16 Men Explain Why They See Sex Workers
“I don’t condone treating sex workers as objects, but I do treat their services as a commodity.”
Motortion Films / Shutterstock By Kassi Klower
When picturing the kinds of men who frequent sex workers and pay for escort services, certain images come to mind.
There is the older, married businessman in a suit, away on business, calling a female escort to his hotel room while the wife he's cheating on is at home taking care of the kids.
Or an unattractive, nervous young man, going to a prostitute to lose his virginity.
Or a lonely, sad man who can’t find a woman interested in having sex with him unless he hands over large amounts of cash.
But in truth, there are a number of different kinds of men who see sex workers, and all kinds of reasons why men cheat or have sex the old-fashioned way — via prostitution.
To simply paint all men who've paid for sex with the same brush is not only ignoring the reality of the sex industry and the people who utilize it, but also works to keep the shame and taboo associated with sex workers in place.
Read what 16 single and married men say are the many reasons they've chosen to visit escort sites, see sex workers, and otherwise turn to services offered by prostitution to meet their needs:
1. “Because I know what I am getting.”
“I don’t like going out, and the only reason I ever do it is to get laid. You spend money on a cab, fashionable clothes, cover charges, and drinks — the money quickly adds up. And, after all of that, you still might strike out for the night.
I just prefer to spend a bit more money, save myself the time, and know exactly what I’m going to get. I also like that I don’t have to do any extra work to make sure the woman has an orgasm. It is her job to make sure I have a good time, not the other way around.” — Steve, 24.
2. “I travel a lot.”
“There is one main reason I use escorts and prostitutes.
I travel a lot, and I rarely have the time to sit and meet women through most conventional means, or even get myself into a “one night stand” type of scenario. Prostitution solves that problem for me by providing me with company that can come to me, and allow me to get off, and then they leave.
I don’t get with prostitutes to date them — it’s a convenience thing. If I wanted companionship or a relationship, I would settle down for a while and actually date someone. I don’t see prostitution as a long-term replacement for genuine human companionship.” — Mark, 36.
3. “I want them to role-play as a real girlfriend.”
“I want the prostitute I hire to not behave like one. I want them to roleplay to be like a girlfriend for the time we’re together. To a third person, it will look like we’re in love, but it’s just a casual hook up. I want to chat about lots of things, like what I like in life, what my friends are up to, and my hobbies.
She needs to enjoy her business and act as if she loves me and what I’m doing for her. I want her to be genuinely attracted to me. I want to feel as if we’re together not only because I am paying her.” — Blake, 28.
4. “My wife has passed away but I still have urges.”
“My wife is deceased but I still have some sexual urges, so about once a month I go to a local brothel and see the same working girl. She’s a very sweet young lady. I stay for about 20 minutes and spend around $60.
When my wife was alive, she was it for me. I didn’t look elsewhere. I didn’t want anyone else.
The sex I have here is fairly ordinary. Nothing kinky — none of the things you read about. I don’t know if the young lady physically enjoys what she does with me, but if she enjoys some part of it or a portion of it, then it is more fulfilling for me.
I also like to talk with her a little. Not too much; I’m aware that my life is likely very boring to her, but I’m interested in her and I like to hear how things are for her.” — Paddy, 70.
5. “I have Cerebral Palsy.”
“I’m 42 years-old and I have Cerebral Palsy. I’ve had some girlfriends, but the relationships haven’t lasted that long. I’ve been seeing sex workers in brothels and at my house since I was 17 years-old. I’ve had some good and bad experiences with sex workers. Some have been very respectful while a few have been a bit mean to me.
Apart from that, it’s been good. Looking at naked women is beautiful and having sex is natural. It’s just that some of us with disabilities or medical conditions or both may have to pay for sex.
I go to a disability and wheelchair-friendly brothel and some of the ladies offer extra services like kissing or oral, or they let you ejaculate on their breasts. I see on their website they also have a male sex worker for women or men.
There is nothing wrong with having sex with a sex worker.” — Samual, 42.
6. “Men need sex more.”
“In the past six months, I’ve been separated from my partner and I’ve only had sex three times. Women would think, 'So what?' But men need it more. I think it’s just part of nature. If you don’t have sex for a while you sort of blow up. So now I’m going to see prostitutes to fulfill those urges.” — Hugh, 30.
7. “I was depressed and lonely.”
“I’d been in a really dark place, extremely depressed and lonely. I just wanted some human contact for a bit, and so I called an escort. I thought I would regret it afterward but I don’t. It’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. She was fun to spend time with and it really helped me out. There wasn’t anything shameful about it.” — Brad, 23.
8. “There is freedom with a sex worker you don’t have with a partner.”
“I occasionally frequent sex workers, even as a happily married man.
There is a certain freedom that comes with a sex worker that does not come with a partner. I absolutely do not condone treating sex workers as objects, but I do treat the services they provide as a commodity. I think about it like renting a car as opposed to buying one. With a rented car, you can run the engine a bit more ragged. It allows you to indulge in a way you wouldn’t be able to normally, and when you’re done, you can walk away with no worries about attachment.
Do I feel guilt? Sometimes. There was one time I felt really guilty, and that was because I started feeling an attachment to the woman I was with. Once that started, I had to stop seeing her.
I get tested every six months as a result. I honestly think, if she found out, my wife would be more annoyed that I was spending money over having sex with somebody else. I don’t do it often, but it’s not something I think I’d be able to go without. It’s just a fantastical indulgence now or then, and it doesn’t hurt anyone.” — Craig, 51.
9. “So I can do things I’d never ask my wife to do.”
“When I go see sex workers, I know exactly why I am there. I want them to do the things I would never ask my wife and the mother of my children to do. I respect my wife too much to ask her to do anal, or let me dominate her, for example. So I pay someone to let me do these things.” — Connor, 37.
10. “I’m retired and alone.”
“I live in a remote rural area, and spent the last decade being a full-time carer for my mother. I didn’t have the chance to meet people in the normal way, so I decided to start paying for sex.
It really wasn’t even a desire so much for the sex as it was just me wanting female company. So I sought out a sex worker on a message board and asked her if she would like to spend the night in a hotel with me. It was like a first date. We got to know each other, and were sounding each other out.
Now we know each other so well that I just transfer the money to her online account before she comes to meet me.” — Greg, 66.
11. “I want to hang on to my marriage.”
“I’ve been married for twenty years. But I am a highly sexual man, married to a woman who really doesn’t enjoy sex, or even hugging, kissing and so on.
She’s an excellent partner and in every other way we got on like a house on fire, but just not in bed. So I put as much money aside as I can, so I can buy sex.
I want to hang on to my marriage, and so right as much as I can by my wife, so the obvious thing is to pay for sex.” — Lawrence, 45.
12. “I was 29 and a virgin.”
“I’ve always been shy and have never found meeting women to be easy. I was 29, and a virgin, so I decided to pay for sex to finally lose my virginity.
I am uncomfortable and upset I had to resort to sex workers. I’ve read stuff on the internet that being a sex worker isn’t good emotionally for women, which is part of why I feel so uncomfortable with seeing them. But I can’t stop. I’ve got a high sex drive and it is not just that I enjoy sex, but if I don’t have sex after a while, I feel terrible physically.
I see the same woman each time, and I’ve been going to her for the last few years. I’m more relaxed with her than I would be with someone new. But I know that if I wasn’t paying her, she wouldn’t dream of having sex with me.
I have actually had a couple of girlfriends in the last few years and while in those relationships, I stopped paying for sex. I wouldn’t ever cheat. And I do hope to find love and settle down one day because I would prefer that the woman I’m having sex with wants to do it, not for money, but wants to be with me.” — Ryan, 32.
13. “I hadn’t had sex for 10 years.”
“I first visited a professional sex worker when I was on holiday after 10 years of sexual abstinence; I had grown fairly weary of soft porn and masturbation. I ached for the touch of a woman.
I went to a brothel, and the woman who served me was professional, business like and comforting, interesting, chatty, all at the same time. I was asked to take a shower, which I did, I was asked to wear a condom, which I did. Sexual intercourse took place and I really enjoyed it. There was no kissing, which I acknowledged as having a special place in intimate relationships.
I would not argue for a minute that the services of a sex worker can replace a loving intimate partnership. It cannot. I married a few years later, in my early 40’s, for the first time.” — Peter, 58.
14. “I am in the habit of seeing sex workers.”
“I am happily married, but I have been paying for sex long before I met and married my wife.
In my marriage, sex lacks a bit of excitement. Maybe I’m spoilt from seeing sex workers previously. They are in the business of sex so it is generally really good. My wife just isn’t as good in bed as some of the women I’ve paid before.
I lead a double life. My wife, family, and friends don’t know I pay for sex regularly. I don’t think they would like to think that I was getting involved in visiting working girls for sex because it’s not the thing that a respectable person does, to be honest.” — Rod, 52
15. “I’m seeking the ‘first-time’ thrill.”
“I went to the red light district in Amsterdam while I was traveling, and ended up seeing a sex worker there. The whole experience was amazing, from the thrill of doing something so adventurous to the sex itself. I have since hired sex workers a few times, to try to recreate the experience.
The second time just wasn’t the same, and the woman seemed sad and like she didn’t want to be there, unlike the first girl.
The third time put me off for life.
The woman was cold and harsh, and the room felt like a doctors surgery. We had sex, but I looked down into her eyes and she couldn’t focus. And I realized at that time I was having sex with a drug addict. I felt just ghastly. Everything had seemed a little exotic before, and now suddenly, it seemed dirty. I haven’t done it again since.” — Isaac, 21.
16. “It makes me feel like a man.”
“I’ve been going to brothels and parlors off and on for the past 20 years. I don’t go to a different girl every time. If I have one I like, I stay with her. The girl I’m seeing now is great, and I’m very attracted to her. She’s nothing like my wife. She’s younger and smaller, and she does different things without complaining. My wife won’t do oral sex. She thinks it’s gross, which I understand. So I go to this girl for that.
Being with these girls does make you feel pretty good as a man and as a lover. It’s just a good feeling – a good physical sexual feeling. And paying for it doesn’t take any of that away. I suppose I do think of myself as a good lover and I think both of us are getting something out of it, not just me.
I think the girls I see enjoy being with me. I think I’d be able to tell if they didn’t. I know it’s only a job to them but I’d hope the one I was with would enjoy it. She says she does. If I knew that she didn’t like it, I wouldn’t come back.” — Carl, 44.
Kassi Klower is SheSaid's assistant editor. She's a proud feminist who is always sleepy, loves politics and lives for writing about social justice issues. Follow her on Twitter and Facebook for more.