7 Questions To Ask Yourself If You Legitimately Want To Find Love
Start drafting your how-to-find-true-love plan.
Karolina Grabowska | Pexels Finding love — true love — is such a simple thing. At least it seemed so, given what we see in movies and all the fairy tales we grew up with. But do you know how to find love or if dating will work for you?
The problem with finding your soulmate in real life is the situation isn't as clear-cut as a movie script. Dating can be confusing and frustrating.
However, looking for love doesn’t have to be a continuously painful endeavor. It doesn’t have to be a fruitless search. It also doesn’t mean you have to settle.
If you know what to ask yourself before you start dating, you can focus on your goals and priorities from the start, which can help make your search for true love successful.
Here are 7 deep questions to ask yourself if you legitimately want to find true love:
1. Why am I searching for true love now?
Everyone has a different reason for wanting to meet their soulmate and find love. And some people have more than one.
Maybe you hear your biological clock ticking and want to have kids. Or, you might want to show your ex you are lovable despite what they said. Maybe a desire from within is pulling you to find a partner.
Whatever your motivation, you’re finally ready to have that special companion to share life experiences, Sunday morning coffee, and deep conversation. You want to share your life with someone who shares your passions and interests.
It’s important to know why you’re searching for love. It can help you gauge how important it is to find your ideal mate. You probably want to see how your reasons line up with the people you're dating, too, to understand their motivations for wanting to find true love.
2. What is my timeline for finding true love?
Think about your time frame for meeting your ideal lover. Do you want to be in a relationship within three months, six months, one year, or five years? Setting your timeline will help you establish realistic expectations about what comes next.
For example, if you want to find true love in three months, you’ll need to start meeting tons of potential dates and going on lots of dates ASAP!
Make a plan to share your expectations with any potential partners. It’s crucial to see if you are both on the same timeline.
3. What’s my budget?
It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman. Dating requires spending some money.
The easiest way to figure out what your budget needs to be is to look at your timeline. If you’re going to meet the one for you within the timeline you’ve set, how many dates will you need to go on each month?
Now, think about how much you’ll need to spend, not only on the means of meeting people for dating but also on each of those dates. Consider if you need to get your hair done or want to buy a new outfit.
How will you meet the people you’re going to date? Online dating is one possibility. Some of these sites are free, while others have a fee. For people who are seriously searching, I recommend a paid site.
Will you invest in a dating service or go to singles events? What about a matchmaker or relationship coach? I paid for both when I turned forty and looking to get married and have a family. I had no time to waste!
Asking questions like this (or working with someone who knows the right questions to ask) helps you set a realistic budget for your how-to-find-true-love plan.
4. Who am I searching for?
Believe it or not, most people start searching for true love without any idea of what they want in a lover. That’s a huge mistake. They waste a lot of time dating people who are just not right for them or don’t share the same goals they have in life.
However, since you’re serious about finding love now, it’s vital to put in the effort to know who you’re searching for — before you seriously start your search for the one.
Think about what you must have in a relationship. This should include your values and life goals because your true love will have complementary ones.
What deal breakers would make you walk away from a relationship or swipe left?
Deal-breakers can be large or small. They don’t have to make sense to anyone else. Your deal breakers are yours. Only you know what you need to be happy in a relationship.
By being clear about your must-haves and deal breakers, you’ll quickly evaluate your potential partners and either move on or invest in the relationship. This process will save you time and potentially heartbreak.
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5. What priority will my search for true love take?
Finding love takes effort and time, so you need to be realistic about how important it is.
Is it more important than your job or business? Is it more important than sitting at home and binge-watching your favorite series this weekend?
Finding true love needs to be one of your top three priorities, or it won’t work. Plus, most people want to know you have time for them when you start dating. They are looking for a relationship, not a pen pal!
You need to decide how you’ll fit searching for true love into your life.
6. Who can I count on for support and accountability?
As with any goal, having the right people to support your efforts is priceless. And the right people are the ones who will cheer you on and help hold you accountable for what you say you’ll do to find true love.
So, of course, they’ll need to be positive and want the best for you. Raving fans only need to apply!
Unfortunately, the right people aren’t always your friends and family. It’s not because they don’t love you. It’s because they don’t want their relationship with you to change.
Sometimes, friends and family can feel threatened when they realize you’re spending time with someone else. Then, without even realizing it, they won’t be as supportive as you need.
You’ll want to find positive and affirming people who can support you in your search.
7. How will you keep your vision alive?
It’s always good to plan for the unexpected, so your how-to-find-true-love plan needs to include dealing with the unexpected.
Sometimes, searching for true love can be deceiving and not turn out how you’d hope. You think you’ve found the one for you and start falling in love. Then, you discover they have a habit that’s one of your deal-breakers, so you end the relationship.
When this happens, it is easy to get stuck in disappointment and put your search off or stop looking altogether.
However, when you think about the possible deal breakers before they happen, you can revisit your plan to keep your vision alive and continue your search despite the disappointment.
Dating requires you to be very resilient. There are lessons to learn from your dating experiences that help you refine your approach to finding true love and choosing better next time.
Once you ask yourself these seven deep questions, you’ll have your first draft of your how-to-find-true-love plan. Yes, it’s only your first draft. As you search for love, you discover more about yourself and the people you date. The new information can change your plan.
As you keep refining your search for true love and adapting your plan accordingly, you’ll discover it’ll be easier to move on from dating the wrong people — and start dating more of the right people.
Before you know it, you'll meet the one person, and there’ll be a recognition you’ve finally found true love.
Amy Schoen is a D.C.-based national expert in dating and relationship coaching who's helped countless couples find love.