can mate — to be soulmates who are also life partners.
3. Evaluate
If things seem to be hitting a major snag it’s time to take a deep breath, step back, and evaluate. Are there changes you can make to your behavior? Compromising on things like activities and accommodating each other’s preferences can be great ways to build on your relationship.
This week, it may be pizza and watching sports for them. Next weekend might be sushi and a museum visit for you.
You can also practice active listening with your partner to find the best communication style for both of you. In this way, you hear what they are saying, and they can also learn to hear you.
These are examples of healthy adaptation and can bring about positive changes and growth.
These are ways to improve and build your relationship with your soul mate.
But if you are compromising your principles — doing things that demean you or lower your self-esteem, it’s time to take a long hard look at what’s happening.
If you feel uncomfortable and anxious, your intuition or gut instinct trying to protect you from harm. It may be time to let the relationship go, either temporarily or permanently.
Even if the person with whom you are involved in a harmful relationship is your soul mate, you still get to choose — and one choice may not be to go through life in this kind of pain. You can choose not to be life mates.
Are there changes the other person can make? We can’t control another’s behavior or make them change. What we can do is communicate honestly about our feelings and experiences.
If they’ve heard us, they have a choice — to adapt to improve or positively influence the relationship. Or not. And if not, the soul mate relationship may not be a life mate relationship.
No matter what happens give yourself the benefit of getting to know your partner. As you move through different stages of your relationship, you will discover things about them and yourself.
That awareness will guide you to build a better relationship with your mate. Soul mate? Life Mate? Build the best relationship possible, and you’ll know in your heart.
Dona Murphy is a life and relationship coach who supplements her sessions with tarot card readings to empower clients along their journey of spiritual development and personal growth.